We're separating. Should I wait until after Xmas to tell dcs?

[inamuddleagain]

Namechanged for this.

Husband confessed 15 month affair 7 months ago and we are mid divorce. I've considered us separated ever since even though he has not yet moved out - he is now regretting things and so dragging his heels on every aspect of the divorce.

Having originally thought I would not tell the children (7 and 3) until H moved out, I am now finding it very hard to continue with the pretence of normality as it drags on and on. Ds (7) is putting two and two together and asking questions, and I feel it is wrong that they are the last to know (his affair wasn't well hidden except from me, and he told me at work so even my colleagues know). For me it would be an enormous relief to be able to be open but I realise it's about the kids not me.

So I would like to tell the children (age appropriate and with reassurance of course), and came home from work today with the intention of sitting h down and talking to him about doing so in the next week or so.

Then I read an old thread here about people whose parents told them of divorce in mid-December and how this negative memory affected this time of year even as adults. I hadn't even thought of this, but obviously I don't want to do that to the kids. Following that logic, they have birthdays in Jan/Feb so it is now or March really.

So - Have I left it too late? Is it already too close to christmas?

Just to say I wrote a longer version of this which included more background and general worry but really what I am looking for advice on is the timing issue. The rest, I just go round in circles.

thanks in advance to anyone willing to share your experience or advice.

"Bollocks, Marvel."
No, children have better outcomes if the parents stay together and live harmoniously.
Parental wants should be secondary to children's needs.

If he isn’t going until April I wouldn’t say anything.

That will feel like a lifetime to a young child and will surely only make things worse?

How do you get on on a day to day basis?

Can you fake some sort of decent relationship?

If not he should go now, otherwise I’d keep schtum and carry on.

My parents stayed together despite clearly being incredibly unhappy and arguing all the time- it was hell. I used to beg my Dad to move out and leave my Mum. Staying together 'for the kids' is definitely NOT best for the kids- happy parents is best.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. A real range of views, which is pretty much the conversation I'm having with myself!

Marvel I have had counselling which actually made it clearer for me that we should separate. It's not a casual decision - we've been together 18 years. I see your point about parental wants vs children's needs but parents also have legitimate needs and I really hope that children's needs can be met in different ways.

Yes my parents stayed together for 30 years making everyone miserable, then split up as my youngest sister went to university. Mum had no income and was inclined to stay put so on dad's solicitors advice they both stayed in the house while they divorced, but lived separately in it. It became truly toxic before the divorce and finances were settled and dad moved out. It is very fortunate we had all left home- my sister stayed with me in the holidays in the end as she couldn't stand the atmosphere and mum's tantrums. (Which would have been understandable except she was the one that had had the long-running affair...) Anyway what I'm trying to say is don't stay together for the children unless you really can make it work for the two of you as well

I've just been through something similar, with children similar ages. The youngest is quite oblivious to it all really. With the older one, the conversation was hard. But I researched what to say. And actually I read it's best to tell the children a few weeks before OH moves out, giving them time to adapt, with both parents being there for them and they can see parents can be friends and it can all be ok. Less scary for them I guess. I made sure I said we're still a family. We went out to do something fun after we had told them, so it didn't feel all negative. We're spending Christmas together too, which may not be the norm, but it's certainly making it easier on the children. We're both happier now OH has moved out and not having all the tension actually makes it easier to spend family time together every now and again.

Hi OP

I am in the exact same position.

We are mid way through divorce, live in the same house but separate bedrooms.

We have also been wondering when to tell our DC (9 and 6)

We decided to wait until after Christmas as we didn't want to spoil it for them but knowing this will be our last 'family' Christmas is quite heartbreaking.

I don't think there will ever be a right time tbh.

Thanks peturbed. It's very useful to hear your experience. I'm hoping we can stop it feeling toxic for the children - it's actually feeling easier for me at least to behave well since I decided to call it quits, means I can withdraw from some battles.

ohana foundwantingalways tart sorry to hear you're going through the same situation.Ohana we intend to keep christmas and possibly some group holidays together too, I will think through some of the things I can confidently make commitments about to show them how things will work.

Tried to discuss with h today, he has agreed we can tell the children something, but he's too upset to work out what to say so has gone to the pub. Was looking at dc bouncing around obliviously today thinking I'm about to throw a bomb into your world. Am trying to remember parenting is long term not just one conversation but it feels like such a significant and negative moment.

thanks again all

knowing this will be our last 'family' Christmas is quite heartbreaking

I'm sorry you're both going through this. But this is the key IMO.

It's heartbreaking for you to know that. Your DC don't need to know that. If your DHs were goign to leave before Christmas then sure, tell them. Then make Chrostmas special.

But don't tell them then make them have a horible Christmas in limbo, where they know it's the lasy one all together. How agonising for you all.

Or, to put it another way - how will it benefit your DC to tell them now rather than after Christmas?

What do they gain exactly?

I get that it's an awful weight on your mind. But step back a minute - what's in it for your DC if you tell them now?

I'm so sorry you're going through this. It sounds horrible.

Children tend to like practical realities. So if you tell them you are separating they may want to know who will look after me? Where will I live? Can I still go to my friend's house after school? (or whatever). What exactly would you be planning to tell them if you told them now before you can answer those questions? ( Daddy and i are going to live in different houses one day but we don't know when or where or daddy and I don't really like each other but nothing is going to change for an unspecified period of time but I want you to know we're not happy ).

If you don't actually separate for several months then in whose benefit would it be to tell the dcs now?

Really good and challenging questions. Makes me realise I have been assuming that the kids wouldn't want to be in the dark and that there is some virtue in 'being honest' for its own sake but that's an adult perspective.

For me, the specific thing I could address would be giving my son an answer to his puzzlement about the changes he has seen already - e.g. dad in different room, me stopping doing h's laundry, us tending to look after the kids at separate times, and a halt to some family plans we had like holidays and moving. I don't want him to come to the wrong conclusions by himself. I don't think dc2 has the same understanding that things are changing.

I'm now wondering whether there is a middle ground of addressing these issues without leaping too far into the future for him to cope with.

I wouldn't say anything now, to expect your children to live with some many unanswered questions for 5months seems so unfair and unsettling. Also if stbxh isn't moving out now and dragging his heels, he possibly may be thinking a reconciliation is on the cards 😩 by taking that option away from him by telling the children now, could be become hostile? How would Christmas then appear and how could you manage and contain it to ensure your children's Christmas is not connected to your seperation?

Maybe you and their dad need to discuss what Christmas will maybe look like next year and that will give you some guidance how to play this year? Many ex-ps certainly do spend part of the day together with the DCs, especially early on when no other person is on the scene.
when my DSD was younger she did enjoy time together with both parents on occasion after they were separated, and tbh in standard, non-abusive circumstances if parents can't manage to swallow their anger/grief for half a day now and then for the sake of their DCs then it's fairly shameful. (My DH found half a day was his limit though before his ex started to really get on his nerves).

Take your point about your older ds already picking up on changes and agree perhaps a middle ground would be best.

Something like your dad and I have decided we are happier if we do things by ourselves not together any more (so that's why we are going to have Christmas/ go on holiday/ do the housework separately). We used to hurt each others feeling and we argued too much so we are leaving each other alone more than before

Then of course lots of reassurance that you both love the dcs and always will and this is a grown ups problem not anything to do with them.