Extreme sadness since first counselling session

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So I had my first counselling session this week and I am feeling really low afterwards. My marriage is coming to an end due to emotional and sporadic physical abuse and I wanted to go to clear my head with counselling.

As well as all that my ex had been in contact with me and we had been texting for a number of months. No declarations had been made although regrets were expressed on his part and the flirty messages did cross the line. Anyway last Fri night we were in close proximity (usually live quite a distance away) and he wanted me to come to him and I refused. I had made it perfectly clear previously there would be no meeting up while I am married and he is in a relationship. Silence since then. I know I am going the right thing going no contact but I am missing the contact so much.

So now I don't know what my sadness is about and I am furious with myself over everything.

Over a failed marriage and also for being vulnerable and falling for ego boosting messages from an ex who I've never lost feelings for.

Oh love. You're in a very vulnerable state at the mo.

Give yourself a break, take care of yourself, go steady and be kind to yourself as you work your way through this difficult time.

Your ex sounds like a player - perhaps he sensed your vulnerability? Whatever way trying to get a shag on the side from you when he's in a relationship is a bit yuk to say the least.

You're well shot of these two horrible men.

Take care

Counselling really takes it out of you, I used to crawl into bed for the rest of the day at one stage. And that was without having a divorce to manage.

Don't be angry with yourself, it is utterly unjustified. Give yourself some mothering, be kind and accepting of yourself.

Yep, counselling really puts you through the wringer, but that can be a sign that it's working. Now, looking back, I see that as a time when I was considering some of the really important things in life and making some huge changes to my way of thinking that have left me a different person. Hopefully you will get something out of this, too.

You've been strong and resisted temptation - why not pat yourself on the back for that, rather than being angry with yourself for being tempted? Of course you're vulnerable; you're human. We've all been there!

"Failed marriage", I hate that expression. My relationship was "successful" for 20 years and "a failure" for a year and a half of his affair. On average, a resounding success. Stop beating yourself up.

@springydaffs - thanks for replying. Yes I'm feeling very vulnerable and furious at myself for further complicating matters with the involvement of my ex, although he contacted me first. But looking back the night I bumped into him (unexpectedly) I flirted wildly with him so I'd say I messed up with his head too. I know from other people that he has had people saying to him though the years that he really messed up not holding on to me. So I am raging that I gave off them signals to him. I never lost any feelings for him so it was very hard for me to resist flirting but I feel like I have just bulldozed into his life too.

@MrsBertBibby - thank you. My good friend did tell me to have counselling in the morning time as it would take a lot out of me. I just didn't realise how much it would take from me, and the sadness I'd feel. Am trying to be kind to myself but I just feel rage against myself at the moment.

@ravenmum - I definitely connected with the counsellor and she was really good so have at least 2 more sessions lined up with her.

I suppose I just feel angry because in my heart of hearts I thought about that ex a lot over the years and thought that one day we might be together in the future, but it's all messed up now, the timing was so wrong. I am so glad I did resist temptation though because if I feel bad today I can only imagine how bad I would have felt if I had taken the taxi to his place.

I really do know how you feel about a 'failed marriage'
But that really isn't it and it really isn't your fault or your guilt to bear.
You've done so well to get away and get yourself counselling.
And with counselling, things do get worse before they get better.
You are digging deep and starting to understand yourself and at first it feels crap.
But you will emerge much stronger.
And yes, you did do the right thing with the Ex.
You are in no place right now to see another man.
Find yourself and then take it from there.
It will take time though so be kind to yourself.

Woken up today feeling slightly stronger in myself. It is becoming more and more apparent there is no going back for myself and OH.

Not sure what to do about the ex. He is part of my extended family so I will see him at family occasions, maybe once or twice a year. There has been no communication since last weekend, there was no falling out either. He is very much honest with a few drinks and sweep everything under the carpet when sober. I feel like I should just send a general message (not mentioning the other night as he won't) just to break the ice and then let the communication naturally die down. Otherwise it is going to be so awkward at any future events. The chemistry has not gone unnoticed by lots of people at these events and any awkwardness would be picked up on straight away.

I am strong in myself in that last weekend was the end of this communication but want to protect myself against any ambiguity or awkwardness in the future. Has anyone any advice?

Counselling is exhausting. My first few sessions I came out feeling like I’d been run over.

No more messages to him. If he’d have been able to be sorted out by a message you’d not be in counselling, would you?

Right now you’re in a vulnerable, transitional stage. Keep Nc and work on your boundaries

@hellsbellsmelons - thank you. Yes am definitely feeling crap and teary especially as ex is part of the extended family and I will see him.

One thing that counselling has thrown up is that I am in no way ready to even look at another man. I am now 40 and since I was 17 I have only been on my own for 8 months. That's crazy when you think about it. I need a good long break to be on my own and to get comfortable with myself and value my own worth.

@Zaurak - thanks for the reply. It really is exhausting. The counsellor did say I am further ahead than I think I am so that was good.

I started counselling because of the state of my marriage, not about my ex but I take your point about nc. I just feel like everything has come to such an abrupt end and the thoughts of seeing him at any occasions without any closure or natural tapering off of communication fills me with dread.

