I'm an expat and I think I need to get divorced and come home. Totally overwhelmed and don't know where to start.

[Stpancras]

We have a house in England but it is 2.5 hours away from my family. Been away ten years plus, kids born here.

Some close friends in England, but scattered around.

Husband's family from a different part of the country.

That said, my family are pretty bonkers and toxic.

I just don't know where to start.

Has anyone done this?

Apart from having a toxic family yes I've been there.

What country are you in? Are you able to leave with your kids etc? Do you work? Where do you want to live when you get back?

I had to move out first in the country I was in as I couldn't leave with my dd (I could have been arrested)

I then applied for jobs back in the UK. Moved to a new town etc as I wanted a fresh start.

Is it acrimonious between you and your DH or amicable split?

It will be amicable but will be painful and messy (I guess they all are).

He won't cause problems for me leaving, I know, but he will be gutted, as will the kids.

I am just terrified of all the decisions ahead and of making them alone.

I just don't feel like I have anyone to talk to. Oh gosh that is so woe is me, but hey.

Spell it out here? It's not woe is me, it is genuinely distressing and overwhelming xx

We're having counselling but it's just not working. In fact, it's making the fact that I need to leave clearer.

I don't think he understands how to be in a partnership and I feel very alone. We had a big fight the other day, followed by a big discussion and lots of promises to try and be less detached - which is how I feel about him.

Today I asked him to have the children for me so I could work this afternoon. He forgot, came back much later than planned (went and bought me a book, one which I already have), also forgetting to buy food for dinner which I had asked for (again to give me time to work).

He ALWAYS does stuff like this. ALWAYS. It's like he can't let me into his head. He buys me presents - I don't want presents I want his bloody support.

He is a decent person, no nastiness or abuse.

My parents have a terrible marriage and I don't really want to move back home close to them and expose my kids to it, but I can't really imagine moving somewhere where I know no-one.

I have a sibling but they have their own issues.

Sorry giant ramble, I feel like I am about to combust.

Oh and I have just started the most fantastic new job here. And his family are coming for Xmas. God.

Taking that step into being single parents or co-parenting is a bit scary but there is not one moment where I regret it.

If it's amicable then it's good, you can plan how to co-parent together. And how to move, take joint decisions on whether to go back to where you came from or start afresh further apart etc. Schools etc

Make sure you think about what your future needs to look like for work etc.

Honestly there are worse situations under which to split and move back, it will be ok.

Ok so do you need to move back if you love the job? Can you split and make it work there?

Thank you.

Cross posted. Reading your update honestly it's way easier parenting on your own than with someone who takes no responsibility

Thank you Jeaux. New job is great but I couldn’t make it work financially, even with his support (which I am sure he would give). I would need to come home.
I’m a bit calmer now than earlier. Thank you. Need to process so much.

So you live outside the UK but also have a house in the UK - so you could, for instance, move there first while your husband stays where he is?

I guess the main thing you need to consider is where you are all going to live. If you say he is cooperative enough, would he be OK with you & kids living in another country to him (he'd presumably have to agree to it)? Would you be OK with the kids not seeing their dad in that case? Would he move back too, if not immediately then next year or something?

Otherwise, remember that you don't have to do it all at once. You don't need to start organising the divorce instantly, for instance. The process has taken several years for me. (I'm staying abroad.)

If you don't want to be by your parents, don't move there. After ten years I guess you don't have the same network where they live that you used to? You can live where you like (as long as h. cooperates). Maybe make it dependent on jobs.

Have you looked into what benefits you might get, and what he would have to pay (rather than kindly "helping"), that would help you financially if you stayed? Is there a local citizens' advice bureau you could get an appointment with?

If you are considering him staying in the country and you moving back with the kids just make sure you divorce under UK law and get the maintenance for the kids sorted before. It's really really hard to get maintenance paid from someone who isn't based in the UK.

Step by step as rave mum says.

I made a completely fresh start when I moved back. I live in a country market town where I knew no one. So don't just think inside the box

Our house is in an area I don’t really want to live in. I think he’d just come back too, he wouldn’t want to be away from the kids for any length of time.

Time to have the chat. Deep breaths.

Good luck!! Honestly, it will be ok. I was in a way more acrimonious situation as an ex pat splitting up and I'm just dandy and so is my dd8.

Sounds like you have a different love languages

Yy I get it there's other stuff too but from what you've said he's doing his best re buying you the book, giving you time to work - but he's getting it wrong! At least he's trying.

It seems drastic to move lock stock without some major major work first. Even if that means taking a break for a while?

he's doing his best re buying you the book, giving you time to work - but he's getting it wrong! At least he's trying.
OP asked him to look after the kids at a certain time while she worked, but he didn't come home, so she couldn't work. She asked him to buy food so she could spend the time saved working, and he didn't buy it. Her needs / requests are evidently not top of his list. Presumably this is not the first time he's inconvenienced her, if they are already in counselling.

That will be good if he is OK with coming back too, Stpancras. Really sounds pretty positive given the circumstances. There was no question of my kids or ex moving to the UK. I did consider where I would go if I ever returned to the UK anyway - would also not want to live where I did before - and I would have chosen Bristol :) as it is in the south (which I'm more used to), big enough to find work in my field, homes are relatively cheap for a place of that size, nice countryside nearby, I know Bristol a bit and like it, and it comes high up in surveys (best place to live again in 2017 survey). That might be the sort of thing you could consider. I think it's pretty easy to make new friends in the UK to be honest.

Where would you like to live? There's no point living near toxic parents and every reason for living nowhere near them.

Would you be better off financially here or in the country you're in now?

How long have you lived there? What were your reasons for going? Was it because of your husband's job or because you thought the country offered a better life for you all?

If you move back you need it to be to a place where you'll be happy, able to work and where your kids will be happy. Are you saying your husband would move to wherever you decided?

Thanks everyone, you've given me loads to think about and good advice. I'm just trying to wrap my head around everything atm, including all the things you have said. Thank you for helping a stranger.

Today I asked him to have the children for me so I could work this afternoon. He forgot, came back much later than planned (went and bought me a book, one which I already have), also forgetting to buy food for dinner which I had asked for (again to give me time to work)

That's not forgetfulness it's negligence and disrespect. How can you 'forget' you're s'posed to be looking after the children while your wife works, how can you 'forget' to buy your family supper?

Sounds like family life isn't his responsibility. And that he's in his own little world and can't function as a team.

I bet he does this on a daily basis and that's why you're splitting.