My dh has no respect for my job

[poooooooop]

I started training in a career at 21, six months before I met dh. We were together for 6yrs before we had ds, and I’d advanced in my career and qualified at mid level.

Since having dc (over 8yrs - four year age gap) I haven’t been able to progress and started freelancing in order to keep my foot in.

I’m now at the position to commit to more work and progress (both dc in school) through experience and qualifications.

The issue is, is that dh thinks my job isn’t a real job as it doesn’t pay much and he doesn’t see the point in trying to progress. He thinks I should progress down a different but related route which will bring in more money.

I really enjoy my job and I know lots of people (through work) were both parents so this job and manage financially.

I think dh thinks as it doesn’t earn over 30k then it’s not a proper job or career. He earns 60k my job earns between 18-22k. The related work he thinks I should do earns between 25-35k with progression.

I understand his reservations about me not earning more, but in the role I am in now I can be really flexible. Pick and choose days work, which works really well around the dc and dh’s job (he works offshore 4on/4off)

I wish he would just stop digging at my career like it’s not worth anything to me! It doesn’t help that he hates his job and I love mine!

Because of his feelings I am struggling to commit to any extra work/experience which will help me progress or do any new qualifications. He will see them as a waste of money and I know he won’t support financially in them.

It doesn’t help that he hates his job and I love mine!
I think you've got your answer there. What he is not telling you is 'if I have to work at a job I don't enjoy to help support the family, why shouldn't you too'. Or thinking that maybe he might want one day to consider another career which pays less, but that wouldn't be an option if he remains the main earner.

I can see his point, as in a way, you are getting the best of it, both his good income and a nice job whereas he gets a job he doesn't enjoy.
As someone who hates her job but need to do to support my family, I totally understand how your OH is feeling, but at the same time, respect that it's not your fault that he hates his job.

The flexibility sounds great when you have children. However, if he wanted to drop to something he enjoys more that pays 20k could you manage? If not I can understand the resentment a little.

If he hates his job he needs to deal with that, not resent and pressurise you.
I wouldn't be impressed with his behaviour. You're a long time dead, doing a job you enjoy is more important than money

Not totally understanding the "respect" thing.

1. He doesn't respect your choices - thinks you should bring more money to the family table and resents you for that?

1. Doesn't respect your choices - thinks you are under-rating yourself?

1. Doesn't respect you because he disapproves of a job (you say you love) that you have been doing for years, even when you met him ?)

TBH if I hated my job I'd not fund a partners qualifications to stay in a lower paid job either. If rather move jobs and take a pay cut or retrain myself.

If the main earner hates their job then they are going to be resentful if the other person isn't pulling their weight financially simply because they like their job.

If he quite and found something on your salary that he liked could you manage? If not, then compromise is needed from both sides not just his.

There is a lot of value to a flexible job when you have kids and when your partner works away. I think he's overlooking that.

I can see his point. I know he’d love to be in a position to change his career back to what he used to do but it’s such a significant pay drop that I can’t see it happening due to our mortgage.
But I don’t see it changing even if I took the other higher paid option.

I just think the flexibility of what I have now, plus the progression in my current role will be less stressful all round compared to the other.

I just hate the way he talks about my job like it’s a gap year job. When there’s some well respected people within the industry

I think so too butter

I understand that he is the main earner and is feeling resentful. But there’s no way he could have done his job & had kids without me making a compromise in my job.

If he’s away f/t fuck that! You work as p/t as you need to! My DP does 6 on 3 off and the fact is that someone has to cook, clean,run the baby while he’s not here so if I want to work flexibly then I will, even if it means less money!

I know he’d love to be in a position to change his career back to what he used to do but it’s such a significant pay drop that I can’t see it happening due to our mortgage.

So from his perspective, he has to stay in a job that he hates so you can cover your mortgage yet you're not willing to take a job you don't enjoy to increase your earnings and take the pressure off him?? It sounds a little unfair really.

Yeah bath he doesn’t think I appreciate what he has to go through in work, but I do! 3 weeks away is a long time. But it’s a long time for me and the flexibility is amazing. I don’t think he realises that.

hundred my pay increase wouldn’t make a difference in the grand scheme.
Hypothetical we’d both be doing jobs full time, he’d still be working away for weeks on end, I’d be working full time with no flexibility and we’d be taking a 20k family pay cut.

