Relationship with girlfriend

[uau101]

Hi all

Me (38) and my girlfriend (34) (no kids) have recently starting going to relate counselling but could do with some outside opinions about our situation.. sorry this has ended up being a really long post but I have tried to include all the relevant info.

We met 7 years ago, moved in together 2 years ago, and up until around 3 years ago everything was mostly great, not perfect but pretty good. We had occassional arguments but these were about minor things. Last 3 years it feels like we have argued more and the resentment has festered more and more. The last 3 weeks have been terrible and so we have agreed to go to the counselling sessions and take it from there...

2 months ago we bought a house together and it was this that really triggered things. My girlfriend told me that as soon as we moved in this triggered feelings of anxiety and depression that were the same as when she moved in with her Aunt when she was a teenager. She felt trapped and unable to escape the situation much like now. She also told me these feelings were worsened by some of my behaviours. We talked about these and some of the main things she mentioned that caused this were around my "my way or the highway" attitude to certain things as well as what she saw as my hot and cold attitude to her which made her feel anxious and on edge a lot of the time. For example she has been watching tv in the living room and I have made a comment about her doing this which has upset her. Another example is that she has some issue with hand movement, we were cooking one day and I got angry (frustrated) with this and called her doddery, she got upset about this. This last one happened around 5 years ago but she brought it up in our last counselling session which surprised me that she had not been able to fogive this comment which I accept was a stupid thing to say at the time but had forgotten it until she mentioned it. This has led me to realise there is a lot of anger and resentment that we both need to let go of as well as trying to forgive each other for what we have said and done in the past to each other.

I can recognise that I have behaved wrongly and have tried to understand the way it made my girlfriend feel, part of the counselling is getting me to understand why I have behaved in this way, and much harder trying to get me to change these behaviours.

From my point of view I have felt frustrated with her more laid back attitude to the important things in life such as saving up to buy a house. I feel like she uses me as a dumping ground for her problems while not taking the time to listen to what I have to say. She has recognised this and is taking steps to change her communication style towards me.

We both have a similar personality style which is quite stubborn although we are able to disagree amicably on a lot of things it is the odd thing that is causing the massive conflicts. Another issue is that my girlfriend said that she feels pressured to giving in to me too much and because of doing this for a number of years has said she feels like she is a different person which is again contribution to her current depression and anxiety. She has also had setbacks after going to her gp with these depression issues and not being taken seriously about this. She is now in the process of registering with a new gp who hopefully will provide some support. When we visit the counselling sessions the counsellor was quite concerned about my girlfriends levels of depression and anxiety.

We are currently in different rooms in the house, we do talk but she has said she needs space. We do talk and we go out and about to the park and so on. Intimacy does not exist since she mentioned she does not want to touch me a couple of weeks ago, this last comment I had some difficulty dealing with and is causing me some resentment which she has picked up on.

As I write the above I realise it paints the relationship in a very gloomy light. If it was just this and very little positive it would be an easy decision to leave. There have been and still are fantastic times together, we gel very well despite having personality clashes, in fact our personalities are so similar we have both said this is probably a major cause of our clashes. We can talk about all kinds of things in an easy way and can just sit in silence without being uncomfortable. There are many other things but this is just to give a more balanced view.

So my question after all this background and rambling is this: as part of the counselling there is a lot of recognising behaviours and trying to change them. I am in two minds as to whether we can really change who we are and so resolve these issues in order to stay together. We have agreed to try the counselling and have said that at a certain point it will become clear what the outcome will need to be. Based on what I've tried to describe accurately what is the opinion about whether we should try and work things out or should we part company?

Honestly, it sounds like too steep a climb. As you point out, it's hard to see the good side but she has pulled so far away from you. She feels trapped by the house, by the relationship, etc. There's no joy.

If she is clinically depressed, as sounds likely, you might wait it out until she can get effective treatment for it and then reassess things. It's hard to sort out what is due to the depression and anxiety and what is due to genuine problems in the relationship. In your 30's with no kids it really shouldn't be this hard.

Sorry you're going through this.

Give the counselling some time, then decide your next move.

It all sounds draining to me tbh. I'd expect happiness in your new home...but it seems to be so stressful.

I'm really struck that you made a mean comment about her disability and now (5 years on) are surprised that she still remembers - and think that the solution now is to let go of resentment and forgive each other for things said.

Sometimes, even years on, we have to recognise that what someone has said to us isn't a throwaway ill judged line, but a part of them.

I'm partially deaf, it means my colleagues, friends, family and partners over the years have often had to repeat things. No-one has EVER made a mean comment about that out of frustration. If they did, you bet I'd remember it 5 years on - and it would form my opinion of them. It's not just something to forgive and forget.

So... I'm curious what this other comment was, about watching TV in the living room?

