sad, lonely and scared. Support and guidance needed!!

[anewme]

To those of you who are veterans of this site, you may know me from the conception and antenatal threads of late last summer. I went under the names of wrighty and ladybump and now anewme.
here's my story in brief.
married in April 2006. me 26 DH 30. Together for 7 years living together 3.
3 months after wedding I became PG. DH and I so excited. At 8 wks (beginning of Aug)had M/C. Suffered badly, became depressed and was obessive about ttc to fill the massive void in my life as I wanted this baby so much. DH supportive in the sense of 'pat, pat, everything will be ok' but not a great communicator. I wnet to counselling to get things of my chest and to talk. I told myself I would be PG by xmas, by DH birthday and then by old due date. As these dates came and went and no joy TTC, I would get upset with every AF but often sheilded this from DH (not sure why).
Anyway, March 10th, 2 weeks before due date, DH left me said he didn't love me any more, didn't want a child with me, hates being home when I am. I'm no fun anymore. Prior to this he had been going on weekends away with his new work friends, not inviting me out on social events and basciallly living a life of which I was not a part.
He said I should be able to go out and get bladdered and i don't, because I'm boring. Up to this point, he was having sex with me while i was oblivious to his feelings and could have become pg.Feel so used and when I confronted him about this, he said 'well, I didn't have to force you..'

So he went. 2 weeks later we met up. I was hoping he would fall at my feet and tell me what huge mistake he had made. He didn't said he felt he's made right decision, that we should get divorced and try to stay friends. He later went on to say that his absence from me felt like a 'huge weight had been lifted'.

Can you imagine how I feel? What is so annoying is that i haven't really had a reason. Except he did say that if i hadn't have had a M/C everything would have been ok.

C'mon ladies help me through this.MNers came up trumps after my M/C. feel seriously on the edge. Had it all and now feel i have lost everything.

Hi anweme

I don't really know what to say to you apart from I am so sorry you are going through this. It's heartbreaking to read so I can only imagine how you must be feeling.

Could it be that he is grieving for the loss of the baby? Grief is a funny old thing and affects people in so many ways. maybe after he has had some time to come to terms with his loss he will be more approachable. Are you still in touch with him now or do you not have any contact?

I have to have contect as i am living in our house and he is coming around tonight to sort things out.
This mean he want to put our house up for sale so he can have half of his equity. I am gonna lose my home too. It's just so hard.

As sad as this all is you do deserve better. It's all very difficult and painful right now but it will get better! Have you got close friends or family to support you through all this?

yeah got lots of people around me but am in a very dark place now.

Ink not dry on my wedding certificate yet. My bouquet of flowers are still drying out in ariing cupboard, wedding dress in wardrobe. I cannot believe he has done this.

squeaky, i think that is what it boils down to. He's 31 going on 16. I'm just so confused. He's coming at half six and i don't know if i'm just going sob, be calm or lose my temper.

I'm going to try and play it cool, tell him i won't accept any more sh*t from him. i don't want to be weak. he's walked on me enough.

How do you think i should try and be. What would you do?

You know, men don't deal with their feelings and emotions in the same way we do. We blame ourselves and they blame us too!! You say he left 2 weeks before the due date. Maybe this all got too much for him. He see's you all distraught an dupset and just doesn't know how to comfort you or make you feel better. He may feel hopeless. The trouble with our men is that they then blame us for making them feel that way. I think that maybe is turning how bad he feels around on you.
When you communicate is it civilised? Does he talk to you nicely or does he seem angry and bitter?

If it were me I would be doing my best to appear strong and in control. If he see's you all upset and crying it will only make him worse. Men can't cope with tears either, the poor things!!

i don't feel like there is any way back. How would i ever trust him not to do this again the next time life gets tough, which it will.

Communication is bordering nastiness now. he wants it to be nice but when i'm hurting so badly how can i think 'ok never mind, we'll just be friends instead of husband and wife.' I feel this is what he wants and it's unrealistic. He only gave it 6 months after m/c for god's sake. people ttc for 2/3 years and stay strong.

