Kind of been lied to grrrrrr

[Ahhh1234]

So a new guy joined work about 3 months ago. We had an instant connection and got on really well. Just chatting about day to day things. Things we had in common. We were having a work night out not long after he joined so invited him. He declined because he was going on holiday. Anyway not once in these 3 months has he mentioned a gf or implied a partner. He was talking as if a single guy.

My friend at work over heard the guy speaking to my manager about his gf. I work part time so only in 2 days a week. Anyway turns out they have been together 1 and a half years. He met her online. Apparently saying he isn't committed and taking it day by day. Saying he would like to meet someone at work or something because then you know they are real. Apparently his gf lied about her age.

I just feel hurt he kind of lied and implied he was single. Even last week he was asking if I was going to the work Xmas due and saying he weren't going unless I was. I need to back away from this guy but have feelings. Feel sad. Why do men want to have their cake and eat it???

I don't get it he never told you he liked you, never told you he DID not have a partner, you never asked to say he has lied to you. He might of just been friendly and seeking to make work colleagues I think you fancied him and got ur hopes up.
It is not a crime to not tell the opposite sex that you are in a relationship tbh it's nobody business

And now u stop being friendly with him because of your own assumptions

YABU...they can do this. But dating at work is a no no anyway so its a lucky escape you had.

Poor bloke is completely innocent.

Those of you who are saying he is keeping his private life away from the workplace, and he is entitled to do this. Yes , if he was in fact keeping them separate. He isn't. He is choosing who he tells at work, which is why the OP knows about the girlfriend. He is selectively telling people, to keep his options open, IMHO

Thank you spongebob!! He shares his personal life with other people when im not there! He shared other aspects of his personal life with me but not his gf.

Also me being predatory, really?? We both have been talking and texting. Its not all one sided.

He was flirting, not nice for his girlfriend but you were running before you could walk. Your instant connection with this guy led you to over inves too soon. Now you know that he has no qualms about being disrespectful to his real gf, you can thank your lucky stars that you aren’t her.

I think he fancies you a little bit but I doubt it's more than that. Otherwise he'd have mentioned his gf. He's not been with her that long and no kids, so nothing stopping him from splitting up with her and asking you out if he wanted to.

So, yes, I'd be a bit annoyed but it's a warning if the type of boyfriend he is.

But OP, you’re only there a couple of days a week, maybe you’re just not around when he talks about her? I really do think you’re making too much of this. Either way, you know he’s taken now so just switch off your “possible boyfriend” filter, switch on your “just a work colleague” filter and get over it because nothing really happened.

It's not you who should feel hurt really though, surely the sympathy should lie with his gf of a year and a half who he's stringing along whilst pretending to be single at work. I wouldn't go there personally!

A new guy joins your place of employment, is friendly and chatty to you but doesn't discuss his personal life with you nor has he asked you out or made a move yet. He's done absolutely nothing wrong and you sound deranged. The fact that he has discussed his personal life with others not you simply means he's more comfortable with the others and it doesn't matter what your friend says about thinking he's interested, she's only trying to make you feel better because you have the hots for him.
Leave him alone - he's allowed to not fancy you.

Hmm, I'd be suspicious of any bloke who hadn't once, in 3 months of enthusiastic chatting, mentioned he had a partner. Especially when he'd mentioned her to someone else. Why would he keep this info quiet from OP? It would be just as easy enough to say "me and my GF went on a city break". Consciously or subconsciously he's keeping that quiet from OP. Why? He's admitted he's not commited to his GF and would rather date someone from work. He's said he's not ging to the Xmas do unless OP goes. I don't think she's imagining anything, I think he's lying by ommision so she thinks he's single, and he's keeping his options open. How convenient he's not on social media too. Makes it far more difficult for people to find out about him, eg whether he's is in a relationship. Handy eh.

Err except he HAS told people at work he has a girlfriend...............

thank you whataload this is excatly it!! I'm glad a few people get where im coming from and dont see me as jumping on him! Because i havent been! Like i said it 2 sided not all me.

He has spoken to me about his nanny dying and about previous girlfriends etc so quite personal things.

Anyway im not chasing this guy as he has a GF, im not that type of person.

You really don’t sound deranged. I’m amazed how many people normalise odd behaviour. It’s weird if you get on well with someone not to mention a OH. Of course it is!