There's no mention of love in your post...without love, respect and deep commitment no relationship will survive the long term.

Thank you for the comments so far some of which are hard to read but it is good to see other peoples opinions. I'm partially deaf as well as a result of an ear infection, this happened around 3 years ago and I now wear a hearing aid and am having to deal with hearing loss and tinnitus and ear pains. My girlfriend has made comments about my lack of hearing but in a jokey sort of way and I have accepted it as that.

You don't have to accept it. And nor did she. I expect my partner to show understanding and some sympathy for my disabilities, not to joke about it.

That's nothing to joke about. You ignored the red flags before buying a house. Seriously... she's not worth it.

She sounds quite passive to me which isnt doing her any good.

Why did you move in together 2 years ago when things had started going downhill 3 years ago?.

What was the issue with her regarding TV in thr living room?.

What do you resent her for? Do YOU have any resentment or anger?

I'm really trying to take your post at face value but it's hard not to read between the lines:
Your way or the highway
Hot and cold towards her
She's suffering with anxiety
Feels trapped
Feeling pressured into doing things your way
Making ableist comments (I couldn't forgive this)

I could be completely off base, but this sounds a lot like how an emotionally abusive person would describe their own behaviour - vague and slightly euphemistic. When she says she feels pressured about some things, is sex one of those things? Because if it is, that will breed resentment and anxiety so fast it'll make your head spin.

You don't have any kids, you're not married. I'd cut your losses. If you really want to salvage things, you may need to think a bit more critically about your behaviour as a third party would see it. Again, I could be wrong, it's just the impression I get.

And yes, the TV in the living room thing sound properly bizarre and controlling.

It reads to me as well that a. You both have strong personalities but that b. You rule the house and have poor control over how your frustration comes out at her.

There is a massive difference for example between jokey comments during normal life and insulting comments made during a rage.

I also think it is telling that when she has told you she wants space from sex, that she doesn’t want you to touch her you are angry and resentful rather than concerned about what has happened to cause her to feel that way.

What you describe about your relationship is frighteningly similar to my last relationship. I was depressed and anxious because I was living in complete fear of x. We never lived together but literally everything had to be done his way, even the way I walked and thought...

He would have described it as ‘we are both very similar and so butt heads’ but from my perspective he was raging and intimidating and I was frightened of him, he thought it was stupid of me to feel that way so I wasn’t even allowed to have my own feelings about the things he said and did.

I agree with everything Tammy said.

Thank you everyone for the comments, they are really useful and appreciated and there are certain things that have been mentioned that have really made me prick up my ears as I have not really seen things in this way before. I will read through them again in a day or so in a fresh light and I will need to take these away and see how I can work on these things. It is difficult not to feel slightly defensive but I will have to keep an open mind and see things from other points of view.

• I have never ever pressured for sex during our entire relationship, I think we would both agree with this.
• It is a very interesting comment about me feeling hurt rather than concerned for my girlfriend when she wanted space (I didn't want sex by the way, just to be close to her but the comment is still valid). Thank you. It is obvious that this reaction is wrong when you think about it but I need to consider why I have put my feelings first. It suggests I have little respect for her feelings at a difficult time.
• The comments about being emotionally controlling and needing to understand things from other's point of view are also interesting. I am a detached kind of person who can sometimes feel disconnected with feelings although I have them so other people must as well! I think I need to work on this and try to figure out how I regain the ability to see things from other people's point of view especially the consequences my actions have on other people.
• Poor control over how frustration comes out - yes agree with this. I need to manage my emotions better. Maybe again linked with feelings.
• The strange thing is that we can disagree amicably about what / how to do 100 things but it is the 101st thing that we disagree about strongly that causes ill feeling.
• I think one of the problems we both have is that quite often talk in a jokey / bolshy way to each other on all sorts of things, ripping fun out of virtually every topic. This can sometimes spill over into more personal areas where it probably shouldn't. Again 99% of times it just washes over but the 1% is where it causes a problem.
• My girlfriend is a strong person and strong personality, I know this for myself and she is more than able to stand up to me and put me in my place. Sometimes though she's gone along with what I've said without explaining that she's unhappy about it, and when we talked about this it seems this has been causing the feelings of being pressured. I am not really clear why she hasn't said anything about it at the time, maybe she didn't want to hurt my feelings? This is one thing will will hopefully become clearer in counselling.

The fact that she can't tell you when she's not happy with something and just goes along with it is a red flag. Clearly she is anxious or fearful of the consequences of saying she doesn't want to do something - could be as simple as the fear that you might be cold to her, that she feels rightly or wrongly that she has to walk on eggshells around you, could be that it causes a row every time so she feels there's little point, or something else. But there is a reason she's not telling you these things. Hopefully counselling can help you figure out what that is but if you can figure it out and temper that behaviour then that can change.