I have been with my partner a good few years now and since moving house 2 years ago, we have kind of changed, well due to stress of moving being one, change of jobs being another and lack of money too during this process. When we argue its never ever pleasant if anything I feel like worthless afterwards as I thought I was strong but now I feel I can't handle my partner emotionally I feel weak.
He is a real keen Xbox player and psp player he plays to unwind during the week after work and at weekends for about 2/3 hours at a time, he even asks for this whilst I do my own thing which works great. I see friends, family, work, gym, spa etc.
I am just wondering if you think this is unreasonable or not in terms of what I am asking from him from the below:
we are both responsible adults, I feel with good jobs and are good with many things and generally get on well and love one another deeply. He is very generous and helped me tremendously when ill and also financially too as I lost my job a year ago and now building up my own business in beauty. He is very encouraging in that sense and makes me realise he is a good man, however
So whenever I feel like I am being taken for granted I end up getting quite critical which isn't a good trait I know so I am trying to soften my tone now and ask for things in a better manner instead of building up resentment. At weekends he wants a lie in, he works a good 10 hour day in the week which is tiring in London and I work 24/7 at home on my business as well as looking after our dogs, house etc which sometimes is hard to work on both whilst seeing clients, but I can manage.
now at weekends, he just likes to get up whenever instead of thinking the dogs need feeding or we need to do this he just lazes around and casually just wanders down the stairs at like 10/11am, which is ok but I find its always me who is getting the dogs sorted, which isn't a chore but it would be nice for some help. So I ask him could you please help as you can play on your games console anytime but the dogs need a walk first thing. This then results in a row, where he wants to dominate the row or argument and I tell him to stop talking down to me to which he tells me to stop being a martyr when I say ok I will take the dogs out myself and just walk out.... I have never heard this expression before from anyone regarding my feelings or how I am coming across and wouldnt say I was but this is twice he has called me this during a row. Its actually making me feel very low and weak whenever I want to raise anything.
Our chores around the house we tend to share, I clean from top to bottom, do the beds, he does the laundry and hoovering and putting the dishes away, but he won't cut the grass this is like you have to ask, beg and in the end I end up doing it to which he says, you are a martyr? when I ask could he do it, as its a nice day, he always says but its been raining it would be hard to do, there is always an excuse but when he does it, its like praise galore. I am happy to compromise.
Now he is not lately complimenting me instead of jokey putdowns as I joke too however, when I ask for a compliment, it would be nice to be complimented he said "what are you some kid who needs attention?"
I am slowly feeling a little bit like I want to not be around him as much unless he is nice to me, its always me who suggest things to do. Now I am not, I'm just leaving him to do his own things, which is not like me. We use to go swimming as a date night every Wednesday but stopped when I had a knee injury, but asked if he would like to go along with me again as knee is all good, he said no not really. He has felt that he is not up for it anymore. So I said I will go along on my own as enjoyed it last time he said stop being a martyr again!
I feel I am attractive, look after myself and I am around 9 years younger than him. However with these traits I am not feeling confident as such anymore whenever I feel a tad undermined or even like he is stronger mentally than me. With his ex in the end she use to bully him and he took really ill after her, his dad is also a real bully and always puts him down since he was 5.
The more he calls me a martyr the more I am feeling it strangely. However, now when he gets home from work I no longer cook for him or us, instead I wait to see what he does and do my own thing. He said he likes it when I am in smiling and there for him, but if I get nothing from him and he is not suggesting cooking dinner but I have to ask for him to cook once as I am always doing it, it would feel like he I'm asking for too much., I no longer plan anything I wait until he does, but nothing is changing, he is not planning anything unless I say it would be nice to see that or such and such is going to do that...then he will do it, this has happened twice in a year.....
most weekends he says ok what is going on this weekend, I say nothing and thats it I use to always do things for us....so now I am saying nothing and he asks what is up. I am not moody I am just saying that I am fed up of always me planning and making an effort. I am now going to the gym every Saturday and will start playing golf again to which he said he wouldnt like it if I did as he wouldn't see me, I was thinking twice a week just to get my happiness back and sanity as I work a lot from home.
I do feel upset and I am just about to tell him this.
Do you think I am being unreasonable to ask for your needs to help more around the house, he says all you need to do is ask but if I raise something he doesn't like or get upset as he still hasn't changed when I said this upsets me more so weekends, he will control the argument, put me down and I call him nasty to which he says I am a martyr, its that word he keeps on saying which is upsetting me the most.
I am feeling at a dead end here!