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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DP issues.....

12 replies

lissielissiewoowoo · 17/04/2007 09:42

Is there a way of coping with a partner with a jealous/slightly paranoid streak without actually leaving them (which I have threatened to do) or banging my head against a brick wall?

My DP has a terrible habit of assuming that because my DD's father left me when I was pg that this has somehow coloured my relationships now and the repercussions are still with me now. I had a LTR in my early 20s but when I came out of that one I went to uni and had a good time. When I got together with my DP, he wanted to sleep with me almost immediately which I put off as I was enjoying just being with him after a rather long time of not dating (I did explain this to him at the time) but he assumed that I had some pyschological hangup due to a past fling I'd had some years ago. This wasn't true but to a certain extent I let him believe it as it was easier than keep arguing the toss about me not being frigid etc (this was from a man of 34!). Anyway we 'got past' that eventually and the last few months have been good. Last night this all arose again for some reason and in my temper I told him that he assumed too much about people, he always wanted to put some problem on them and then he 'could' fix it for them in order to feel good about himself. Naturally this didn't help matters very much and I had to admit that I'd let him believe that last year he'd 'helped' me when in fact it was more a case of me not being ready for a sexual relationship at that particular time. That rapidly ended the conversation! I guess that most men would end the relationship at that point..... but he hasn't. I don't want to keep being 'fixed' or have problems put on me for him to sort out.... so how do I tell him to either leave it out or forget us??? Arggghhhhhhhhhhhhh!

OP posts:
Tanee58 · 17/04/2007 12:31

Hi Lissie, Do you actually want a long term relationship with someone who keeps wanting to 'fix' you? Why does he need to believe that you're frigid or social/sexually dysfunctional? Could it be that he's a little insecure in himself (ie saying that you had a problem because you didn't want to sleep with him immediately - a man that age should be more sensitive/aware/less desperate!)

From my experience, men with jealousy/paranoia problems don't get better - and you could wear yourself out trying to reassure him. The one boyfriend I allowed to try to 'fix' me (I was young and naive at the time) ended up stalking me for two years & I had to get a solicitor onto him! I'd be very careful about deciding whether to stay with him. You could have much more fun with someone who's as sure of himself as he is of you!

Original poster
lissielissiewoowoo · 17/04/2007 17:54

I found out this afternoon that he went to a 'mental' school when he was 8. I already knew that he'd been assessed by a child pyschologist about that age but I didn't think anything of it - I assumed it was some childhood trauma long forgotten.

I think it's time to wave him goodbye as there appear to be too many issues for me to deal with, without me losing my sanity myself or having to admit to things that I'm not in order to please him .

I know this sounds like a cop out but I have to look after myself and DD first before I can look after anyone else

OP posts:
Tanee58 · 17/04/2007 18:08

Lissie, this is NOT a cop out. You have to put yourself & dd first - you are quite right. If he's got longstanding issues, then hard as it is, it's better to get out now than spend your life supporting him and his problems at your expense. Try not to be - you will miss him, but you are doing the right thing - otherwise he will just mess with your head. I wish I'd dumped my paranoid bf years earlier than I did (we lasted 5 years) - but he was my first serious guy and I made all sorts of excuses. These days I wouldn't give that sort of man more than one date! He damaged my self-esteem a lot in those 5 years & it's taken over 20 years to recover - luckily my present dp has been able to boost my confidence and undo a lot of the damage - despite having issues of his own .

Good luck Lissie and let us know how you get on.

Original poster
lissielissiewoowoo · 17/04/2007 18:30

Thanks Tanee - now all I have to do is give him the good news!! This won't be easy.

I hope that he gets himself sorted out.

OP posts:
kimi · 17/04/2007 18:41

You could tell him that you had a bit more respect for yourself then he had for you by wanting to sleep with you very early on in the relationship.

It sounds like HE has issues and is trying to make himself feel better/normal (for want of a better word) by trying to pack his baggage on you.
Walk away and find someone better.

Anniegetyourgun · 18/04/2007 01:19

Haha! My first serious bf was paranoid too - but instead of letting him go, I thought I could do the "fixing". I thought once he got to know me properly he'd feel secure and confident. I gave it 23 years, and he never did change.

Tanee58 · 18/04/2007 13:49

I agree with kimi - and Annie, glad you got out of it in the end! Men like this like making US feel inadequate, because it makes THEM feel strong - and deep down, they know that THEY are the weak ones (hence my psycho-exbf stalking me and trying to get me to marry him, once I'd finished with him, after years of telling me that he 'needed his freedom' and that I was frigid, probably barren etc etc ad infinitum. Nuts!

Anniegetyourgun · 18/04/2007 14:00

You're so right, Tanee, and thanks.

Mine was always saying "this marriage is over", "I'll take myself away so you can find someone better"... and now of course, he's doing everything to stop the divorce going through. They want you to run after them and cry and stuff, and when you don't they go all "ooh-er, that one didn't work, what shall I try now? Oh I know, let's tell her I love her, worth a try probably". Try telling your next woman you love and respect her, find her attractive etc BEFORE you get to crisis point next time, you insensitive clod.

He still doesn't trust me, though (not that it matters any more). Still thinks it's all about another man. It couldn't possibly be about HIM. Because he's never done anything wrong. Naturally.

Bitter? Moi? I'd better have a cup of tea before my keyboard catches fire.

Tanee58 · 18/04/2007 14:51

God, Annie, are we talking about the same man? I split with my psyche (henceforth known in the family as 'Pratface' about that long ago .... his name didn't begin with N, did it ?

Tanee58 · 18/04/2007 14:55

I meant psycho!

Tanee58 · 18/04/2007 14:57

Seriously though, it's scary how many of these insecure types are out there, and how many women get fooled by their 'kindness'. Lissie, hope you manage to get out without too much trauma. I'll be keeping an eye on this thread, let us know how things go.

Anniegetyourgun · 18/04/2007 19:25

Nope, not an N. Perhaps they went to the same school though...

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