Partner of 10 years was seeing someone else

[Meyouthem]

Hi all, I'm very emotional at the moment so please be kind.
I found out last week that my partner and the father of my 2 children has been seeing somebody else. I found the messages on his phone (I wasn't snooping, my eldest DS had bought his phone out from the bedroom, and they were open) he met her on Facebook and it had been on going for a while (the messages I saw were telling each other they love each other) he admitted that he had met up with her, but nothing had happened sexually. Just kissing. initially I was angry, upset and I told him to leave. He came back that night and we spoke and agreed to try and get past it and make it work. He said he didn't really love her, and he did it because of what our relationship had become. I agree it wasn't the best, 2 young children, busy lives etc..but I never once felt the need to try and jump in bed with someone else.

Since we decided to make it work, I have tried so hard, I've forgiven him, told him repeatedly what he means to be, trying to be more affectionate, laugh more, talk more etc. But he has done the complete opposite. Every day he is pushing me further and further away. And I just don't understand why. I feel that he should at least be making it up to me, reassuring me that he is sorry and proving that he wants this to work. But he just isn't. He doesnt want to talk to me (about anything! Not just what happened) he hasnt told me he loves me, or initiated a hug or a kiss. He just aeema to unhappy. I really feel that he is only with me for the sake of the children - and coming from a broken family myself, I know that this can be just as damaging for them as splitting up would be.

I love him so much. I am completely broken. Do I end things or just plant a smile on my face and just deal with the way he is acting?

X

Sorry that typo was supposed to read 'seems so unhappy'

For your own self respect, end it. For your kids, end it. He isnt happy and he hasnt got the guts to do the right thing.

Is he waiting for you to ask 'whats wrong'? He shouldn't do that, don't enable him.

I have asked him what's wrong, but he just says he doesn't know.

When someone shows you who they really are, believe them. He has acted appallingly and is still continuing to do so. You deserve so much better than this.

So you told him to leave, but he came back claiming he wants to make amends and is now not keeping up his end of the bargain?

I'd say kick him out again and tell him not to bother coming back. Start divorce proceedings today.

I am sorry this happened to you. You deserve better.

You're doing this all wrong. You're playing the pick me dance. stop it

I don't know why you believe he hasn't slept with her. He's a liar and a cheater.

He should be bending over backwards to help you heal.

You've jumped into forgiving when he has no remorse whatsoever. His actions show that.

The steps a WS must take for a reconciliation.

Not all of them are required in every situation but, you get the idea:

1. S/He must be totally honest with you about everything
2. S/He must answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully.
3. S/He must do everything in his power to prove to you that you are the one that he wants to be with.
4. S/He must prove his love to you...he must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding.
5. S/He must feel your pain.
6. S/He must fully understand the devastation that he caused you.
7. S/He must accept full responsibility for his actions.
8. S/He must stop all contact with OP and not try to protect them.
9. S/He must reassure you that it is OK to ask questions.

10. S/He must reassure you that you will not drive him away by doing the things that are necessary to heal. 11. S/He must recognize when your struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you. 12. S/He must be able to tell you how sorry he is and show you. 13. S/He must re-enforce to you, that you are not responsible. 14. S/He must put his own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help you heal first. 15. S/He must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with you and stay connected. 16. S/He must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy. 17. S/He must be willing to seek counseling. 18. S/He must learn what is and is not acceptable when communicating with the opposite sex...he must establish boundaries and not cross them.

And this is what you need to do....to maintain your sanity...and prepare you for a life without him.
It's called the 180..
.

. Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore.

1. No frequent phone calls.
2. Do not point out good points in marriage.
3. Do not follow him/her around the house.
4. Do not encourage talk about the future.
5. Seek support from family members.
6. Do not ask for reassurances.
7. Do not buy gifts.
8. Do not schedule dates together.

10. Do not spy on spouse. 11. Do not say “I Love You”. 12. Act as if you are moving on with your life. 13. Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive. 14. Don’t sit around waiting on your spouse – get busy, do things, go to church, go out with friends, etc. 15. When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. 16. If you are in the habit of asking your spouse her, /his whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. 17. You need to make your partner think that you have had an awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to move on with your life, with or without your spouse. 18. Do not be nasty, angry or even cold – just pull back and wait to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what she/he will be missing 19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around. 20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while). 21. Never lose your cool. 22. Don’t be overly enthusiastic. 23. Do not argue about how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). 24. Be patient 25. Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. 26. Learn to back off, shut up and possibly walk away. 27. Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). 28. Be strong and confident. 29. Know that if you can do 180, your smallest CONSISTENT actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say or write. 30. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are desperate and needy. 31. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. 32. Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because they are hurting and scared. 33. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. 34. Do not backslide from your hard-earned changes.