Relationship Problems

[anonymous92]

Hi everyone,

I''m not sure if my topic is for here, but I couldn't find any other place where to publish it.

So my story is long, I will start from the moment that me and my girlfriend broke up.We had a very passionate relationship, she is a bit messy and distracted as a person and that took a long time for me to learn that she is just in this way. During the time that I didn't know and couldn't believe that she actually can be in this wat, I thought that she was cheating on me and doing things behind my back. I put her through so many accusations and fights. For a year we had every month at least 2 times extreme fights. We moved to lived together from the first months (due to life circumstance, it wasn't planned, it just happened)

We broke up 3 weeks ago because again I was accusing her and she had enough. She told me that she needed space at the moment and didn’t want to communicate with me at all. I have been texting her every 2 days during this time very different things, sometimes I was telling her that I have started to change and how much I’m sorry about everything, another time I just was so mean to hear and angry alongside with again accusations of her being doing things behind my back.

On Wednesday she text me to ask how was my first therapy (I finally agreed to go visit a therapist, but they put me on a waiting list and that is why I am seeking help in forums) and then we said goodbye to each other with wishes of a good evening.However, the next day on the evening I thought that she is with someone at her home and called her with the pretext that I want to ask her something very quick in order to check if she is alone or not. Then I lead the conversation after my “quick “ question to ''Are you alone'' and I couldn’t control my emotions and started to accuse her of things from the past. She was reasonable and even though that I was accusing very aggressively she kept passions and was answering all my accusations. We end the conversation with her saying that doesn't love me anymore and don't want to be with me ( of course who would want to be with a monster like me) and there was nothing to talk about anymore.

The next day I woke up and sent her a sarcastic message ( I don’t know why, it was something in me wanting to speak to her and thinking that she may say that she did the things that I was accusing her of doing). She answered me very reasonable again and asked me If the conversation from last night wasn’t enough for me If I feel good about doing these things and if I hate her. Again all day texting accusations from my side. Then she got back from work and called me to tell me that she will not cry and react in any way that would make me angry and that I’m free to say what is in my mind. Then again same things again from me-accusations and accusations to the point where she asked me ''are you sure that I’m this horrible person who you talk about'' and I said yes and she blocked me from everywhere.
After 10 min I was browsing Instagram and I found accidentally out that a common friend has blocked me too and I texted her from our business account(we had a business together with my ex gf)that I’m so angry that My girlfriend has talks behind my back to others and that actually she cheated on me. Then our common friend blocked our business account too.

The only way to talk to my ex gf was to email her. So I sent her few emails explaining to her how can be that sneaky to talk to people about me and even though that I’m angry and I accuse I will never do something like this to her.
After an hour I received a response that our common friend was visiting her today while I was texting all these horrible things and My girlfriend cried in front of her. So our friend told her to block me from everywhere and then our friend blocked me in front of her to show her that is easy.

Now I’m sitting at home and thinking how I’m able to hurt someone in this way, someone who I love so much and want to be with, what is actually wrong with me, why I am such a monster 😞

Thank you for the time spent in reading my story, I will appreciate any help and advise.

Regards

I think you need to take the relationship out of the equation and look at why you behave like this. You clearly have issues that make you behave this, therapy will help so push for it. If you have health care through work your doctor can refer you and they should pay for some sessions. It sounds like you have low self esteem and it's making you try and control everything. Of course your girlfriend will block you and not want to have anything to do with you after all that. She's frightened! You were acting in a very volatile way abd she would be worried about it escalating and for her safety!

I'm sorry if that sounds brutal. I didn't want to read and run as you hadn't received any replies.

Put yourself back together. Learn from it and spend time alone. Leave her alone. It won't make her come back behaving like this.

Look up fear of rejection coping strategies. The huge fear can cause you to sabotage things as it seems you may be doing. Visit your gp/call a local counselling service and try to get some help with this.

Have you been this way in past relationships?

I'd have to say by blocking you she has done the right thing under the circumstances for both of you, she tried to stay amicable with you it didn't work so best thing to do was go nc, you are not a monster as you realised your behaviour & way you have treated her is wrong but its time to accept this relationship is over & its no longer your business who she sees anymore and she shouldn't have to justify herself or explain anything to you, you need to consantrate on yourself & learn from this relationship & sort out the issues you have before starting another relationship

You need to let go of this woman now. If you want her back and there was a tiny chance in hell that she'd give you another shot, the only way to do it is to stop harassing her with your issues and accusations and mindfuckery. It sounds as if you really need to do some work on yourself. Not for her sake, I fear it's too late for that, but for yours. I mean that kindly.

You are abusing this woman. You need to let her go and get help yourself. You cant keep doing this to her.

