No more dc dealbreaker?

[NigellasStash]

Dp of 18mths has just left not speaking to me. I’ve been married before and have two teen dc, he is quite a bit younger than me and has none.

When we met he did mention he’d quite like a child but seemed quite vague and from what I could tell, would be alright about it if he didn’t. Had a frank discussion on Fri night and said I’m definite that I don’t want any more dc, to go back to nappies etc at 40, no thanks! He immediately distanced himself physically and emotionally- says he needs to process it but it’s like he’s punishing me. I love him but can’t have a child just to please him surely?

I’m sitting here crying like a teenager ffs.

He’s acting like I’ve deceived him when it was never fully discussed.

I’m thinking now that I should prepare for it to end, but I love him so much. Wwyd?

Of course you can’t have a child just to please him, you’re absolutely right there. But he also can’t forgo the chance of a child just to please you. Sorry OP, but this could be a dealbreaker

That definitely would be a deal breaker for me. Before we got married OH said he didn't want kids. I did and was prepared to walk away but he changed his mind.

It's not fair on you to have one if you don't want to but it's also not fair on him if he really wants one.

Thanks, you’re both right. It’s just so hard.

Eh, he did tell you he wanted dc. That it wasn't a conversation you took seriously for whatever reason is unfortunate.

Of course you shouldn't have a child unless you want one. Personally I wouldn't reverse this decision, but would accept that might mean he ends the relationship.

It was ambiguous category, said lightheartedly- otherwise of course I’d have taken it seriously.

It isn't clear from your posts when you categorically said you didn't want children? It seems strange that you'd be upset about his vagueness if you equally weren't unequivocal.

Why have you made this all about you? It's almost as if his wants are of little value to you. He hasn't misled you, sometimes the thought of having children isn't always a priority when you are younger and maybe being in a relationship with you for eighteen months, has solidified his opinions.

Neither of you are wrong but if he wan't DC he needs to leave you.

I don't think saying you want children - even if vaguely - if something you can consider light hearted. It's a serious topic no matter how it's presented.

My fiancé and I had a very light hearted convo about it "you're out of luck if you do love, I'm shooting blanks after they castrated me" (vasectomy) but the subject and message was serious.

It's sad it will probably end, and it is absolutely fair for you to have changed your mind at any point. But if I were him and had talked about kids in any way whatsoever - vague, light heated - and you knew you didn't want more and didn't say, I'd be angry and upset and distancing myself right now.

Don't forget he may also just to sad for the same reason as you - that he loves you and doesn't want to end it, but has to because it's a deal breaker. Cut him some slack.

I'm sorry it hasn't worked out

You needed to have made things much more clear 18 months ago. I feel really sorry for the guy

I don't think he's punishing you. I think he's processing.
Neither of you are wrong.

But yes you should prepare for the end.

When I met my DP I was in the same position as you OP, nearly 40 and 3 older kids. I made it VERY clear early on that I didn’t want more, said to him if he did want kids to go and find someone else. He made a few comments saying he’d never had any real urge to have kids and we went on dating...fell in love...then about 18 months in he started to act a bit strange. I eventually got it out of him that being with me had made him want a baby and he felt very sad that I didn’t feel the same way. It was almost like he felt I didn’t love him in the same way he loved me or I’d want to have babies with him. It has caused an underlying problem in the relationship now as I do feel guilty and he feels like he’s compromised so much to be with me...but we love each other....we both have a right to want what we want, but ultimately the choice is his to make.