Help. I want to leave

[elsielake]

I’ve been with the same man for two years. It was perfect to start, I was head over heels, he seemingly was too. But the cracks started to show, he would guilt me into sex. If I said I was too tired he would say he couldn’t be with someone that didn’t want him. Checks my phone, I’ve caught him doing it. Accuses me of ridiculous things. We had men fixing the house, when he was at work and he asked me what they looked like, when I replied ‘just 3 young men’ he fell out with me. Accused me of wanting them. Then last year, I found I was pregnant with my now 4 months old and it got worse. When we’re supposed to have family days he goes out, and when I question it he says I never let him do anything, which is untrue. Then the worst last year when pregnant at a Christmas party I found out he takes cocaine. Since then it got worse. He had friends round who did drugs in my kitchen, then lied, but I saw it. And the remnants were left on the side. When I was pregnant it was almost every weekend he was doing it. I know I should have run for the hills, but whenever I get close he says he will make sure I never have my daughter. He will do what it takes. That scares the living day lights out of me. I don’t know what to do, I’m a shell of myself and I can’t live like this anymore. Thank you if you’ve got this far

How do you think he can steal your daughter from you ?

Contact Womens Aid today on 0808 2000 247 and they will help you leave.

Such men as well always but always use the children against the mother as they know this is their Achilles heel. His threats are empty ones and simply designed to maintain power and control over you and in turn she, abusive men often say similar to their victim. This is no life for her either and he sure as hell does not care about her.

Tell the police about him. Especially the drug use.

I don’t know how he’d steal her. Just worried he’d tell lies I guess. I currently have no evidence of the drug use so what could the police do?

Have you got family you could stay with ? Take your daughter and go.

First of all a big hug for you. What is your financial situation? Do you have your own money? You need to seriously start making plans to leave him. It's not a healthy place for you or your daughter to be living like this. Get yourself to a solicitor pronto. Check out what benefits etc. You'd be entitled to. I know it's a frightening thought to be given the threat of losing your daughter. He's using the child to keep you there something a lot of men do to keep their partners/ wives with them in my experience anyway. Seems to me he doesn't place any value on you or your daughter and his checking up and you and wild accusations of you wanting other men could be an underlying sign he doing something untoward himself. I could be wrong about that though. Please get some advice of legal and maybe even woman aid or cab to work out how you can move on from here.

It’s my house. It’s all in my name, he just moved in. And I actually don’t have anyone I could stay with. No Dad, no grandparents living. And Mum doesn’t have enough room. I feel so lost

He can move back out; enlist the help of family and friends to get this paranoid user out of your home now. He has no right to be there anyway, you can change the locks and dump his stuff in bags.

I could get along by myself. Just. I was on my own before, I worked, then with tax credits etc was fine. And would be fine again. I’m currently on maternity until March and I think that’s when I’d struggle. There was an occasion previously where we fell out. He went out and got drunk and tried to kiss a girl I used to work with. She told me straight away, I went up there. He denied it all and kicked off saying I didn’t trust him he couldn’t be with me etc. And being pregnant I just stayed. I feel like such a mug seeing it all written down

Tell him to leave then. He has no right to stay there. You made a mistake letting him in. It's not too late to put it right.

You got on fine before without him and you will continue to be ok without him. Infact you will likely feel that a weight has been lifted. All this bloke wants to do is drag you and your child down with him into his pit.

In your case as well I would look into enrolling on the Freedom Programme run by Womens Aid as such men can and do mess with their victim's heads markedly. It will take you time to recover from his abuses of you.

Well if it's all in your name asked him No sorry tell him to leave, He has no right to be there. Get your big girls pants on and give him the heave ho, out the door. Think of you and your daughter you both deserve better.

But could he not try to for custody? I have no evidence of anything

Op if l were you l would report him to the police (annonymously) for drugs) not sure about the law, (l have no expertise in this,) but that certainly should stop any future custody issues.

Agree with other posters get him out of your home asap, as a drug user he cannot be trusted around your DD.

So sorry, good luck

He won’t want custody! They all say this and it’s just to scare you

No court in the land will take your dd from you! Think about it!

Kick him out ASAP.

He's talking shite.
He won't want your daughter as soon as he realises his threat didn't work (to keep you). He will then start to bullshit that you've stopped access and you're this and that but he'll be gone from your life,
PLEASE make the right choice. You can have the locks changed while he's at work as long as the home is in your name. Arrange his things outside of your home, change locks. Call the police if he tries to intimidate you or break his way in. If you tell us more about the situation I'm sure we can try to give pointers. But he will not get custody of your daughter, please don't believe that for a second I'd bet my house he won't even try but If he did he would fail.

What else do you need to know? I’m just scared I guess. Scared he’ll lie. Do what he can. To everyone he looks like such a good guy. He works hard. His family/colleagues don’t know about the drugs or what he’s like. He looks like an all round lovely guy from the outside

All my abused female clients tell me their ex charms everyone.

Mysteriously, neither I nor the judge nor anyone else are ever charmed. We don't see what you have been conditioned to see.

The police will be glad of the drugs intelligence, and it will start the paper trail about his abuse.

If it goes to court, you can ask for hair strand tests which show historic use.

Interesting. But he doesn’t keep them on him. Gets them from a friend on day of using. Would the police actually be able to do anything?

Stop making excuses op.

He won't do what it takes to get your daughter he will to busy shoving shit up his nose!!! Leave him x

That's up to the police. Your part is to tell them what you know.

Client of mine gave information on my advice, 4 months later the police busted her ex's whole cocaine network. That had quite the chilling effect on his residence application.

You’re primary career, he’s got no chance of full custody. House is in your name and if you’re not married, he has no rights to stay there. Kick him out, change the locks.

I'd say if you're the homeowner, you own a house and the house is in your name and your only issue is getting him out in a way that's safe for you. That will be the biggest challenge. Next time he goes out for any reason have all the locks changed and leave his belongings outside just as he's about to return. If there's furniture find out how to get it out there later. Don't feel sorry for him, he completely deserves this and your life has value including the right not to have him in it. Even people who have been together ten years before having children end up in situations like this. At least you're not married to him and you have your own money.