Please cheer me up and tell me things will get better

[Lexia123]

Please be gentle, I'm very fragile at the moment;

My sister had a baby last week. She's been married to a complete arse for the last five years, and chosen to emotionally cut herself off from the family, despite living a stone's throw away.

I've suffered multiple disappointments over the last year or so, not least finding out that it'll probably be quite difficult for me to conceive in the future. I split up with somebody a while back and have done endless dating but just not connected with anybody so that makes me feel like more of a failure. It seems like every single thing that I've feared has actually come true, particularly heightened by the fact my sister's had a baby girl. I feel so irrational despairing, like it will just never happen for me. I'm two years older, have nothing, and she literally has everything.

But the worst part is is how I feel about me, and I have no idea how to fix that. I have a professional job so there's no expressing how I feel at work, at home I have to be pleasant, never say how I feel etc and I just repress how I feel, never cry etc. But it just eats away at you. I have no way to get these feelings out so I turn on myself.

My mum is next to useless, and though I love her very much, through therapy etc I've realised that whilst she's always been physically present, she's just not there emotionally for any of her three daughters. And now having a granddaughter, I know that she has had cuddles and told friends how lovely the baby is. And even though I know that's great, and the right thing to do, I really struggle knowing that she can be there for the baby and not for anybody else. When I've tried to articulate how I feel in the past she just sits there and says nothing. It only makes me feel worse. It's like she's ok when I'm happy and chatty but if I get upset she can't deal with it so she ignores it until I'm 'back to normal' etc, not to mention offering useless advice.

I don't really know what I can do to help me. I've spent another day at work (teacher of 5 year olds) trying to push away my feelings of unhappiness and trying to adjust to all my worst fears. I don't know how to make it better. My sister has treated us all quite coldly by requesting no visitors etc and being very aloof, but a week on seems to want my mum to come and visit her and help her out with the baby. And instead of being ok with it I'm just irrationally angry! She's never there when you need her, but she's somehow able to pull it together for the new baby etc.

I know it all sounds a bit silly, but I am honestly feeling like things will never get better for me and I'm just so angry with all of them. I feel like I've been raised by emotional fuckwits who didn't give me enough confidence and self-esteem so that I can handle all the shit that life throws at you very well, and now I'm in my early thirties feeling like I'm losing my grip on myself. The irony is that I'm teaching small children the skills of emotional resilience but lacking any myself :-/

Help :-(

We're just sending this over to relationships at the OP's request.

Hey Lex. I'm sorry you are feeling so low.

I went through some very difficult things about 7 years ago. I was isolated from family and friends (living abroad)

I put myself into therapy for a while. It really helped me through that bad patch and I also worked out that sometimes you never get the answers from people. That you can't look for that validation from them.

So therapy helped, making a few changes like doing more exercise and investing more in me really helped.

And as a single mother I would say to you that longer term if having children is really what you want then you don't necessarily need a partner to do that.

It does get better but you will need to take some proactive steps to helping you get there. Xx

It sounds as though you are living at home? In my experience, living with someone unsupportive is more lonely than being alone. Can you move out?

The other thing that helped me is recognising that some people (your mum) aren’t capable of deep adult relationships. They can 'do' babies, because babies aren’t challenging. Demanding, yes but not challenging. Real life people who have their own opinions needs and wants can be too much.
If you can change your expectations, you won’t be so disappointed in her. You have to take on responsibility for your own emotional well-being- that isn’t a criticism of you. Most people expect to be supported by others. When you have no one and you do it yourself it is actually very free8ng and you become better at relationships and happier, IMO.

Oh this sounds so hard. Teaching young kids is an exhausting job at the best of times and must be even harder with all this to deal with.

I would suggest therapy too. Does your employer offer an employee assistance programme? Or can you visit the GP and get referred for counselling? There are obviously lots of complicated issues here that are probably best explored with someone who can really give you full attention and professional advice.

My mum was always a bit detached and I have some regrets about that, but I'm very lucky that my sisters and I are close. I know it must be even harder if you don't have that to lean on.

Do you have anyone else you can talk to about these things?

p.s. meant to say that yes, things CAN get better. Though I think picklemepopcorn is right that you'll need to change your expectations and basically take care of yourself emotionally in order for that to happen ... it's sad you have to do it, but you can absolutely do it and come out stronger and more capable.

Who do you live with, OP? You mention how you have to act when you're at home, but if seems you don't live with a partner so I'm wondering who you have to keep up these pretences around.

