I don't feel I can support my mum's emotions anymore

[NCforthis12345]

I have tried my best to support my mum but I've had enough. Yesterday she directed her anger towards me - the only one who listens to her - and I don't know if I'm being selfish or not to have had enough.

This is a bit long but I don't want to miss anything out.

My mum and dad always had a terrible relationship. He was an emotionally and physically abusive man. He was terrifying when he'd had a drink which was often, and so we all walked on eggshells. My mum left at one point. We went to a council home but she shortly moved back.

At 18 I moved in with my DP and a few years later fell pregnant. The day I told my mum I was pregnant is the day she told me that my dad was being questioned for looking at indecent images of children. She literally told me a few minutes after my news (even though she had known for a couple of months yet hadn't mentioned it) which really hurt but I let it pass. My dad shortly returned home from work but I was instructed not to let him know I knew.

A couple of months later my mum tells me that she's just found out from my stepsister that my dad had abused her as a child. My mum stayed. Apparently because she didn't want to cause upset for my autistic brother and wanted to let him finish college before she moved. I need to add that although my brother adored my dad he was scared of him and I was told that once my dad told him off so scarily that my poor brother wet himself. Anyway so my mum stayed with my dad. Kept saying she was planning on leaving.

She would tell me all this and yet I always had to pretend I knew nothing so my dad didn't suspect. I had to listen to her feelings and put mine aside. She told me not to tell DP but I of course did and rightly so - was I not allowed to need to release my upset and anger?! She always expected me to take it all on and keep it bottled up.

I had my little girl and a few months later my dad passed away - not long before his court date. He was guilty btw as he had admitted this to my mum.

My mum moved away. She visits every few months and we speak weekly but nothing is getting better for her.

She has started counselling and I hope this betters things for her but atm it just seems to have opened it all up and made her think about things which has resulted in many down days and many distressed calls to me.

When she rings me to talk about how low she is I try my best to support her. I am not trained to deal with depression but I try my best to help her. I really really do. My siblings (not including younger brother) don't lend an ear so I get a lot of it. She always talks unkindly about my siblings as well and tells me of their disagreements.

Yesterday she called me very upset. Again I did my best to support and she soon got off the phone as my youngest needed me.

I then get a message asking me not to turn into my calculating, sneaky and selfish brother. I then kindly replied that I know she is upset so I will not take it to heart but please don't say that to me again. She then starts to say how my youngest shouldn't be having to deal with all the shit (I soon find out she means having to see my mum upset etc.) and that I can be selfish. That is out of my control! This really angered me so I called her. She lets rip and says I sit on the fence, that I don't stick up for her. She basically wants me to agree and kiss her arse every time she and a sibling argue but to be frank I know she relays the story to look the victim all the time and she can never see her errors. I don't admit this to her but at that same time I offer different perspectives on the arguement. I then say all I ask is that you don't compare me to my brother in an unkind way because it hurt and she screams that she is 50% suicidal and if that's all I have to be hurt about in life then that's fucking good. I have dealt with a lot of trauma throughout my life but she can't see past her own problems. Burdens me and yet thinks I'm not affected. She acts like she's the only one who has been through trauma and grief. What about all the shit I've had to witness and listen to. What about my poor sister who after years admits the abuse and yet my mum doesn't leave. She has never said sorry to anyone and hates it if you pull her up on anything. It's always woe is me. Don't blame me for anything. Etc.

She just made me feel like yesterday that my feelings don't matter... And why should I get involved with silly rows? I'm enjoying life with my little family and she keeps dragging me back to our past and seeking constant reassurance and sympathy and words of wisdom and I have had enough.

She made it clear yesterday that my feelings don't matter. Only hers. She loves to self pity and I do hold resentment and anger about my childhood and being bombarded with her emotions from a young age and it's never ending. I have nothing else to give. I just want to forget and move on.

I am so sorry that she is depressed but at the same time it has reached a point where I feel it is impossible to help her.

She said that she was so doting towards her mum and I'm not like that with her. But at the same time she didn't have to support her mum in the same way I have iyswim.

But at

I feel selfish for even feeling like I've had enough when she is so upset.

I don't know what response I am looking for tbh. Any advice I suppose. And it feels good to vent tbh.

If you read this far then wow! And thank you.

Did not want to read and run, but you are not selfish for wanting to take a step back and have some air. She chose to stay with your Dad. She chose to be abusive. And she chooses to abuse you emotionally. I would honestly go low contact/grey rock with her - her phone calls are just a way for her to feed to drama and do nothing whatsoever for you. You are the child, nit the parent. You are not responsible for her happiness.

Thank you. I feel it would be impossible to lessen contact with her because I know it would hurt her so much. Why is it impossible for her to see past her own feelings.. or to actually take some responsbility!!!

Op you nee to start putting yourself first and leave your toxic mother to her own devices and sort out her own messed up life.

She has got you believing that somehow you are her Counsellor and should listen to all her excuses for putting her children through a living nightmare and then trying to offload all the crap onto you.

Stop enabling her behaviour and look after yourself and life your life because if you let her carry on you will suffer more in the long run.

I think it’s really important to point out here that you, as an adult, owe her nothing and you have a choice about the kind of relationships you keep in your life.

You are a mum - your children are your priority now. It’s ok for you to think (and feel and say) that you can’t handle her emotions or be her crutch anymore. You wouldn’t be leaving her in the lurch, she has a counsellor now.