He’s fine it because either fancies you or wants you to fancy him. Totally get why you’re irritated

Why are you only thanking people who agree with you.
If he has been flirting/making inappropriate advances towards you then I would understand why youre a litttle peeved but it doesn't sound that way.
He might be a cheatng idiot or he may have just choose not to tell YOU about his personal life. He is allowed to do that.
You wasn't part of the conversations your friend overheard, it may have been relevant at that point to discuss his GF.
As I said he maybe a complete twat but from what you've said it sounds like he's trying to be friendly with people, men and women can be friends without romantic feelings being involved, then all of a sudden you start giving him the cold shoulder, of course he would want to know wby. It doesn't mean he fancies you and to think that is coming across as slightly arrogant hun.
Either way he hasn't lied, he hasn't done anything wrong, he can choose what he tells you and what he doesn't. I understand you may be a bit disappointed but that's not his fault. Sorry op but it does sound like you're making a bit of a mountain out of a molehill. I find it quite patronising that you say you feel sorry for his GF, she may know all about you and trust her BF enough not to care. Really you know nothing about her or their relationship.

Why would she thank the rude arses?

I don't think she should thank anyone that's been rude, that's a silly thing to suggest.
But the majority of posters have made valid points, the fact that the op has only thanked the ones who agree with her made me feel as though she was making a point of completely overlooking that fact, which, considering the op has posted on a public forum, im assuming to receive a variety of views and opinions, well personally I felt that was a little rude. But hey were all entitled to our opinions

You've called her arrogant and said she's patronising. And your tone of post is hardly supportive, which it could even if you disagree. So personally I felt you were a little rude.

So hardly silly for me to suggest it.

There are lots of posters on here who are determined that no one knows they are attractive or that people fancy them unless they are arrogant and up their own arses. Very odd. Almost like they are trying to take an OP down a peg or two, which I imagine you would only want to do if you're insecure or just an arse.

why would i thank being called arrogant and patronising. im thanking them because they get my POV.

I think i can tell if someone is being a little more friendly than the norm at work. We have been flirting and chat most of the day, go for lunch just us two. Text each other. None of which you see. So yes i am annoyed he left the fact out that he has a gf!

No im not going to continue the level of closeness we have had. And im not going to give him the cold shoulder. Just keep it more neutral

There are lots of posters on here who are determined tthat no one knows they are attractive or that people fancy them unless they are up their own arses.......im sorry I don't understand what this means.
I didn't call the op arrogant I don't know her, I simply said her view that he must fancy her because he is now reaching out to her since receiving the cold shoulder could be perceived as arrogant, apologies, perhaps I could have worded it a little better.
I asked the op why she was only thanking people who agreed with her, you asked why I thought she should apologise to rude arses, they are two different things so yes I do think it was a silly suggestion, but again, apologies if this offended you.
I do think to offer pity to someone who the op knows nothing about is patronising, but that was included as an opinion, an observation not intended as an insult. I have to disagree that the 'tone' of my response was unsupportive, I made a number of points that I feel are justified. I'm not sure why the op would need me to support her in any case, I didn't see this as being a situation where support was required if I'm honest, although I never felt the need to try and bring the op down a peg or two, as you suggest some may have done.
Anyway lets not derail the ops post, perhaps you could offer her some advice from your perspective

Op you have every right to be upset if he has been inappropriate towards you as I said in my response.
If you feel he has flirted with you then that's fine, we can only go on the information you have given us and I didn't feel that any of the details you did share pointed to inappropriate behaviour.
I work with males, some of whom I share texts with, go to lunch with and have banter with, I have no interest in them romantically, nor vice versa so I guess I was basing your post on my experiences, apologies if I got that wrong.
I do think that if you are going to thank people for their views though it would be nice to also thank the ones for the responses who may not agree with you, offer a different insoght too. Obviously not the rude ones, but it's your post, your choice. I was just giving my opinion, im glad youve made a decision and arrived at a resolution though.

Ok alittle in not distraught at him having a gf neither am I at different opinions to mine. But thanks for your apologies

Have you been single a while OP?

I'm surprised that his behaviour towards OP doesn't seem odd to most PPs, because whenever a woman posts on here and says her parter has been frequently chatting and texting a female colleague and having 1-1 lunches with her, but hadn't told her he has a GF/partner/wife it's seen as rather dodgy behaviour.

In my experience, unfortunately, there are plenty of men that behave that way and we do know the difference between flirting and general chatting. Of course it doesn't translate well in writing because it's not just what they say it's their mannerisms, tone, and body language too, but we know when they're doing it. It doesn't necessarily mean the men want to date us, but at the very least they're hoping for an ego massage. If I'd been treated like OP I'd think the man was single and interested too, because that's the impression he's giving.