How to handle bonkers mother...or is it me???

[AsMuchUseAsAMarzipanDildo]

Hi,

Randomly asking you lovely lot for advice because I’m at a loss how to handle this anymore - particularly as I’m in the process of recovering from PND and not feeling as if I have the mental reserves to figure it out.

The issue is my mum. My siblings and I had a very emotionally abusive childhood. She would smack us over the head (hard enough to get ear infections), literally mash food all over our faces if we didn’t eat everything, had affairs but told us not to tell our Dad, repeatedly tell my Dad we’d done something naughty when he was out (literally making stuff up) and encourage him to discipline us. They finally divorced when I was 11. Younger sister and I lived with her. Elder with my Dad. She then had a number of relationships with hideous men (meet them in a nightclub on Saturday, move them in on Monday and tell us they were our “new” Dad). My actual Dad remarried and while he’s not a bad person, just disengaged from us completely and moved on with his life. I see him as a more like a “friendly uncle” type figure.

In my teen years, many of these men were physically and sexually abusive. My mum made out like it was my fault - she’d take me out to buy a bra or to the GP to put me on the pill for heavy periods - then get them out in front of Aunts, work colleagues etc and be all like “Poor me, look what I’m dealing with, my children are sluts”. My younger sister went off the rails with it all. I was daft and tried to please her, in the process ending up isolated from anyone my own age and with a pretty bonkers idea what was normal. I stopped eating and washing. I think I just didn’t want to be attractive, I wanted to be invisible. I was referred to Camhs by the school nurse. My mum explicitly told me that I was allowed to talk about the bullying at school, not about anything at home. From then on, any time I argued with her, her trump card was always “Marzipan, I think you need to see your counsellor again, you’ve obviously got mental problems”

When I was 19 I went to uni. Realised how fucked up my life had been and took an overdose. My mum sat next to me in hospital and said “Honestly, I think I’m going to need some counselling myself to get over what you’ve done”. She then moved abroad...without even telling me, I found out two weeks before from her husband’s work colleague. When I confronted her she said “I didn’t want to upset you what with your mental problems”.

In the end, it was the best thing for me. I had years of counselling, CBT, mindfulness. I made friends, met my husband, went back to uni, got a degree, do a job I love.

Then when I was pregnant, my elder sister told me my mum had breast cancer. I decided to write to her and tell her my news, but also tried to explain that I needed space and time and her to respect my boundaries. She wrote back, was thrilled, happy days. Miraculously, the “cancer” was a cyst and without any histology etc they managed to tell her this on the same day as her op!

Only now she won’t leave me alone. She’s done some pretty out of order shit (to cut this rambling essay short), so when I asked for some space she has since repeatedly phoned me. When I reiterated that I needed space, she continued to ignore me and has today sent me a letter saying she’s “sorry for whatever I am supposed to have done”. I just feel like she’s gaslighting me again.

I’m not really expecting anyone to reply to be honest. I guess writing this down, I needed permission to end all contact with her. I feel bad because I know she’ll be gutted not to see my baby anymore, but I just can’t trust her not to do something batshit and I can’t trust myself not to allow her to press my buttons.

You have been through so much. Well done on getting through it, you must be an amazing person.
I would change all my contact details. Then send a letter, very short saying you feel its best for you not to have any contact now and won’t reply any futher. It’s okay to grieve for the mum you wished you had, but honestly you’ll just feel relieved when you know you’re free.

What Runrabbit says!
She’s already shown her form and it’s not changed. Cut her off, she is too toxic

Your mother sounds a lot like mine. I am so sorry.

Going NC was the best thing I've done. Of course my parents both refused to respect my decision and bombarded me with phone calls after I'd explicitly told them not to call; and when they phoned I'd try to explain to them that I didn't want to speak to them, and so on, and they'd get another hour of my attention. It was awful.

If I could do it again I'd tell them just once that I didn't want to hear from them, and then I'd not answer their calls, and ignore their emails. I wouldn't keep on trying to explain why I'd made this decision. I'd give them as little time as I could.

If I were you I'd tell that woman I didn't want to hear from her again and then stop answering her attempts at contact; or I would just stop responding to her, and let her work it out for herself.

You can do this.

Of course you must go NC with this abusive nasty controlling woman.

And I object to you use of the word "bonkers" for this behaviour.

"bonkers" is an apt description for my MiL who phoned in early November because she is making up the beds for our Christmas visit and wants to know whether we are going to want the 10 tog duvet or the 15 tog. Or my own mum who has an extensive list of what each of her children and grandchildren are "allergic to" (generally the last thing they ate before getting a random childhood bug) which bears no resemblance to actual allergens and which the people in question are fine eating but which she feels she has to avoid when cooking for the whole tribe "just in case". bonkers refers to crazy behaviour which is harmless and lovable.

Your own mum isn't bonkers. She's horrible.

I agree with going no contact.

What do your mother and sister say about this?

Does your husband know all about your history with her? Is there anything he can do to support you and block her?

Does your sister still have regular contact with you both? She needs to respect to don’t want to talk about your mother and she can’t be a flying monkey.

My dh has toxic parents but they sound like parents of the year compared to your evil narcissistic sociopathic Mother! I can advise what I did to cut contact.
Firstly, I called them and told them that I was cutting contact between them, myself and our DC. I then explained why. I told them that I would be blocking them on the phone and that if they turned up at my door and tried to harass me that I would call the police. I told them that they were free to contact their son via email or on his mobile. It was not a pleasant phone call , but when they started screaming down the phone I calmly hung up. I then contacted BT and blocked their number on my landline

Then the flying monkeys swarmed in, calling me and screaming vitriol and abuse down my landline, so I blocked every number that was abuses. The one thing I regret was not preempting the flying monkeys and deleting them from Facebook before I called my outlaws (OK in-laws). The evil abuse that they smeared about me and my dh over Facebook was disgusting and had a lasting impact on my dh. (To this day we no longer post photos or updates on social media and have restricted profiles). So take my experiento as a warning and make sure your mother and any of her flying monkeys are blocked on all social media accounts before you tell her you are going no contact.

