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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this going anywhere?

34 replies

EverythingsDozy · 19/11/2017 10:05

I’ve been separated for almost 4 years and a few months ago, starting dating someone I met online. We live a good 70 miles apart so only see each other when our days off align. He’s met my kids, and they love him, and I’ve met his daughter who seemed to really respond to me.
He was so attentive at the start. He would always message me, wishing me a good morning, asking how my day was, replying when I messaged him. We couldn’t keep our hands off each other. He has since got really busy at work and no longer acts the way he did for the first two months or so. When we are together, things just feel right, but when we are apart, I feel like he isn’t interested. I’ve only ever been with two people and never really had any interest other than them.
I’m not sure if this is making my depression sort of come back. I’ve been on different antidepressants for about 7 years after the birth of my eldest child and, after my husband left, been on one that really made a difference. It was reduced down but I’m feeling like I need to increase it again. I don’t know whether I’m feeling this way because of the relationship or that I just need to up my dose to feel normal again.
Please help. I don’t know how I should be feeling.

OP posts:
Myheartbelongsto · 19/11/2017 10:09

Did you feel the same need for antidepressants or same dosage when not in this relationship?

Original poster
EverythingsDozy · 19/11/2017 10:18

It was reduced not long before the relationship started, so I can’t tell. I think I was okay at the start of the relationship but I can’t tell whether it was because I was no longer lonely and getting a bit of attention.

OP posts:
pingu73 · 19/11/2017 10:24

Relationships are such hard work at the start . Maybe your overthinking/analysing things and should have a bit of space to get your anxieties under control a bit. It sounds like a combination of factors and maybe a dose increase would help to manage things a bit.

Original poster
EverythingsDozy · 19/11/2017 10:37

I think I probably am overthinking it, I usually do.
I really like him, when we are together things are so good. We had a lovely day together yesterday but I drove home late last night and he hasn’t even asked if I got home okay.

OP posts:
pingu73 · 19/11/2017 11:03

It’s hard because when we have mental health ....I do too... we become very sensitive to things that other people just won’t get. Problem is unless your both on the same page how is he supposed to know that’s what you want from him?

Original poster
EverythingsDozy · 19/11/2017 11:28

Yes, I guess you’re right. I have mentioned that he doesn’t say the nice things he once said and that I can’t tell whether he’s going off me or not but he’s adamant he isn’t acting any differently.
I feel like I can’t talk to him about these things. I don’t want to come across clingy and desperate. I’ve lived alone long enough to be okay being single, but I’m really enjoying his company and don’t want to frighten him off. Why is this so hard?? Should dating be this hard? I was 13 when I met my ex husband so I’ve never had the proper dating experience.

OP posts:
pingu73 · 19/11/2017 12:27

It is hard and can be very uncomfortable. What about a king off just a little so your not so overinveated and get your emotions sorted a bit. It can be so overwhelming when you really like someone and sometimes that self destruct button is very tempting don’t you think?

Gemini69 · 19/11/2017 14:22

do you believe his behaviour toward you has changed OP ? trust your instincts Flowers

Original poster
EverythingsDozy · 19/11/2017 15:07

I don’t know. When we are together, then no. But when we are apart, I rarely hear from him anymore. I know he’s gotten really busy at work so I don’t know whether it’s down to that but I just can’t read him. I don’t know what he’s thinking. I don’t know whether he wants to pursue this relationship. He’s been talking about holidays and Christmas and birthdays and stuff, and he obviously wanted a relationship or else he wouldn’t have been on a (paid) dating site, surely? I’m just not getting the vibe that he wants it when we aren’t together.
I don’t trust my own instincts because they usually let me down.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 19/11/2017 18:11

Sounds like he's genuinely busy... I'd broach the subject of contact... maybe he just can't focus on it.. in the evenings .. die to being tired.. but at least knowing this would help settle your anxiety.. and there is no harm in asking Flowers

Original poster
EverythingsDozy · 19/11/2017 21:17

I know I sound a bit crazy but I think it might be more than that Sad
I’ve messaged him (first, as usual), he’s definitely seen it, and just hasn’t replied. I don’t think he’s interested at all.

