My best friend got married last year. I know her husband reasonably well, theye been together for 4 years in total to date, married for a year. he's a nice enough man and i get on with him.
before they got married, she told me that she wasnt sure she should marry H (lets call him John). John was going through a shitty time - very dependant on my friend following a pretty horrific accident (cant say too much as will out me/her, but it was ALL mental issues, not physical, that have continued following this accident). cue John stopping work straight after the wedding (pretty much), and he has recently gone back part time.
in the last year, i have seen their relationship crumble. from an outsiders point of view, they never seem to be happy. she is always wanting to meet me after work, go for drinks with us or dinner, she stays at work late. in the middle of summer she told me she thought she had fallen out of love with him, and that she was going to tell him. she told him, he said he was desperate to try counselling. they have been in counselling but she is barely enthusiastic about it - still stays away from home a lot, still talks more about work life than home life, is clearly unhappy.
a few weeks back she told me she had started seeing man she knows through my work, who is also my friend. she is so into this man, her whole personality shines through when she talks about him - it is as if i have got my friend back. shes fun, her opinions have come back, she seems enthusiastic about life. i know she shouldnt have an affair, and they claim not to have slept together, but either way, they are very close. shes told this man she wants to be with him, that shes loved him etc etc. this man is my friend and loyal colleague in the office and whilst i know he shouldnt have spent time with my friend while she is married, i care for him a lot and dont judge him (rightly or wrongly) for his closeness with my friend, as they are so happyin each other's company.
last night i met my friend (the married one), and she tells me that she is so confused and doesnt know what to do anymore. i snapped, and told her to leave John (i know its not my place). her response was to tell me it wasnt that simple, how could i not understand, she couldnt 'just leave,' she didnt know what to do, i wasnt a good friend for not understanding that this takes time and that she was very unhappy. she said she feels guilty about john and if they werent married she would have ended it months ago, she knows it needs to get but feels like there is a tunnel of hell to get to that point.
we fell out. i told her she was being unfair to my colleague and to John, and that i thought she was stronger than that. i told her the marriage was going nowhere if she was in love with someone who isnt her husband, especially as they are going to counselling at the same time.
am i being unfair here? is it really that hard to get divorced if you fall out of love? should i be more sympathetic? i am not married and obviously i get the complexities, but i also feel i have lost sight of my friend who is usually so 'together' and so headstrong, yet she seems to have frozen here and wont actually commit to taking control. it is exhausting and now i feel i have lost her for good.