If you find it too distressing to call her, then I suggest writing a letter, make a copy of it and send it recorded delivery so she can't say she didn't receive it. That way you have a paper trail to refer to if you need to contact the police.

Warn your sister, it is very likely that your Mother will attempt to use your sister as a flying monkey. Perhaps your sister will use the opportunity to go no contact herself. If she does turn flying monkey (which it doesn't sound like she will) you may need to distance yourself from your sister for a while, or tell her 'I love you but if you insist on being Mums flying monkey I will have to go nc'.

Get your dh involved, it may mean he goes through your mail/ email for a while to filter out any vitriol or guilt inducing letters that your mother will send. Keep them though in case she ups her harassment and you need to get the police involved! If she turns up at your door screaming then do call the police. My outlaws never have and its been six glorious years now!

I just want to say, you are not to blame, you are about to be gaslighted to whole new extremes and to the point where you might start to believe her vitriol! Don't listen, when she starts with her abuse disengage! This woman stood by and allowed peadophiles to sexually abuse you and your sister! Then she blamed you for it! She is evil and every bit the monster that the beasts who sexually abused you were! She may as well have held you down for them! Look at your precious, beautiful baby! You would lay your life down for them wouldn't you! That is how much a Mother loves her child! You need to protect your baby and the little girl inside you from the wolf masquerading as a Mother! You are absolutely right to protect yourself and protect your child from her.

I do advise counselling, my dh decided to go fully no contact a couple of months after we did. He really struggled and I ended up phoning his g.p as he was suicidal. The poison that his family and flying monkeys were inflicting him with was tearing him apart. Counselling was essential in helping my dh to cope with the situation and stop blaming himself!

She’s not ‘bonkers’

She’s calculating and cruel

You are not alone (unfortunately) read the Stately Home threads to reassure you of that.

The “cancer” message was her using your eldest sister as a “flying monkey”.

Concentrate on being the best parent you can to your little one.

I could have written this post myself. Your mother sounds very like mine (even down to the apology letters saying sorry for whatever she was supposed to have done and of).
I’ve now managed to go no contact with her and life is measurably better without her toxicity in it. I went the whole hog - one email she had her partner send me tipped me over the edge so I responded saying everything I’d wanted to say for years and informing them both I was deleting the email account in its entirety and changing my home number. I then immediately did both of those things.

If I received anything from her through the post I would return it as not at this address, she started to disguise her handwriting and posting from other counties so the post mark differed so a few things got through the net - I very quickly ignored anything handwritten I didn’t recognise and ask partner to open them.

It was a long process but a milestone was this birthday she didn’t send a card (normally cards for public display were very gushy with a letter inside berating me and not really apologising for her actions in equal measure). Remember you are worth more than this, her actions are her own and you aren’t responsible for her, you don’t have to please her - I’d suggest she’s so toxic having her approval doesn’t actually mean anything as her perspective is so skewed.

I hope you manage to put distance between you and move on with your own family, making happy memories.

It’s not you, it was never you.

Keep your beautiful new baby away from this absolute lunatic.

Thanks for all your support and while it’s reassuring to hear I’m not alone, it’s also really sad to hear that others had equally horrific experiences.

I bit the bullet, sent messages to siblings to say I was going NC and asked that they respect my decision. Then sent mother a message saying I’d received her letter and no longer wanted any sort of contact with her.

Joysmum yes my DH knows enough to understand. Also, recent events he saw her texts etc so when her letter arrived and I started thinking “maybe it is me, maybe I remembered this wrong”, he was like “hang on, I saw her messages too, this letter is rewriting history”.

Caledonian thanks, you helped me also realise I need to deal with the flying monkeys. Thankfully younger sister understands. But elder siblings always wanting to push us to reconcile - but they were the ones who lived with my Dad. They didn’t endure a tenth of her shit.

fannythrobbing YY to the bit about birthday cards. When I was NC with her previously, I hated that every birthday and Christmas was marred by this fucking elephant in the room of the card (also containing her bullshit letters) with her handwriting on. They’d always be on the lines of “You night have given up on me, but I will never give up on you”. I mentioned it to my HV a while back and interestingly she said “Imagine it was an ex boyfriend sending you unwanted cards etc. You’d call it stalking”.

And above all..yes, my baby is bloody lush, so happy, so carefree, so much better without her in our lives.

With letters, hand them to your DH unopened. He reads. He tells you if there is anything worth knowing. Then he puts it in the bin. You don't need to look at it.

It's better if you bin it yourself without opening of course.

Just bin the letters. That what No Contact means - you don't want to hear anything from her.

If your older siblings call or visit and start talking about your Mum, put the phone down or ask them to leave (or tell them stop, or you will put the phone down/ ask them to leave). They will soon get the message! If they don't, then I would consider seriously whether it is worth having them in your lives! Life is too short to have relationships with people who refuse to respect you! Do they know what you went through? Is it worth telling them if they don't?

If they do know and continue to defend your Mum then once again consider cutting contact with them too!

Well done

fab mum that you are!!

Be strong. It's your life, you draw the lines xx

Oh OP your life will be better without your mum in it.

Congrats on the pregnancy, hope you find the clarity and happiness you deserve.