On a practical level, can I suggest that you stop answering the phone to her. Pick a time that suits you (and set a time limit), and call her when you feel strong.
Give yourself specific words to say when she says something unkind / over emotional or nasty.
“I’m not talking about that,” “I don’t agree,” “I can’t deal with that for you.”
Don’t say sorry for not helping, don’t explain why (as it opens the door for her argue with you), and be prepared for tantrums along the way.
[i have had similar with a family member, not as extreme as you. I ended up just walking away from them / leaving their house / putting the phone down when they kept going. Took a few times but it worked and they don’t do it anymore].

Have you ever considered counselling for yourself OP? it sounds as though you have quite a lot to work through there

I also want to add that you are looking at her to behave in a way you understand. You will always be disappointed with that mind set.
She is too self-centred to be able to think like you. You wouldn’t put your children through this but she is doing it to her daughter without a thought to the effect on you.
Show your children how they deserve to be treated and that they don’t have to accept this from anyone

OP, I agree with the other posters but I also know how very difficult it is to deal with or go NC.

I have been in the same situation with my mum for years. She has , over time fallen out with my brother and sister and I'm the only one now who will listen to her. Like your mum she sees only how things affect her. I expect you've experienced the same as me - she will dismiss my thoughts and feelings and no matter how bad I feel she always feels worse. I don't know if your mum does this to you but my mum is also very good at making me feel guilty by saying things like "I don't know where I'd be without you", " I rely on you so much". Also, I must be the only 50+ woman who is scared of her mum shouting at her. But at the same time I do care about her and worry about her a lot.

I would give you some words of caution: this week I've had a MH crisis and was nearly hospitalised for my own safety, and I am sure much of it comes back to years of my mum and her behaviour. I can't give you any good suggestions about how to deal with your mum. I know how difficult it is. Limited contact perhaps, encourage her to seek professional help but above all look after your own mental health - maybe find a counsellor for yourself to help you formulate your thoughts and some good strategies for yourself. (I wish I had done this before}

Thank you everyone for your words. You've offered a way of thinking that my DP and very close friend couldn't quite offer (although they tried bless them). I am definitely going to be stronger going forward. You are so right that I am still waiting for her to behave in a way I understand and I need to accept that is not going to happen. Hopefully being firmer in what I will accept going forward will help both of us in the long run but at least I will not be affected anymore and therefore nor will my family.

Thank you again. I've been wanting to share my feelings on MN for a while now and I only wish I did it sooner.

Good advice Handbag Crazy about having some set phrases that you use with her and being firm.

With regards to counselling seeing how it has so far caused my mum more trouble I am scared of talking properly through my own trauma and grief. Perhaps in the future, when my DC aren't so little, I will look into but atm I feel I don't have the strenght to dig that deep. It is something I am strongly considering though.

anna yes my mum does manage to make me feel guilty. I really struggle to be tough with her for fear of what trouble that will bring! And I am so sorry to hear you have gone and are going through similar . It's really tough and I hope you recover from your MH crisis speedily and with strength and happiness.

Take a step back, OP. She is being abusive, and she's been abusive towards you all your life.

If she's depressed, she should talk to a therapist, not you. Please don't feel guilty for protecting yourself, your life, and your family.

Setting boundaries is never a bad thing. And you need to set yours with respect to your mother.

And I agree that talking to a therapist yourself would be an extremely good idea, OP. You were abused and your mother is toxic. I think you would find it very helpful.

Yes, perhaps it will help me see things for what they really are instead of this vision of an abused mother I have been trained to only see. Thank you

Definitely second the grey rock advice. I have a similar dynamic with my mother. I do grey rock- give her nothing to work on. I say 'oh dear' 'gosh that must have been upsetting' and 'what a shame' an awful lot. I don’t engage notionally or try to actually help- no one can actually help. I just listen vaguely while playing on my iPad and reading mumsnet and make noises, aha, aha, did he? Aha...

Once you detach emotionally you can manage so much better. I’d be wary of challenging her unless absolutely necessary. Just be less available. Challenging and contradicting can lead to very destructive rage.

Hi op I have two videos for you to watch and a book, but am on phone app so will have to do in three separate posts...

daughters of narcissistic mothers

I can't see that link so just hope it's the right one!

how to set boundaries with difficult people

where to draw the line, setting healthy boundaries

This book is fairly short and you can get it on kindle.

You can't change her. You can change what you will and won't accept.

Best of luck

pickle I love the 'oh dear' 'gosh that must have been upsetting' and 'what a shame'idea. Definitely going to use that going forward.

Thanks so much buttocks I'll give those a proper listen to once the DC are in bed. That's very helpful of you. Thanks again.

You feel guilty and selfish, because you've been trained since a young girl that your feelings and your needs don't matter, that only your mother's are important. Your feelings are completely important, but probably your mother is never going to recognise that.

I know counselling so scary and difficult. I'm going through some right now and I do find it hard, but is really helping me to see that I matter, that it is okay to think about myself and put myself first sometimes. I'f urge you to get some counselling if you can, just to give yourself a different perspective on things.

Your mother has not done a great job, by the sounds of it. It sounds like she just wanted to bury her head in the sand and use you as her emotional crutch. That Should not have been your role.

I'm not sure what to advise for you going forward. Maybe you feel like you can say to her out right but you can't keep supporting her emotionally. I don't know. But maybe getting some outside help will enable you to deal with the situation .