Feeling very sad tonight :(

[SaturdayNIghtAtTheMovies]

I know that no one on here is going to have the answer. I read so many threads on here that are similar; the advice is always good and the same. I'm just feeling really sad tonight.

I'm 43. I have had 2 'proper' relationships in my adult life - the first between 20 and 23 and the second between 26 and 37. I was completely single - not even a date, between the two. Both relationships were abusive, although I didn't realise they were until I was out of them really. Neither of those men loved me. My parents pretty much told me that no one ever would and I ought to give any man who showed an interest as little reason to end it as possible. So I tried. But I wasn't very good at that. I'm quite confident, opinionated, intelligent and I (now) have good boundaries. All the things my parents said men don't like. My mum told me often all the things that were wrong with me (physically and characteristically) and would make me unattractive to men. I believed her. Then I found MN and started to doubt her. So many women saying men like confident, assertive women with hobbies and their own lives, friends and interests...

But it isn't true. In the past 6 years, I've had 3 or 4 fledgling relationships. They have ended because I'm not young enough, or slim enough or attractive enough - generally. The most recent ending, in part, because he didn't feel I made enough time for him or priortised him in my life.

I've spent a long time feeling like my mother was just a spiteful woman who set out to sabotage me and my happiness. The FB memes that tell you your mum was always right/knew best have only ever irritated me because mine didn't. Except that she did. She could see that I wasn't good enough.

I am 'content' to be single. I have some friends. I have a job. I have children. I have hobbies. I am happy in my own company. I don't 'need' a man. The feeling that I 'need' someone left me a long time ago. And I'm not even sure that I 'want' a relationship. I think what I'm struggling with is that I'm only getting older. I'm a couple of stone overweight. All the things my mother said about me when I was younger are only more true now.

I'm just really struggling, once again, with the thoughts/knowledge that I'm going to grow old never having been loved by someone who wasn't dependent on me. I've never been that special or important or made a significant positive impact on anyone's life that they would want me in it.

It's so hard. My job requires me to 'love' and 'care' for people as part of it. I have always done voluntary work with vulnerable people or to support the community. I have good boundaries and am comfortable saying "no" if I don't think I can commit fully. I don't let people down. I listen rather than 'advise'. I currently advocate for, and support, an adult with SN on a voluntary basis.

I care enormously for other people. But no one cares for, or about, me.

I've given up on thoughts of meeting someone. I know that won't happen. I have hobbies that I enjoy, but they don't really attract men of my age group! But there's just a heavy sadness inside me and I'm struggling to come to terms with the loss of something I've never had.

I can't be the only person who feels like this?

This is so sad to me, you write so coherently and with such insight, you have kids and basically a nice life but :
But then the little voice reminds me that the bottom line is that I think it's my physical attributes that make me fundamentally unloveable in a romantic sense. Or rather, they prevent men from wanting to develop a closeness with me that would lead to love.
I know you say experience tells you otherwise, but it's bollocks!!

Thank you, Me.

Pog see this is the bit I struggle with. How can it be bollocks? I have been told I need to lose weight (was smaller then than I am now), I was seeing someone at 39 and things noticeably changed the weekend he took me away for my 40th. After a few weeks when i was certain it wasn't my inagination, I asked him about it. He apologised profusely but said he'd really struggled with "coming to terms with dating an older woman". He was 2 years older then me. I've never had my looks seriously criticised, but don't get complimented either - i don't think I'd sour milk, but certainly not attractive enough to be told I am.

Well unless it's by other women's husbands - they'll say anything if they think it will work!

Men I haven't been dating have felt the need to comment negatively on my appearance/body. On one occasion I was at the pub with my friends. I got back to the table and the laughter was stifled/went quiet. When I asked what was so funny, a few of them looked uncomfortable but one of the men told me what they'd been saying. It wasn't complimentary and no one stood up for me. It was a mixed group. But what could they say? What they said was true. It wasn't kind to have said it, but it wasn't a lie.

No one has ever complimented me on my body.

That's how I know.

It's painful to even recall it enough to mention it here.

In fact, I'd forgotten about that pub incident until just.

Just makes me so sad that I'm not good enough for anyone.

Oh the pub thing, the two men who'd instigated it weren't invited out with us and didn't socialise with us again, so it wasn't condoned.

But no one reassured me they were talking nonsense. Because they weren't

Men in pubs full of booze can be twats - so why would you or anyone else take any serious notice of what they said!
OP - you have some really good advice on here and I am not qualified to add to it. Except to echo what the previous male poster said on here that your assumption about what men want in RL is not correct. My DW is probably 2 stone overweight. It bothers her but it really does not bother me and I have no desire to trade her for a younger model!!!! Or a thinner one.

They weren't men in pubs full of booze. The pub just happened to be the venue. They were sober. We'd only just got there. And they were men I'd known for a couple of years. Not strangers. People I knew through a hobby. We were all sober.

The other people in the group were people i socialsed with regularly. They were all laughing.

Because what they said was true.

I just wish it weren't the case and i get cross with myself for not being good enough.

You clearly love your wife.

I know it sounds like I'm moaning and I know it's difficult for people reading to know exactly what situations looked like and what things were said and how.

But where people have posted things that have made me think "actually, they've probably got a point..." i wouldn't just argue with it for the sake of it.

I just find it frustrating to hear because I know what my experiences have been.

Anyway, I have had some good advice and I've ordered the book recommended.

I'll leave this now because i think i'm going to end up just a annoying people now!

Thanks