God yes be single!!! That’s so important. Sounds so wanky doesnt it, the ‘finding yourself’ stuff, but it is really vital you’re happy alone. Only then can you really make an informed choice whether to enter another relationship or not.

Closure is a nice idea, but often the world doesn’t work like that. You have to reach a state where you yourself are at peace with it, rather than hoping for the ex to react a certain way to give you closure.

It’s a tough process. Be kind to yourself

@Zaurak - lol it does sound wanky, that made me laugh. But I absolutely do need to be on my own.

With regards ex - it's not really closure I am looking for. The turning point/end point was last weekend. Of that I am sure of. It is more future proofing myself for future meetings and smoothing the waters as I've no doubt his ego is bruised. I just hate drama and feel by letting things peter out naturally it is best for everyone.

I think you are being incredibly strong OP.
I agree no contact . Potentially when there is next an event coming up and you know he will be there, a simple text then to clear the air. But now isn’t the right time. You have been very clear to him and he to be fair is respecting that. You are still married. He is still in a relationship. Therefore NC is best until those two facts are no longer true (I suspect he can’t trust himself not to flirt with you hence no contact).
There are people who have done a lot worse than you during a break up (waves hello), be kind to yourself. You flirted wildly and you have now given clear boundaries to repair that situation. Well done!
Counselling is tough tough tough. Feeling sad means you are going through the healing process. Congratulations.
You are doing everything right . Except maybe being kinder to yourself!

@Bosabosa - thanks. I don't feel very strong at all. I think I will just have to face him at the next event then. I definitely wouldn't be sending a message beforehand as I wouldn't want to open old wounds.

You are right about him respecting my decision. The connection is way to intense to avoid flirting. I just feel now like I am grieving the end of 2 relationships and also grieving what might have been if I'd met him a year down the track as I always thought we would end up together.

Feeling a bit better today. Next counselling session is nearly a week away but maybe that is good to give myself some time and space to really think about things.

NC continues. It is tough as ex was filling a really empty void and in my mind I had thought we would end up together eventually (thought this through the years when things started to get rough in my marriage).

OH is on his best behaviour but still hasn't sought any anger management and hasn't even asked or remembered that I had my first counselling session this week.

Thankfully I am busy this weekend and virtually every weekend up until Christmas so hopefully that will remove the temptation to text.

You'll have better days and worse days.
Keeping busy is the best thing to do.
And honestly, being single is quite a revelation.
It's exciting to discover who YOU are.
Just as you and not as you + someone else.
Enjoy your weekend.

Thanks @hellsbellsmelons - I'll definitely be keeping busy. Some things are becoming clearer already and I'm just going to jot them down so when I'm having a wobble I can come back here:

My husband & my marriage:

• I deserve to be with someone who respects me
• I deserve to be with someone who doesn't call me names
• I deserve to be with someone who isn't aggressive or sporadically violent
• My kids deserve to be in a secure home without chaos
• My kids don't deserve to be called names (I don't tolerate it but it happens)
• My kids don't deserve to witness argument after argument
• I deserve to be happy
• My kids deserve to have a happy mother

My ex:

• I don't deserve to be a secret
• I don't deserve to be a FWB
• I don't deserve to be last in a long line of priorities
• I deserve to have someone who is interested in my thoughts, humour and personality as well as how I look

Me:

• I am strong, very strong
• I am not a cheat
• I am vulnerable but will not be taken advantage of again
• I can be single
• I can be a single mother
• I can do this on my own
• I am better on my own than with an abusive husband
• I have a moral code and I will stick to it
• I want to be a good role model for my kids

The start of counselling can be really, really tough. Look after yourself. Eat whatever you like. Do whatever you like (within reason). Don't worry about duty, and normal life. Just get through it. It gets better, much much better, but right now you just need care .

@whiskyowl - thanks. I had underestimated how emotionally draining it would be. Hard to see how I'll ever feel half right but I do think counselling is the right thing for me and it will help me move forward.

Good list!

@ravenmum - thanks. I think I'm going to need to refer to it a lot over the next coming months.

@Sadlady77 - My counsellor got me to do this horrible exercise, right at the start of my sessions, where I had to remember back and write down some of the abuse I'd suffered when I was little.

She told me the same thing: it would be awful, I'd feel terrible, I would need to look after myself. It was difficult and upsetting, and it felt like I was getting worse and not better, BUT it was the foundation for a lot of healing. And I did look after myself. I bought myself some fluffy slippers and PJs, ate whatever the hell I liked, and took a few days off work just for me. And now, a year on, and after many more sessions, none of which have been anything like as bad as that start, I feel ever so much better. Hopefully the same will be true for you. We are all cheering you on!!

@whiskyowl - sounds like a very tough journey for you. I'm glad you are finally coming out the other side.

And thanks for the cheers. Think I'll be needing a lot more of them from here on in

Oh, I started to feel better within about 4-5 months of starting weekly sessions. It wasn't a big KERPOW moment, it was more like a gradual thawing. I'm very much better now. I was lucky to find an excellent counsellor first shot. Hopefully the same will be true of you.