Things can absolutely get better, but you're going to have to be the one to make it happen! A few things that jumped into my thoughts from your post: are you desperately wanting kids in the future? If so it might help you take the heat off yourself and remove some of the urgency of dating if you start to look into how you might do this alone if you'd be happy with that. I had a relationship end in my late twenties I'd been banking on having kids in, and it helped me greatly to take some control back even just looking into how I would go about having a child via sperm donation or adoption alone, looking at costs and starting to save money. It made me realise I had control over making this happen if I really wanted to and meant I could date much more freely and happily instead of panicking and thinking I needed to find something serious quickly.

Also I would recommend you get some therapy, maybe through work. Cbt for low self esteem could be useful (you can get started on this by googling 'cci low self esteem modules' and find some really good self help evidence based support you can start looking at to see if you can imagine it helping you. If cbt for self esteem isn't right then maybe counselling to help you accept the family you've been given and move forwards down your own path instead of being so focused on your relatives.

A friend of mine made a really good point a few years back I've never forgotten. We were talking about the impart our screwed up families have had on us (my family is a disaster zone... parent dying of addiction, multiple divorces, mental health issues, criminal behaviour and prison, estrangement, poverty you name it!). And she said to me she thought that the point of a family is almost like an assault course. You have to learn to run it in your childhood and it teaches you loads of valuable skills like how to cope with unreasonable people or manage your own painful emotions or how to protect yourself or deal with challenging behaviours. It may be painful to experience but you can learn a lot that will help you in relating to others in the rest of your life.

At the end of the day you can't control how your mum and sister behave, only what you choose to do with their actions and how you yourself behave. It can feel like being in quicksand being part of a family that doesn't bring you anything but pain and stress, and many many people who've dealt with similar have had to find a way to handle it and live and focus on their own life. You can too. You're clearly smart to have such a great job, you're able to reach out for help, you're introspective about your own thoughts and emotions. You have all of the skills you need to make this situation better, there's no shame in having some help with that if you can't do it alone.

If you can't get therapy via work you can approach your local IAPT for an assessment, just give them a ring. And make sure you discuss what type of therapy might help instead of just being given cbt or counselling, have a conversation about what you want from therapy and see what's suggested. Good luck 🤗

Hi op. Time to take charge of your destiny and leave your mum and sister's to theirs. We all get things at different ages and comparing yourself to others makes no difference to your situation. You also never know what shit other people are going through so whilst you may be coveting something of theirs, they may be coveting what you have.

Look at solutions to your problems. Don't find your home environment soothing etc? Move out. Don't get emotional support from your family? Cultivate your friends. Open up to them. Want a boyfriend? Get back out dating or join clubs that will give you a chance to meet someone you'll have something in common with.

I've never had all aspects of my life perfect. Have had a great job and friends but a relationship that isn't going anywhere. Have a great relationship and kids but poor. Have a nice lifestyle and kids but abusive relationship etc. Very few people have it all, all of the time.

and she literally has everything
Including being married to a complete arse for the last five years
Do you want that?
Really?
This must be very hard for you and I'm so sorry.
I can only offer (((((HUGS))))) and

Thank you all for taking the trouble to reply. Reading these have made me feel a little better.

I have been seeing a counsellor for about three years- she's very good and it helps but sometimes even though I understand it better it doesn't make it go away.

I do live alone but don't really feel very settled there, so I guess I do spend a lot of time with my family. They lean on me and I seem to be the resident family therapist sorting out their worries but it's not really reciprocated. That and being there for children at work is all quite exhausting- there's not a whole lot left of my energy for me.

But I actually feel empowered to try and take control- especially about the dating/baby thing. I never thought about the baby not demanding anything from my mum, that would make sense why she's so willing to be present for her rather than her now-adult children.

It can get better! I've had some low times, but once I accepted that I could not change other people, only how I dealt with them, then it got easier.

Your sister's married to an arse and now she's had a baby with him. That means for the rest of her life she's stuck with an arse, one way or another. You don't have that. You are free!

It's tempting to spend too much time with your family when you live on your own, but really your family aren't that good for you. Really you should be building up friendships that are good for you and making your home somewhere you're happy to be. What are your interests? Forget babies for a while - what do you enjoy doing? Do you need to make new friends? Have a new hobby? Get some exercise?

I'm coming to that realisation I think. I do have some good friends in the city, but we don't seem to go out as much even though we're all single! I've lost quite a few friends to the baby club as it's just so hard trying to organise meeting up.

I do have hobbies and love to exercise- I do adult gymnastics a few times a week and have just got back into dancing which I took a little break from - it used to take up a lot of time.

I'm actually going to go away for xmas by myself to somewhere I've always wanted to go- a teeny bit scared and family are trying to persuade me not to, but I think it will do wonders for the soul ;-) now just need to be brave and do it

Good plan! I’m glad you have interests- focus on all the good stuff and accept the crap for what it is. Good stuff will come!

Thanks :-) I hope you are right!