OP posts:
pingu73 · 19/11/2017 21:32

Why not then put yourself out of your misery and send him a text explaining how you feel and ask him straight if he’s losing interest

Walkacrossthesand · 19/11/2017 21:54

I wouldn't ask him directly if he's losing interest. I'd just await his message response ('msg ping pong' if you will), see if you creating some space between you, makes him step a bit closer. If not, your instinct was right.

Original poster
EverythingsDozy · 20/11/2017 20:11

Thanks guys, you’ve all been really helpful.

OP posts:
JoanLenin · 20/11/2017 20:16

Ask him whether the 70 miles distance is bothering him. It would definitely bother me. It is hard work to maintain a relationship with someone over such a distance and rarely see each other.

Original poster
EverythingsDozy · 20/11/2017 20:56

We both knew how difficult this would be so I don’t think it’s that. And surely if the distance was bothering him that much, he’d message more.
We’ve just had the most normal conversation. It was nice, we talked and laughed and joked and I wasn’t convincing myself he was going to break it off. I think I can just read him better when actually talking, which is probably why it feels so normal when we are together Smile

OP posts:
LesisMiserable · 20/11/2017 22:10

Two months is really soon to have met each others children, and its usually a couple of months in when people can feel whether the relationship has legs or not. By meeting each others kids you're asking each other to commit to a relationship with a unit, not just an individual - a lot of men simply cannot put themselves in that place with a woman so quickly and a lot of women really shouldn't rush into it if they're not up to it fizzling out as a normal dating thing might. Not news but it's still happening commonly.

Desmondo2016 · 20/11/2017 22:17

Some people just dont naturally do texting as a normal way of communicating. Maybe in the early weeks he was really investing the effort but now he's settled and comfortable with you he doesn't feel he has to so much. My husband and I had a distance relstionship for the first 4 years, not as far as you but 30 slow miles so long enough that you couldn't just pop in for a cuppa etc and certainly we relaxed into it and didn't do the constant texting that we did in the earliest weeks/months. It didn't mean we weren't serious (7 years later, married with babies!)

Desmondo2016 · 20/11/2017 22:18

Ahh just seen it's only been 2 months. Maybe just mentally detach a while and let him do a bit of the contact effort. This should give you your answer.

tygr · 20/11/2017 22:29

I’m in a similar position. We usually text every day but at the beginning it was much more frequent and I could guarantee he’d say good morning first thing, ask me if I slept well and would wish me goodnight at the end of the day.

That doesn’t happen so much now. It’s been 5 months.

Perhaps the novelty has worn off and they’re taking us more for granted.

I do miss the intensity of those messages but I don’t think his feelings have cooled. It is hard trying to gauge what someone is thinking and feeling with only words on a screen to interpret. Contact that includes tone of voice and body language is much much easier.

Sounds like your self-confidence and self-esteem might be clouding your judgment too (mine too - I sympathise).

IronNeonClasp · 21/11/2017 17:45

Me too. Ridiculous amount of contact at the start. I miss it. Just feels crappy now. Occasional message here and there. We don’t speak on the phone. Not sure where it’s going but I feel completely insecure in it all. Just wanted to post because I empathise with you in a similar place...

pingu73 · 21/11/2017 18:41

For god sake just tell them how you feel

IronNeonClasp · 21/11/2017 18:56

Pingu - sometimes it’s just not like that.

pingu73 · 21/11/2017 19:16

The op for days has been discussing this
People are not telepathic unless you speak and explain yourself HOW can anyone move forward
And yes I am a woman with kids who has dated in her 40 s and deapair if this roundabout game of over analysing everything without actually speaking
I would rather at the op s stage not torture myself with self doubt and anxiety and just ask!
Perhaps the man in this relationship would be relieved to have someone being open and honest with how they feel

pingu73 · 21/11/2017 19:18

If he doesn’t like it then after 2 months in op s case and no doubt having a physical relationship then I would say if I can’t be honest with how I feel then your not for me