Elderly parent

[millionsardines]

My mother is 75 + and starting to loose her memory, ( my father died a few years ago) I live 4 hours away, and have never had any bond with her, in fact I don't like her, and find visiting very stressful, I am not sure what my responsibilities are for her future care, I am not well, and I have to " care" for myself, there is no way I could care for her as well. I can't bear the thought of what happened to both my grandmothers, they had dementia, were put in a home, didn't recognise us, and just faded away. Am I avoiding my responsibilities by not looking after my mum ?

As you said you need to put your own health first so make that your priority

Sounds like a difficult situation. Can you talk to your mum about this. And arrange power of attorney for her. If there is nowone else that can advocate for her maybe a solicitor can act on her behalf.

Does she currently need care? What other family is there?

The first step is to talk to your mum's GP (or write to them) about her memory loss, including what evidence you have. Better if you can take her after as GP will have your letter but also can chat with mum. If it's low level, and she is managing, then you might want to persuade mum to privately arrange help (once a week 1-2 hours, who keeps an eye on her or takes her out).
If her memory loss is significant (their clinical test level) , GP will refer to community older persons mental health team, they will take it from there, liaising with you and adult health and social care as appropriate if mum needs care or is at serious risk.

Definitely make sure you get Lasting Power of Attorney financial affairs asap. You can choose to do it yourself printing out online forms for cost of court application (or pay a solicitor which costs more) but either is far better than waiting to when your loved one no longer has capacity to give manage her finances (deputyship) as that takes ages & can be fraught.

You can help your mum from afar, you don't have to do hands on care and it's very early to think only option is residential care, there's lots of support out there to keep people at home.

Unless the OP's mother has lost all ability to manange, she will have to agree to PoAs both for financial and health matters.

My late father refused both. So until she lacks capacity and the OP can go to court she would have to have a possibly tricky conversation first.

But OP, definitely get in touch with her GP who can advise of options, but living with you doesn't sound like a good idea.

It's not a tricky conversation about LPAs for everyone. I already have LPAs (finances) for my parents, it's about future proofing for if and when they might need you to step in. That's how to phrase it. If OP's mum doesn't want to set up LPA, that's a different issue.

OP do you have any siblings to share this with? I'm an only child with a DM a similar distance away who has so far refused to set up POA - so by all means have the conversation with your mother but if she refuses then that's something that you have to deal with later. It's a tricky situation and I have no advice just empathy.