Weird relationship with Parents

[Polarbearflavour]

I’ve been thinking about this a lot recently and have previously discussed with a therapist.

My parents are...odd. They are generally fine when everything is going well. But they can’t seem to handle anything negative such as relationship breakdowns or me crying. So obviously I never tell them anything about my life now! My mum is much worse than my dad.

Even as a small child, they did not handle tears well and seemed unable to cope with me being unhappy. Even when our pet dog died / grandparents died, my mum seemed unable to provide comfort.

Several friends have commented that my parents throw money at things rather than deal with emotions.

My mum is obsessed with everything being perfect. When I had a foot fracture she wanted me to be walking “normally” again the same week so I wouldn’t look “weird.” As a teenager, a couple of spots required a private dermatology visit! She is currently obsessed with me having a high flying career which is really not me and her told her that. She also lies to friends and family and exaggerates what I do at work.

Any ideas on how to cope with this?!

So not they're not there for you emotionally. Their approval of you or their worth to you is conditional on how well you present to others. That's pretty stark. They won't change. Personally, I would move very far away...

Hi, I'm sorry to say my problems with my Mother started like yours and now we aren't speaking and she hasn't been there for me or my child's for the first few months of life. I am a FTM and she has shown me absolutely no support at all. She has a hardly seen her grandson and acts like the victim. I was always there to support her but she never returned the favour. Growing up I have not memories of her ever telling me she loved me and can't remember a time she gave me a heartfelt hug. She was very hard and wouldn't show any feeling unless it was about herself and even when she did show emotion she would pretend it was about me but really crying for herself. She has a habit of malign everything about her self, for instance the birth of child was about her. My baby being ill was about her anxiety. I'm so sorry you're going through this and hope your parents turn out better then my mother did.
Differently from your Mum though my mother mother enjoys and thjnks nothing of telling people all the failings her daughter has had and doesn't keep secrets. I could never tell her anything without the extended family i never hardly saw (basically strangers) finding out my business and inner most thoughts. I wish she would have 'bigged' me up from time to time but not because I wanted her to lie but because it would have beat her constantly putting me down to everybody all of the time. It has had a massive effect on my confidence over the years and at present I don't know whether we'll ever speak again.

making+

my child +

Oh and I agree with pp don't live too close...

Hi Bella, I’m sorry to hear that. She sounds toxic.

My mother does hug - although she noticeably avoids kissing me in case she gets a spot or something?! She always tells me she loves me.

She recently took me on a “girls holiday” to “reconnect.” It was okay only she kept talking the entire holiday about trivial crap. Again, she HAD to book a five star hotel and business class - it’s all about appearances with her!

She used to be obsessed with me getting married and having a baby. After my long term relationship breakdown, she became obsessed with me having a career! She said things like “there is nothing wrong with never marrying and having children” when I’ve always made it clear that’s what I want! Now I have a new boyfriend so she is doing the career thing and also telling me not to leave it too late to have a baby...

Oh and her obsession with my weight. I’ve not lost any weight (I’m not overweight) but every time she sees me she proclaims I’ve lost so much weight. Every time.

Oh I'm can relate to the weight thing as my mother used to do that to me 'you look slimmer have you been dieting?' I wasn't aware I needed to lose any weight but my mother likes to keep commenting. It was at its worst when I was heavily pregnant she she commented 'well you haven't put any weight on just on your thighs.' Likes your Mum mine used to point point out any spots but unlike yours she would think she was a dermatologist and insist I remove all my makeup (I didn't have much on) so she could treat my face with these products that were really expensive. She did this in front of my boyfriend and I was made to feel ugly. She would go on to tell me how everybody always compliments her skin. I hope you know you're not alone... I get so jealous of mother daughters who are like best friends as me and mine are polar opposites!

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point x 1*

Oh and you have a baby when you're good and ready and only if that's what you want. It sounds like your mum is very much about keeping up appearances to the detriment of your feelings. x