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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Do we ^really^ forgive and forget....

18 replies

Jonut · 17/04/2007 00:30

... or do we just 'agree' to put it to one side?? My DP left me for 6mths whilst I was pregnant and I later found out that he had been seeing someone during that time. He is adamant that he didn't cheat on me but looking back and working out dates I'm pretty sure (but not 100%) we were together the first time they slept together. The pain he caused me is undescribable and I honestly don't think I could ever actualy forgive him or forget about it. I am willing to put it to one side as I said before and try and get on with things as best as I can because I do love him but it's so hard. She's everything I want to be, gorgeous, confident, skinny (no wobbly bits from having kids) big boobs (big prob with me, I'm totally flat chested yet they still manage to sag after BFing 2 DC!). Have also heard his best mate saying tha she's amazing in bed (he slept with her too, just a couple of hours after DP!! )I went through all this alone, no friends or family supporting me. I think about them together ALL the time-having sex, cuddled up watching a film etc, I even think about them having sex while we're having sex!! And even though her hands (and mouth) have probably been ALL over his body I can't bring myself to touch his bum whilst having sex because it makes me imagine her doing the same thing! I desperately need reassurance but he seems incapable of giving to me even though I keep asking him. Sorry for going on but just need to get it out of my system.

OP posts:

PregnantGrrrl · 17/04/2007 09:06

you need to talk to someone about it- someone not involved in the situation like a therapist. it's understandable why you feel this way, but sitting on it will only make it fester and you'll imagine things 100 times worse than they may have been.

mylittlestar · 17/04/2007 09:46

I've been doing exactly this. Torturing myself with the thoughts and images. Constantly going over it in my head.

At the end of the day though, you are now just hurting yourself. You cannot change the past.

(I don't mean this flippantly in any way. I totally understand what you're saying. This is just the way I'm trying to deal with it in my head.)

I think perhaps you may need counselling or 3rd party help in order to help you deal with this. You also need the reassurance from your dp. Without that you will get nowhere. You need him to tell you how much he loves you and that he's with you because he wants you and nobody else. Can he do this? Would he go to relationship counselling with you to help you get through it?

Thinking of you. It's truly awful what you're going through. But you will get through it xx

obimomkanobi · 17/04/2007 11:24

You poor thing Jonut.

And she isn't everything you would want to be at all, she sounds like a cheap tart. And one day she won't be amazing in bed anymore, and then what will she have left?

I'd agree that it might be worth you talking this through with a 3rd party. It won't be easy, but with time you will get over this.

prettyfly1 · 17/04/2007 12:18

truly amazing in bed involves emotions and a woman who can put it about as much as you say she did isnt emotionally involved. When his best mate said that what he meant is " dirty, whihc is something you dont want to be.

Ultimately he came back to you. YOU won. Big breasts and cheap parlour tricks were not enough to keep him, and you need to remind yourself of how lucky he is to have such a faithful loyal woman in his life. I would feel exactly the same as you and i think the others are correct to talk about therapy whilst you get your feelings out but whatever you do dont make this about you or she is still damaging your marriage. He went off with a cheap tart who puts it about. He realised his mistake and returned to the woman who gave him his children and her love. You dont need to put yourself down - You deserve every bit of respect!!!!!

hurtwife · 17/04/2007 12:25

Yeah
She cant be that good - he came back to you didnt he?

I try and think of it as only sex - come on we can all do that and perform and maybe learn a few tricks. Get a copy of cosmo and read some of the tips - it does give you some confidence if nothing else.

There is also more to life than sex.
Try and work on why he left in the first place and make a fantasic relationship for the two of you.

Good luck

mylittlestar · 17/04/2007 15:14

prettyfly1 that was a great post

prettyfly1 · 17/04/2007 20:21

CHEERS, i just call it as i see it!

Original poster

Jonut · 17/04/2007 22:30

Thanks everyone, really appreciate the replies. It's so nice to have some support. There's no way he would even consider going to counselling and whenever I try to bring it up he just says "Shhh". I did make have a lot of questions for him to answer, most of them with answers that I didn't want to know but HAD to. There are so many more that I want to ask but don't know how to as I don't want to bring it up as he goes into a mood. I practically begged him to reassure me and tell me he loves me, how he feels but he's never shown feelings, when his Grandmother died, who he was very close to, he wouldn't even cry in front of me.

OP posts:

Blondilocks · 17/04/2007 22:44

It is hard to forget but after a while it is possible & I do think people should be allowed one chance (although I know others may not agree with me on this). & I know exactly what you mean when you say you can't stop thinking about them together, but this also passes with time.

Remember that although she appears to be gorgeous, confident & skinny she may not feel confident & may not be a nice person or even a person that one would want a relationship with.

Take care. x

Original poster

Jonut · 18/04/2007 08:42

Dp did actually say she's bit of a psycho and the mate she slept with hates her. He tried desperately for me not to find out about her because he didn't want to upset me anymore, but men don't seem to be quite the genious's that they think they are!! She knew this and would often threaten to ring me up and tell me!! From what I've heard she seems to be quite an insecure person (hence the sleeping around?)

OP posts:

1sue1 · 18/04/2007 09:26

prettyfly 1 what an excellent reply.I agree with all you said. OP I really feel for you, I think I would be going over and over in my head too, although as someone said, you probably amplify it your head far and above how it really was, still doesn't make it any easier.

