American-style dating, think I'm doing it wrong?

[JesusTapdancingChrist]

Have recently joined OLD after a ghosting related breakup followed by a long period of self improvement/generally getting my shit together. Am in a really good place in life and consequently feel well equipped to start meeting new people again.

I vet the messages I receive really carefully and am very selective about who I talk to and only arrange dates with people I'm fairly certain I'll get on with. The result is that I've had two really good first dates in the last week, one even better second date with one of them and a second date arranged with the other for Monday.

Both have been keen to arrange more dates and are chatting about future dates/plans (I know about future faking, really don't think it's the case for either). I don't know if I'm meant to tell them about each other?

When is it the norm to have a discussion about exclusivity? Do I ask them if they're dating other people? At what point, theoretically, would I have to make a decision and cut one of them loose? Can I just continue dating them both until I know which if any is likely to be the better relationship material?

For example, last night Man A was texting asking about my plans for the evening/did I want to chat etc and I felt really weird about telling him I was going on a date with someone else. Even though I know we owe each other nothing by way of explanation.

Oh and I'm also talking to another really cool guy who is pushing to arrange a first date 😳 .

It's been a while since I watched Sex and the City so I don't remember what the etiquette is for these scenarios 😂.

It is bloody good fun though.

You don't tell man A you're going on a date. You tell him you're 'going out for a drink' or dinner or whatever it is you're doing. Don't lie but don't over explain.

Have the conversation about exclusivity whenever you want to. First date if you feel like it.

Yes you can date them all at the same time and see who is better relationship material.

I personally don't like having sex with more than one person in a ongoing period so I'd say at that point it'd be good manners to mention if you're seeing someone else. I have a friend with multiple lovers and she lets them know before she goes to bed with them the first time that that's how it's going to be. I think that's just good manners.

Enjoy!

I met DP 2.5yrs ago OLD and I was having a lot of fun playing the field before I picked him . My advice - don’t set yourself hard and fast rules about this kind of thing. Always assume everyone is seeing other people unless they say otherwise. Don’t hide that you are but don’t rub it in their face either. So eg. someone asking by text what you’re up to tonight, you don’t need to say “hot date with the competition!”, you can say “oh, off out for dinner” and move the conversation on. If someone is quizzing you about dating other people and you’re not in a place where you want to be exclusive with them yet then it’ll probably feel possessive/jealous to you and it’ll just make it clear you’re not on the same page/not compatible.

If you want to see other people, see other people. If you’ve met someone and you have no interest in seeing other people compared to them, then that’s your time to have the ‘exclusive’ conversation.

Honestly, I have no idea but this isn't really the norm for dating behaviour over here and I think unless you're honest with them, you risk losing them both if they find out down the line.

I think in future it's probably a good idea to be open about it right from the start as it may be more hurtful to find this out later. They can then decide whether they're okay with that or would rather not get involved. Personally I wouldn't get involved with someone who was dating multiple people - no judgement but I would just find that really difficult TBH. If I did date them I'd assume there's no chance of it going anywhere so would only continue if I was happy with that.

I think that if you have another date, you tell him simply that you already have plans. He'll probably figure it out.

I'd ask if they were seeing someone else at the point when you want to make the relationship sexual, but I may be a bit old fashioned that way. I personally can't handle having more than one sexual relationship at a time and I'd prefer whoever I was dating to feel the same way.

Forgive me if these are dumb questions (I'm a Yank and lack some cultural context), but what is OLD that you've joined and what makes this American style dating? Also, might I ask how old you are and if your goal is a long term committed relationship? I think it makes some difference in how you date.

It's very early morning here and I'm off for a run, but will be back a bit later. I do envy the adventure you're having (I'm a married mum with teenagers).

Thanks all, great answers.

To clarify, I didn't set out to deliberately date this way. Honestly, I didn't expect to get chatting to even one guy I'd want to meet up with. So when they've asked for a date, it seemed natural to accept rather than say 'I'm going on a first date with someone else first, give me a week or two to see if it turns into anything and if not I'll get back to you?'.

I'm not sleeping with anyone and would categorically not sleep with multiple people at the same time. That's fine for some but far too messy/complicated for me. I was thinking that 'the chat' should happen before that step is taken.

I have been being vague about having plans, would never try and play people off against each other, am not into game playing. I think that's the problem, I'm a very straight talking type and being vague almost feels like lying by omission.

I'm 37, have two DC, have a great co-parenting setup with Ex. Not looking for a husband/stepdad for my kids or someone to even live with, probably a bit non-traditional in that sense. I am looking for one person to exclusively spend my free time with though and am open to seeing where that could lead.

I fancy both of them and was hoping another date with each might produce a clearer front-runner. One is probably a better fit lifestyle/personality wise though.

"this isn't really the norm for dating behaviour over here"

It wasn't traditionally, but I think it might be with online dating.

I think it might be a good idea to step back and reflect on where you really are in this situation. You've had one date with two separate men.

You don't know them at all. Try not to future plan by doing things like speculating that one is a better lifestyle fit.

You don't owe them any explanation as to what you are doing with your time when you're not with them. This isn't lying my omission it's protecting your personal life from what is effectively a complete stranger.

I think all the pp have raised some valid points. One or two dates in is a very non commital stage of the process lol, I would say, unless you've talked about it and told them otherwise, dating more than one is absolutely fine. When asked about your plans just say I'm off for dinner, or out for a drink. At this stage you are under no obligation to share anything further, just as they aren't with you.
I also agree, it's personal preferance, but I wouldn't want to begin a sexual relationship with more than one, and neither would I want to take it to that stage unless the other person felt the same. That's just my point of view though.
I think these things are best left to develop organically and it usually becomes apparent when the right time to have that exclusive chat has arrived.
I also believe in treating others as I would like to be treated, so if one of your suitors is talking in a way that makes it clear they are only dating you, and you aren't there yet,it's only polite to be honest about that.
Ok at this stage you are not expected to offer anything other than mutual respect and good will, be mindful of others feelings but as someone who has done lots of hard self improvement work (congrats on that btw) remember your boundaries, while respecting others.
Sounds like you're having fun so enjoy the experience and take each day as it comes.x.

Don't get me wrong, you can do whatever you like - you don't owe them anything, you're not in a relationship! I guess it is becoming more common, I just think that culturally it's not something people automatically expect to happen as they do in America where it's pretty standard to date multiple people until you discuss becoming exclusive. So some may expect you to be doing that but others definitely won't.

Multiple dating is standard with on line dating.