Christmas and my mother

[velocitykate]

I wouldn't go so far as to say my Mum is toxic, but she is very needy, everything is always about her and I have issues with a non existent self esteem, which I think is related to things that happened in my childhood. I have one brother who is married and I am also married with three children. We both live about two hours from Mum although in opposite directions. My Dad died in February 2015 and she has become a lot worse since then.

My brother and i both regularly get passive aggressive phone calls "Noone ever rings me, I"m lonely, Nobody cares etc etc etc", She never has anything positive to say and I feel like she sucks the joy out of everything - I do really appreciate that she's old and lonely, but she really really doesnt help herself. She has, in the words of her older sister become "Old before her time".

I invited her to stay with us at Christmas 2015 - the first without my Dad and I'm afraid it was a complete nightmare. Edited highlights include a Trip to A an E at 6.30am on Cristmas morning because, after falling and hitting her head the previous day, refusing to go to A and E at tht point and then drinking the best part of a bottle of red wine (again after I asked her not to), she fell out of bed and hit her head on the skirting board (My husband still maintains that she did this on purpose, but I have given her the benefit of the doubt).

On Boxing day, she also picked a fight with me in front of my husband and children beginning with "Why are you so stroppy with me after I've done nothing but love you for 42 years....." (I admit I was acting like a sulky teenager because I just couldn't cope with her histrionics). When the conversation wasn't going how she expected (ie me apologising and fawning over her), she burst into tears at which point I'm ashamed to say I lost it. My Husband managed to calm the situation down, but she left swiftly the following morning and wouldn't speak to me for two weeks. When she did eventually phone, she acted like nothing had happened.

Fast forward to Sunday, she was alone for Christmas last year, because my Brother's wife won't have her in the house. She phoned to ask what we were doing for Christmas, could she come and stay etc. We had already had this conversation where I had done my best to make excuses about work commitments etc and offered to book a cottage at New Year for her to come and stay. On Sunday though, she pushed me and wanted to know exactly why she couldn't come for Christmas, so i had to tell her. She claimed to have no memory of what had happened the last time she came for Christmas apart from falling out of bed and obviously, that wasn't her fault. She should be with her family for Christmas, I am cruel and heartless and she's obviously been a terrible mother to me for me to treat her this way etc etc until her final line of contemplating suicide because we're all so horrible to her. I told her to stop emotionally blackmailing me and ended the conversation.

But I feel awful, I don't know what to do, I feel as if I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. That Christmas was so awful, I've had counselling because of it and i just can't do it again. I'm not responsible for her happiness. I wish I could wave a magic wand and make her happy and also someone who I would love to have for Christmas, but I can't. I already do as much as my mental health will allow and I just can't inflict that on my long suffering husband and children.

Am I awful? Sorry that was so long

Crumbs!

Are there any Christmas lunch places in her town?

What I mean is clubs that elderly or widows or widowers can go to have lunch together if they don't have family or can't go to family for whatever reason (like they are horrible to family)

Or pay for her to go to posh 5* hotel so she can be with other people (that don't know her or her ways)

I mean to stay over at posh 5* hotel as joint pressie with your brother

(Or whatever price hotel you can both afford)

On the plus side, it's not just you. Your brother and SIL feel the same.

Other than that, I have nothing useful to add except stick to your guns, OP.

Is there not an Age UK, WRVS, Befriender service, near her?

Someone she'd be on 'best behaviour' for?

BTW I mean you both pay for her to go to stay at hotel alone

You can't reason with her, there is nothing you can do to make her understand.

Invite her on a different day for lunch and enjoy a relaxed Christmas day with your family.

I bet it's only her that thinks you are cruel and heartless. Leave her to wallow in her opinions - however much you tried to bend over backwards would it ever be enough?
Enjoy your Christmas and salute your sil who won't have her either.

FGS don't have her for Xmas!!

Actually justbooked, I have never ever felt like I'm good enough for her whatever I do. I think I'm probably just beginning to accept that nothing I do will ever be good enough, so I should just stop bending over backwards and chill - It's bloody hard though!

I don't know about befriender services in her area - I hadn't thought of that, so I'll look into it - thank you.