You cant do it to someone else. You may be insecure and have issues. But thats not an excuse to act like this. Get help so you can have a healthy relationship with someone else in future.

Yes, you are a monster.
Your behaviour is actual criminal.
I don't give a fuck why you're "insecure" (controlling more like). It's not an excuse.
Stay the fuck away from her.
Stay the fuck away from all women.

Why not use the time you waste harassing and abusing her, to at least read a self help book?
Wait for your therapist waiting list to shorten, or realise your behaviour is so extreme that you should prioritise seeing a therapist privately. Better an appointment with a therapist than a police officer.

And in case you missed it - in the meantime stay the fuck away from all women.

You sound unwell. Abusive and unwell.

Hello all,

I really do appreciate all of your comments. I definitely know that I have a problem as I have taken actions and waiting for a therapist.

I don't know if that is making any difference but thit is the story of my suspicions behind my actions, which I don't try to justify, just to make it a bit more clear.

From the very beginning of the relationship, she was looking at guys, wherever we go she just stares guys in the eyes, which is very disrespectful towards me. At the beginning, I was trying very gently to talk about it and she was cutting me with ''no it is not true''. Then escalated to a point were she started to cry and pull up her hears, she was throwing herself on the floor and pulling up her hears and scratching herself which at the same time made me so so angry because that is not a normal behaviour and also made me feel so sorry for her, but the fact that she is looking guy still there, even though that she strongly deny I can see I'm not blind.
Before the summer, I got a genital wart which at the time I didn't know what is it. The interesting thing is that by the time that I got it we didn't have that often sex anymore and she wasn't saying that she loved me as before. I went to a doctor and I froze it and felt off, but after a sex with her, I got another one, then again - doctor and done.
Now I have another one from the last time that we had sex (3 weeks ago) and that is why I am full of questions, why do I have those things, why you cannot be honest with me and say that you looking at other guys, why she has to pull up her hair and then send me pictures and ask me if I like what I'm doing.

I just don't' get all of this. I have never been in a relationship like this.
However, I have some issues from my childhood as my parents were not the best parents in the world and I have moved and lived in so many places.
Again, I'm not trying to justify my behavior, but just try to get some answers ....

Regards

You really need serious psychological help. Do you get that? From your description it's disturbing enough and I'm sure the reality is worse. You're terrorising her for looking at other men. Assuming that means she's cheating. How do you know the warts, if she has them, are from cheating? Could have been there a long time.

Let her go and work on yourself. You will never have a happy relationship while you're like this. This is not normal behaviour.

As someone who has been on the receiving end of this abuse I will say two things.

1. fair play for coming on here because you're going to get a new arsehole ripped
2. stay away from relationships. I would look up online about therapy for perpertrators of domestic violence and emotional abuse, because that's what you are. You are using emotional black mail, harassment, intimidation and mental torture as a way to control someone you say you love. Do her the biggest favour ever leave her the fuck alone, she will also need therapy because of what damage you have done to her. I'm glad you're asking for help (I'm dobting your intentions as you say I don't know why I do this alot) But in the meantime just stay away from women all you will do is fuck them up. I'm sorry I have been through hell because of a 'man' like you, so I cannot show you any sympathy what so ever but for yours and the next woman you fall in love with sakes I really hope you can take responsibility for your behaviour and sort yourself out.

I hope the waiting list moves quickly. You really need to get to the bottom of your insecurities.

Thank you every one.
I really didn't mean to cause anyone damage :( I am usually not a bad person, I would always help someone who needs help and always been there for people, I just don't feel myself when I'm doing all these things.
I definitely will stop any contacting her, and the last thing that I want right now is a relationship, I have completely understood that I need help and that is what I will focus on.

Thank you all !!!

You may help other people. But to you, she is your possession. She is yours and must do and behave in a way that suits you.

Abusers are usually lovely to everyone else. Helps them abuse.

I am very sure she wasnt looking at other men. She just wasnt staring at the floor. Which is what she needed to do in order for you to be happy.

You are abusing her. If she means anything to you, leave her alone. Leave all women alone for a long time. Get help.

My ex used to help everyone, regular little hero. It was how he justified treating the people who loved him like shit.
I actually learned quite quickly that his 'help meant he could excuse his abuse because he was a 'nice' guy.
I really hope you stick by your word, leave your GF alone and work your arse off in therapy prior to begining any future relationships.
Men like you don't realise the damage they do to the women who love them, real, life impacting, lasting damage.
Very few of us have had the perfect childhood, however some of us choose not to use that as a reason to abuse others.
You have to take responsibility for your behaviour and acknowledge the damage it causes rather than blame it on everything that has happened to you, i see no evidence of you doing that. Your past experiences may have affected you and im sorry for that but it doesn't give you the right to do what you are doing.