He thinks the other job I can train for is more ‘professional’

Have you both thought about the childcare costs you might have if you move into a better paid but less flexible job? Half terms, illnesses etc. If he's away and you can't take time off work you'll have to pay for childcare. Is that not going to eat away any salary increase you might get? Is it worth calculating this for him?

I am a professional, there are lots of aspects of my profession that I would like to train further in, but I’m 45, have 3 children, a mortgage and we are realistic in that I could spend a lot of money on courses which I then won’t recoup as my wage wouldn’t change and I can only work part time atm. It’s frustrating, and less fulfilling, but it’s reality. We way financial decisions like this up all the time.

I think go the flexible route. Also work out the FTE. So it might be 20k working the hours you do but if you could commit more then you would earn more!

I work flexibly from home 3.5 days. It’s a sales role and I ‘only’ earn 24k as a basic but ill soon push it up with commission and I just want to have the flexibility. So for 24 hours a week I’m ok with earning ‘only’ 24k

What matters is I’m using my brain and I’m happy.

I don't think it's a straight comparison between him doing something he doesn't like for more money, 60k is a really high salary and a lot of people would put up with a job they didn't like much for that, whereas your alternative job may lead to 10k a year more (could be only 5k) than your current job which is not such a difference.
Secondly he did choose his current career and I suspect not just so he could support his family. If he had initially chosen a lower paid job you would probably have supported him in that, not demanded he changed to a higher paying career if he didn't want to.
I'd say keep the two things separate and if he wants to change to a lower paying job look into how you could do it, while still allowing you to do the job you love.

Have you both thought about the childcare costs you might have if you move into a better paid but less flexible job? Half terms, illnesses etc. If he's away and you can't take time off work you'll have to pay for childcare. Is that not going to eat away any salary increase you might get? Is it worth calculating this for him?

This. Childcare costs may well cancel out the salary gain.

He really doesn't seem to have got his head round the importance of being able to work flexibly. Has he considered that if your work is less flexible he will have to be able to take time out from his work for the kids if you can't?

If he hates his job and wants to shift to something he enjoys more then encourage him. Resenting you for enjoying less well paid work is twisted. If the mortgage is a burden on him then downsize.

If he hates his job and wants to shift to something he enjoys more then encourage him. If the mortgage is a burden on him then downsize

I agree with this. You can love your job and that's fair enough but you can't expect him to remain unhappy because you need him to be the higher earner to ensure your lifestyle. It's unfair and selfish in what's supposed to be a partnership.

If the situation was reversed would you be happy? I highly doubt it.

Yes colonel he was doing the same job when we met but it was a much better job back then. There have been many pay cuts which has meant job losses and cuts to wages which now makes his role much more stressful.

riding we already live in a normal 3 bed in a northern village. We can’t downsize as there’s nothing in our area cheaper than what we’re already in

Well then he needs to consider moving jobs, retraining etc. It's not your fault he's not happy in his job.

So does it earn 18 - 22k for your part time hours, or is that the full time equivalent? One is quite good, the other is pretty low!

I think it really depends on what the job is tbh. If it is something with a very minimal demand vs something fairly well-recognised (that you could also possibly do part-time), then I can see your DH's point of view. On the other hand, there is a lot to be said for flexibility.

I am in the same situation as you op, although my dh doesn't resent me for having a lower paid jod, he's grateful that I am the default parent to our DCs. I like my job more than dh likes his and I think part of that is due to not having enjoyed being at home with the DCs when they were babies. I enjoy my job far more now than before I had dcs. I'm grateful to be paid and to interact with adults.
I have offered to dh that we swap roles & move to a cheaper house during times when he has been unhappy at work. I am serious about that.
DH doesn't want to down grade our way of life and that would be the reality due to the fact i've had breaks & stay in a role that gives me flexibility to take dcs to school & rush off if they're ill.

So does it earn 18 - 22k for your part time hours, or is that the full time equivalent? One is quite good, the other is pretty low!

This!

I feel for your DH as he’s working full time in a job he hates and can’t get a job that earn less because you’ve got to pay the mortgage.

I’m a bit confused by your job though...

You do something that he thinks isn’t a career but you think it is? He thinks you could retrain and earn more-how much retraining would this take? Years? He then thinks you’d have a proper career, yes? What sort of job is it?

Does what you are currently do have any career progression? If not, you are basically saying he’ll have to earn what he does forever and can’t take a lower paid job?