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Relationships

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Original poster

Sex after baby...I miss intimacy

12 replies

Leslieknope123 · 15/11/2017 18:07

I'll try and keep this short! Me and my husband have been together 5 years and we had our first baby 4-5 months ago. I was very sick during my pregnancy ( dehydration etc. Etc.) So we had very little sex and I am terrified of starting sex again (a few stitches at the birth ).

We had lots of sex before the pregnancy, and now I feel like I'm pushing him away... I feel so unattractive since putting on post pregnancy weight , no libido and the crippling tiredness you get from the first few months after birth has gone to just tired. We were doing oral/foreplay after 2 months but I've totally gone off everything. I just jolt away when he comes onto me.

My DH has not pushed it at all but also doesn't get why I pull away when he tries to snog me whilst I'm breastfeeding! Im worried if I put it off for more months that we'll lose our intimacy or he'll go off me...
Intimacy is really important to me, and for me to feel close to him.

I've talked to him about my worries but I guess I need a rant and advice about easing into it all again . I want to have sex but am just not feeling turned on or unto it at all.... any advice? Xxxxx

OP posts:

mindutopia · 15/11/2017 18:34

I think just give it time and also don't overthink it or force it. My dh and I didn't even try, like not even making out, for 7 months. We also didn't have any sex at all during pregnancy (I tend to bleed a lot in pregnancy, so just not something either of us are keen on as it can be really stressful). Then it was just the right time and it was great. It was still a bit different for probably the first 2 years or so postnatally. Like we did it, but it was more out of habit than because we both really enjoyed it. We were still bedsharing and exhausted and overwhelmed with a baby and then a toddler and full-time careers, so sex was sort of last on the list. But it does come back. Our dd is about to turn 5 now and I'm pregnant again, but our sex life was great before this pregnancy and I know it will be again. Having a baby is a massive shock, physically and emotionally, and it's completely normal to feel touched out and exhausted and not interested for quite awhile. I think the key really is not stressing about it and giving it time and also, when you're ready, starting to make time for each other again. Plan date nights (even at home, we didn't really have anyone who could help us with childcare the first few years) and eventually make time for a night away or a weekend away, etc. It's still early days now and your baby is still so little, but that will be possible one day. I think the main thing is just being patient and understanding that it will get easier.

mindutopia · 15/11/2017 18:36

Also, I think at least initially, as long as you aren't in pain or completely exhausted, it helps a bit to 'fake it til you make it.' Give it a try even if you aren't totally in the mood. You might surprise yourself that actually you enjoy it more than you think, even if you weren't interested at all to start.

CaptainsCat · 15/11/2017 18:37

I reckon breastfeeding is the biggest libido killer of all time - until I got my periods back at 15 months I just wasn't interested, but it got much better after that!

LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle · 15/11/2017 19:00

Me and DP have (and had) an amazing sex life.

But I had severe HG through PG, then BFing for 3.5 years....I was not up for sex much.

Until DS was about 18 months and had dropped some feeds/stopped being so demanding on my physicality, me and DP didn't go any further than a peck on the lips/a quick cuddle. I was far, far too "touched out", and BFing totally screws your hormones....it basically programs your body to reject sex.

It took until DS was reliably going down for a good few hour stretch at night before I could totally mentally relax and not worry about him interrupting us, or wanting me whilst I was in "sexy" mode.

I also (surprisingly for me!) found in the first year or so I felt too "mumsy" to feel sexy.....it was like I couldn't subconciously seperate me as BFing mum, and me as a sexual woman. It felt "weird" feeling sexy, like I was doing something wrong! (I am waaayyyy over that now btw! )

DS is now 5.....and after slowly getting back on track, with no pressure or stress from either side (this is important IMO), me and DP have an even better sex life than we did pre DS!

We somehow found each other much more attractive after the hell of early years, still not sure why or how though!

What I'm saying is.....
Don't panic.
Don't force it.
Accept that it might not feel right for a while.
Take it slow when you do get back into it.
Give it time.

LanaKanesLeftNippleTassle · 15/11/2017 19:03

And please don't "fake it till you make it".

There is nothing more of a turn off than forcing yourself to have sex when you know you aren't up for it.

You need to wait until you feel you might like to exlplore that side of you again.

You need to want to feel it....not force it and sort of just hope you might.

ShirellesFan · 15/11/2017 19:09

breastfeeding or pregnancy didn't affect my libido at all. quite the contrary. but everyone's different.

Munchyseeds · 15/11/2017 19:34

I still remember telling my DH that he could be a "chipendale' and I still wouldn't have been interested in sex! I fed both my kids for a year and had no libido at all
Give it time and I promise it will come back!!

Jamiek80 · 15/11/2017 19:55

My wife and I have only had sex twice since our eldest was born she's 6 now. You can find intimacy without sex, cuddling, kissing, massages and even just taking time to talk all create intimacy. Kissing during breastfeeding is a definite no no.

TammySwansonTwo · 15/11/2017 20:09

Took me til 13 months to get my drive back, and I'm sure that's only because I stopped pumping at 7 months - took a good five cycles for my hormones to sort themselves out. We didn't have any sex in that time because I didn't want to be touched at all - I was exhausted, stressed, scared, running round after baby twins who were completely reliant on me, fat, barely had time to shower or even wee (think I was oermaently holding in a wee for the first year!).

It takes time - don't rush it!

billyfivebellies · 15/11/2017 22:11

After our first we had an 18 month gap then another 9 months after that. I guess we got somewhere back to normal after about 3 / 4 years.

Afternooncatnap · 15/11/2017 22:18

Wow, I've been stressing that we've only been doing it once every couple of weeks. I have a 10 month old.

I did feel like I had lost all interest in sex and my partner for a while. But then gradually it just came back. Now the only problem is getting the oppertunity to do it.

SonicBoomBoom · 15/11/2017 22:20

Give it time.

I wasn't interested in sex for about 6-7 months. I thought I'd never be interested again. Probably a combination of breastfeeding, tiredness, not wanting my boobs touched and worried my stitches/scar would hurt or feel weird.

About 7-8 months I got a bit interested and it grew from there.

By 10 months I'd stopped breastfeeding and we were back to normal. Actually, it's been even better than before as I'm no longer as hung up about my body as I was pre-pregnancy and so the sex is even more enjoyable.

Give it time, it really is still early days.

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