tl;dr: Boyfriend of 3.5 years got cancer 7 months into relationship; I nursed him through (which was unbelievably difficult) then my dad got cancer straight after that and died two months ago after another really traumatic year. Me and boyfriend are falling apart, with no 'normal' to go back to, and we are both pretty depressed - he may be having a breakdown. He asked for some space, saying he is 'confused' about 'everything' and doesn't seem to be able to make any decisions. I'm stuck in a limbo where I love him and don't want it to end, but we really haven't been getting on and I need support now too which he can't give. Don't want to end it as feels too painful on top of everything else, and also I will miss him, a lot, and I also feel angry that he has left me at this time. But I'm 33 and want kids and he probably isn't ready for that for a long time. I've had enough relationships to go wrong to feel doomed in this respect and even though it's been a rough ride I really did think we had something special. Now I worry he never loved me in the first place and just wanted me around so I could care for him, out of fear, which I realise is a very cruel way to think (my therapist says so too).
Please tell me whether my reasoning that this is another 'failed' relationship to add to the heap (and all my fault) is faulty or not.
Also, do you think there's any hope of reconciliation, after the dust has settled, or do you think that even strong relationships couldn't take this level of trauma?
Am I too old to get over this, and find happiness with someone else - even have kids?
Looong read:
So sorry for the length but leaving out the details didn't make sense!
Boyfriend (of 3.5 years) got cancer after 7 months of being together, just as we were falling in love; I was his primary carer for 1.5 years which was incredibly exhausting and difficult, although I loved him very much and we managed to have a lovely relationship most of the time apart from some bickering at points; dad then diagnosed with cancer straight after that and boyfriend supported me for over a (very traumatic) year while I looked after him until dad died 2 months ago.
All of this had a massive effect on both of our wellbeing, obviously, and I have been at points very depressed, stressed and even hysterical – all of which has come out in the relationship, especially as the experience has isolated me from friends and family. He seemed to only really want me around when he was having treatment (and his parents were crap), so the emotional and physical burden was massive - my work suffered massively, and my mental health was awful (I am prone to depression and anxiety anyway). That's not to mention the shock of my dad, my favourite person in the world, dying. Me and boyfriend moved to be around the corner from dad when he was declining and I looked after him until he died brutally and cruelly (this in the midst of truly awful, psychotic l behaviour from my mum towards me and my dad (fuelled by jealousy I think)).
Boyfriend, on the other hand, bottles up his feelings some of the time where it comes out as general irritability, fueling silly arguments, being self-destructive by not taking the actions that he needs to to move on with his life, and distracting my energy from what is really going on – at the moment, trying to grieve for my dad, which in turn makes me angry and resentful. That's not to mention the physical impact of his treatment - six months of intensive chemo, radiation, two major surgeries...he lost a lot of vitality and I believe his brain chemistry changed also due to all of the drugs. He is a very different, much more sad person and his cognitive function has been affected drastically (difficult for someone who was very career-driven before and thought, in his very competitive industry in a major world city, to be a creative genius).
At 33 I would have liked to be thinking about kids right now – this is difficult for a couple of reasons; his chances of getting cancer again are reasonably high (they caught it very late), which for me is a daily, massive worry when we are together and I believe fuels a lot of anxiety and perhaps even resentment - also he says that children feel an eternity away now (he feels he is 'unemployable' and doesnt know what he wants to do with his life, despite being an incredibly talented mechanical engineer) and he seems to be very depressed (maybe even on the edge of a breakdown - he isn't functioning well at all and hasn't for a long time) and only just now really coming to terms with what has happened to him. It's worth saying he had a VERY successful career before as an artist/maker and when we met he had just gone back as a mature student to do a Masters degree as the industry he was in was toxic (working all hours of the night for not very good pay). He could easily have set up his own design practice, or invented something amazing (I'm not just saying that - he already has patents etc) , and several people told me he was the most talented person they knew. Now, he hasn't worked in three years, has lost all of his professional confidence and can't even finish his masters dissertation which has been hanging over him for a year and a half.
He says his life is ‘in tatters’, and sadly, he is a shadow of the person I met, although I still love him very much and want to stick around and support him until he and we are better (which in practice has proved very difficult as I also need some support while grieving for my dad and am starting to feel resentful that he can’t give me this anymore). I haven’t wanted him sexually in quite some time – about six months – but I think this is more grief and depression than to do with him (also maybe just the fact that we haven’t been getting on). I think I maybe associate him now so strongly with cancer, and thus dad’s death….it got to where I couldn’t have sex with him without dad popping up in my head (I know that’s weird)
Now my dad has been dead for 2.5 months. Me and my boyfriend haven’t been getting on for a while, and last week he said he needed space and is very depressed and confused about ‘everything’. I think I may have been subconsciously pushing this too, despite it being my worst nightmare at this particular time, as I haven’t even begun to come to terms with dad’s death. I had been saying things like ‘you don’t want to be with me, you can’t take this’ etc, at the lowest points in our arguments – this was fueled I think by guilt for putting him through another traumatic experience where he was watching someone with cancer die, and also my own fears that he would leave me just when I needed him the most (ironic then that that has pushed him away). I also think my worry about his wellbeing and health made me push him away.
It’s such a shame because for the first two years we were really pretty good, given the circumstances – we managed to still keep our relationship feeling romantic, we cared about eachother deeply, we understood eachother in a really deep way, had fun when we could and even had a great sex life – despite the stoma bag he had for 8 months! There were a few times when I had doubts (due to our bickering and his dreamy-headedness and lack of direction – partially due to treatment obviously) and pushed them to the side because I didn’t feel I could give them space when so much was going on for him. I think I probably just needed some space to be honest, as looking after him was incredibly intense and demanding (and totally crazy that I ended up doing it, looking back – his parents were crap).
It’s worth saying we are both clear that we still love eachother, and we have provided unbelievable levels of support to each other these past three years. We are still suited really well and seem to ‘get’ eachother in a way that other people don’t (this was the case before he got sick too).
But it feels like we are trying to get back to a ‘normal’ that we never had. It’s really sad because in many ways I think we are very compatible, as does he; part of me thinks that if we let the dust settle, move out from living together (we moved in at a very stressful point in dad’s decline – not great), and maybe take six months to have some space, we might be okay.
But then the other side of me doesn’t want to hope for that in case I’m being deluded, and worries that he never loved me all along – he just needed me because he was ill, and then felt like he owed me something. I realise this is a very self destructive voice, and I am in therapy trying to counter it.
It is all too easy to put this relationship on the same pile of other ‘failed ‘ relationships I have had and berate myself for getting another one wrong.
Unhelpfully, one of the most difficult feelings I am experiencing is that I’ve ‘wasted’ my child-bearing years on yet another relationship that hasn’t gone right, and that if only I had been less exhausted, ratty and at-times downright bloody difficult to live with this would have all been okay. I know this is not necessarily a rational response, as I realise that the cirumstances would probably have driven anyone crazy, and he says that we both couldn’t have done anything more than we did – that the circumstances were ridiculously stacked against us. And it’s easy for me to forget the ridiculous lengths I have gone to to support him because they feel so far away now after dad’s death.
Please help me feel okay about if we do split up, and tell me if you think there is a chance in hell that we’ll be okay one day… or whether this kind of drama so early on is just a relationship killer.
I’d love to hear from other people who have had a trauma (or several) get in between someone they loved, despite their best efforts.
Also, please tell me if you think I’m being silly when I see this as another ‘failed’ relationship that is all my fault, and that there is no chance of me ever moving on and eventually having those kids that I mention.