I think to really get over this he needs to talk to you far more than he has been, even if it means going over and over and over, it's part of what he owes for what he did.

Original poster

Jonut · 18/04/2007 10:19

Thanks Sue, I've said that to him but he just goes in a mood and it ends up with me running round trying to apoloogising and trying to get him out of it!

OP posts:

1sue1 · 18/04/2007 11:35

aw I can imagine exactly how you feel. I felt like you did about a girl he was just going for a drink with so god knows how I'd be if it was what you went through.

Men are not like us, he obviously thinks you are both meant to be moving on so wants to put this in the past, whereas you probably want to know things like does he ever think about her, compare you to her, etc, i know I would. Until you had absoloute proof that he never does, i don't think you'd rest. And unless you get in his head you will not get that.

But the next best thing to that is him talking as much as you need and if he gets the arse that will not happen either.

Why not write him a letter, asking for ONE NIGHT only where you discuss this, and then promise yourself and him that after that one night you will never mention it again..and if thought pop into your head put them in a box in there and imagine yourself locking the box.

maturer · 18/04/2007 12:49

In my experience (my dh had an affair with a work colleague 3 years ago- we are still together)
no you don't forget....but it starts to get less important in your thoughts
no (for me) you don't forgive....some things are unforgivable...but you do find a way to make peace with it and move on.

However the only way to make peace with it , and your dh needs to understand this, is to get it ALL out in the open thrash it to death, he must be totally honest with you and you with him about how you feel...then only then can you start to move forward.
Yes his reaction is I don't want to talk about it again- after all he is probably ashamed of it- and he'll probably use the "you are stopping us moving on" by talking about it but if you don't get it all out then you can't make any sense of it and it eats away at you and your relationship which is when resentment and worse creeps in- I'd urgs you to get him to understand that it's like a clensing process, you can't move to new things until you've exorcised the old "demonds" as it were.
I do suggest , as others did that you try and make a set time to talk about it say a couple of hours over the next few weeks....eventually you don't want to talk about it anymore. His bury his head in the sand attitude is not healthy for your relationship or for him as an individual it always seeps out in the end!

Original poster

Jonut · 18/04/2007 15:12

Sue and Maturer, you're both absolutely right. I'd love him to say something along the lines of "She's nothing cmopared to you" etc but as he never wants to bring it up he's never going to. It's quite a complicated situation tbh, after he finished with her he kept in contact by text as he was so scared that she was going to ring me and tell me everything as even after I found out about her he denied sleeping with her, claimes they were friends, that she was just someone he could talk to. Obviously in the back of my mind I knew that 2 adults wouldn't be in a relationship for 3mths without having sex, especially as he often stayed over her house but desperately didn't want to believe it so I didn't ifycwim. He then insisted on meeting her 1 last time for a drink to explain that he couldn't meet her anymore. That was probably the most hellish 2hrs of my life!! After I found out that he had still been texting her and met her once for a drink. Later found out that he was keeping intouch as he had gone out for a drink with her one night in the middle of nowhere and she was driving. She then decided to drink so he had to drive her home. He was pulled over by police and he wasn't insured fully comp (he didn't know this as his father sorted out his insurance as he works for a family business and his car is covered under work) so he had to stay in touch as she said she'd pay half of the fine. Wish he'd told me this as I imagined that she was so amazing that he just couldn't stay away!! The text I found though was quite affectionate and it was a reply saying for her not to get in a huff, that he'd love to go away with her but couldn't get time off work!! Apparently she'd asked him to go to Dublin with her and friends!! He said that he'd never have gone just that she's like a child and has massive strops if she doesn't get her way so was going to use this as an excuse. Sorry that was a bit muddled but like I said before, it's nice to just get it out to someone!!

OP posts:

1sue1 · 18/04/2007 17:08

I bet all of your focus is on 'her and him' rather than you and him isn't it? If I were you, i would give him a 'one last chance' to tell you anything you ask him (you write down the Q's and he can write the answers if he hates face-to-face). Explain to him that you and him are different and he might be able to move on after you've been shagging another bloke, but you can't...remember he was the one in the wrong here!
I also really believe that you have built her up into a perfect girl when she is not that at all.I am sure you think that he thinks she is amazing whereas if questioned, i doubt thats how it is, not even close!

1sue1 · 18/04/2007 17:09

fwiw she sounds a bit too desperate to be amazing anyway.

prettyfly1 · 19/04/2007 18:12

seriously she sounds like a kid but to be honest you need to make him understand that HE did wrong and HE is damned lucky YOU took him back. Therefore if you want to talk about it you have the right too because although i dont think you can forgive entirely for this you do need to learn to trust him again which takes time and total honesty. I do know its hard, especially if you get very upset or angry, he probably thinks the same as most men "just let sleeping dogs lie".

Also why dont you consider councelling alone to help ou work thru your feelings. Not ideal i know but sometimes jsut time to thrash it and say whatever you want without fear of reprisal can really help.

Something i do think you need to try and come to terms with is that she is totally unimportant. She was a symptom of an illness in your relationship, not the disease and right now you are trying to find a way to cure it. A bit of an odd analogy i know but it seems to fit.

Keep your chin up chuck - thinking of ya

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