I will have a think about the hotel idea, thanks chilly. She was asking if she could come and stay in a hotel down here, but I'm not comfortable with her driving that distance

A hotel in her local town or near to her home is what I meant deffo not near you or your brother

I think a social event or club or befriending idea is really good cos she will be nice to them and she might make friends and not be lonely or be horrible to you both if she has friends to meet up with during next year

Perhaps she could go and spend Christmas with her sister?

God she sounds just like my mother. Although my mum went a bit further with the bad behaviour. I don't know what to advise because my situation culminated with no longer speaking to her and we've not seen each other for 3 years and no contact at all in 18 months, nearly 2 years in fact. Not ideal, but ultimately the only way.

I am nc with my dm after a childhood of horrors then her trying to dictate my parenting - sometimes it really is just not worth trying to make things work. Gets to the point where You have to put You first - been 17 years and have no guilt.

I don't blame you one bit for not wanting her to stay with you for Christmas.

Tell her it won't be possible, but you'll see her at some point over the holidays for lunch, maybe. You could perhaps visit her for the day, or stay overnight in a nearby hotel and go out for dinner with her? It could be a nice outing.

If that's not workable, then tell her it won't be possible for you to see her over Christmas and that you hope she has a lovely time with her friends. And then change the subject.

She sounds like a nightmare.

This might be out of price range OP but how about a cruise? Lots of people to chat to and it could be your present too? Obviously might be a stretch too far for you financially but perhaps worth a look!

Its not you, its your mother and she is indeed toxic. She does not want to make things work, she simply wants you as her audience.

I would read up on histrionic personality disorder and narcissistic personality disorder and see how much of these relate to your mother and your own experiences with her. Its NOT your fault she is like this and you did not make her that way. Her own family of origin did that; what if anything do you know of her own background?.

You would not have tolerated this from a friend, your mother is no different.

You need higher boundaries re your mother; one that can be easily achieved is not having her at your house for Christmas. Christmas 2015 was bad enough (and I think her actions were all deliberate as well). Your family unit now come first, she has simply trained you to serve her and put your own needs last. You are indeed not responsible for her happiness and any suggestions of clubs etc will get dismissed out of hand by her. You cannot also help anyone who does not want to be helped.

Your boundaries re her anyway seem very much skewed as a result of her poor parenting towards you and you seem also mired in your own FOG (fear, obligation and guilt) re your mother. I would think your late father acted as a buffer to some extent and that is why her behaviour too has worsened since he died. Do you still have counselling, I think I would actually try and find a therapist to work with.

Keep your money and say no this does not work for us as and when needed.

Thank you all so much, it really helps to share and to hear others experiences.

Atilla, my mum is the third of three sisters, sister number 2 is also a nightmare, but the eldest and youngest are both very rational, sane, wise women - so I don't know why two of them are bonkers and the other two aren't!

My youngest aunt unfortunately died six years ago, which somehow managed to cause a massive fallout between sister number two (Who I think is worse than my mother) and my mum and the eldest. They are only just beginning to speak to each other again.

My eldest aunt is great - she has no children and is a widow, but does she sit around moaning? No, she doesn't, she has friends she has met through a bereavement group and goes on holidays and outings etc. She's six years older than my mother, has had cancer twice, but you would think she was younger and she has much better mobility.

I do still see the councillor every few weeks, which helps. Incidentally, I spoke to my mum last night (the first conversation since I told her to stop emotionally blackmailing me) and she was sweetness and light, no passive aggressive comments at all - so maybe refusing to take her shit does help!

I'm not going to go no contact at present, but I do think I need to put some boundaries in place and not having her for Christmas is one of them - I wouldn't put it past her to engineer some crisis or other to try and change that though.

Thanks again and please keep the advice coming

Going against everyone I don't think she sounds that bad. She's fell and hit her head and had to go to a and e, you can't hold that against her surely. Maybe she didn't want to ruin Christmas Eve as you have kids? Not a good idea to drink the wine after a bump to the head though.

I think she called you out for being sulky but what was the rest of the argument, why did you shout at her?

I don't think any of what you have said warrants nc. How old is she?