I hope it all goes well for you tonight. Maybe you will be able to open lines of communication again once some of the hurt has lessened.

Take good care and be strong!! xx

Make sure you see a solicitor before you agree to anything regarding the house/money. I was divorced before children and, when we first met we each had a flat of similar size and value. After a while we sold mine as it was the only one not in negative equity and lived in his. Once we split he assumed that as he had always been his flat, he was due the proceeds. The solicitor I saw explained that when it's what is considered a short marriage (mine was 3 years) the law says that you should ideally both leave the marriage with what you came into it with. Therefore in my case I was entitled to a 50/50 split of the sale of his flat (by this time in major profit). This meant we could each afford the deposit on a flat similar to the ones we'd started off with. I don't know what you went into the marriage with, but be careful.

I'd be cool, in control etc.

im so sorry for what u are going through hunni i have 2 things to say...first of all do u think he could be blaming himself the m/c in anyway? secondly if this is the way he is treating u, as bizarre as it might sound to u now u have had a very lucky escape, imagine if u had of got pregnant? what sort of a father would a nasty man like that of made? then u would of been even deeper in that u are now. my suggestion to u would be: dont let this man back in your life (unless it comes out that he blamed himself for the m/c, his behaviour might be his way of grieving)dust urself off hold ur head high and remember u CAN start ur life over again and u WILL meet your prince one day, thinking of u babe xx

thank you so much loopy. I know i had lucky escape and am trying to dust myself off. he'll be here soon and am sh*tting myself but am not going to let him see it.

will get back later and let you know how it went, chapter and verse.... wish me luck.x

good luck hunni, make sure u dont let him see how he is making u feel, some sick blokes feed off seeing how much they can upset a person, just be aloof and have a "i think this is for the best" attitude, just try to stay strong, then when hes gone u can scream and cry and throw things at the door lol. let us know how it goes. xx

I remember you from conception threads and am so sorry to hear what you have been going through.

Agree with others that this could be his way of dealing with, or not dealing with, the loss of your baby, but having said that, there could be other reasons. You say he?d been going away on weekends with work mates etc, do you think he could be seeing someone else? Men don?t cope well on their own, and rarely leave unless they have somewhere to go, if he?s become ?frustrated? with you the way you are, it?s possible he may have found the fun etc he craved elsewhere. It?s certainly something I would consider as a possibility.

i am and tonight i am going to try and get it out of him. tell him that i will find out eventually and it'll hurt me ten times more that he lied. Going on guilt track

how did it go?

you poor thing, i agree he does seem more like a 16 yr old, you needed his support & he didn't support you. maybe it is better to have found what he's made of now rather than 5yrs down the line with young children.

how did your evening go with him?

Hi anewme

Just wondering how you are. If you want to talk you know where we are. I hope you are ok and all went well last night x

it was very hard. He said he'd come to sort things out and see how I was. He was quite arrogant when he came in talking about what we needed to do with the house and treating everything like it was a financial issue. Said he wanted to move on. We talked money for a bit. there was shouting and then it calmed. I cried and told him how i was feeling, that i'd been to the doctors to help me through and then he started crying. he sobbed like i've never seen him before and kept saying how sorry he was that he'd hurt me so badly. i don't know if these tears were for him or me though.he hugged me and it hurt so badly. It was like 10 seconds of comfort that i'd had in 6 weeks.

Feel so very confused and lonely.I can't get out of bed in the mornings and everything just seems so dark.

you poor thing, thinking of you x

Anewme - your story is really tragic, but do try and take comfort in the fact that you are still young and have plenty of time to start again. Try to see this break up not as the end of something, but as the beginning of something totally new. A new you, a new chance for yourself to do things which your DP never wanted to do.
I went travelling for a year when I was your age, and met so many girls in their mid twenties and older who had been there, got the t-shirt, split up, sold the house, and decided to do something totally different. Re-train in a new job, move to a new area. The possibilities are endless. And life can change so quickly in such a short amount of time.
You never know what amazing things you could be doing this time next year.
So - apart from having a baby, is there anything else which you would love to have done with your life so far, which you haven't yet done? x