Dying father - How to grieve an abandoning parent

[ginandtonic324]

Hello!

My life story is complicated. My parents divorced when I was about three and my father went to live abroad.

I only met him when I around 11 years old and he did help me financially until the age of 23. After that, we've been in touch but only here and there as we live in different countries. He never helped financially again, apart from paying to tickets to go and see him abroad.

My relationship with him was always complicated due to the fact the I felt abandoned at a time of my life when I needed him the most. However, without his financial help, I would have ended up a lot worse off than I did, as my mum's family ended up completely bankrupt and nearly homeless.

Now he's dying and his wife resents looking after him as he's always been a dysfunctional, hard person to live with. Every time I go, all her resentment comes out as she thinks he's my responsibility too.

He still lives in another country so there's not much I can do from here. I'm sad, but I'm also extremely angry at him, at his wife and my mum too for handling everything so selfishly over the years.

It's really taking its toll emotionally on me. I don't know what to do and I don't know how to feel. I can't stop thinking the generation above me were a bunch of selfish, childish and self centered lot, only caring about themselves.

Anyone has been in a situation like this? Any advice on how to handle the emotional burden I feel right now.

My mum died a couple of years ago. We hadn't had the best relationship but when she was diagnosed with cancer I dropped everything to be there to support her and for her final 18 months we built a wonderful close relationship that I now treasure in her absence.

On the other hand, my father abused me and I haven't seen him for 22 years. If he gets sick (don't even know if he's even alive tbh) then he can find someone else to take care of him - he's never shown the slightest responsibility to me, and I have none to him. He did pay minimal maintenance to my mum and then to me until I graduated, unless he could find ways to get out of it which he frequently did, but frankly that's the bare minimum as far as I'm concerned.

So I think it depends where on this spectrum you fall.

You reap what you sow. In your dad's case he only contributed the barest minimum (and you needn't be grateful if that, it's the least he could do). You owe him nothing so do what's best for you. (Do you have kids? If so, could you ever contemplate moving to a different country and not seeing them for 9years?)

There are no rules regarding grief. You feel what you feel. Anger is a normal part of the grieving process.

I had a difficult relationship with my mother. When she died, my two overwhelming emotions where anger and also relief that the difficult relationship was over.

Thank you so much for your wise words. I think deep down I've been grieving the relationship with my father all my life. At least if he dies there will be something more palpable to grieve.

I have two children, and the mere thought of leaving them when they were little makes sick to the stomach. I honestly cannot understand how a human being can make a conscious decision to be far away from their young children. I think that's the most painful part of all this.

My mothers dead and we were estranged at the time of her death. However, for me there was nothing to grieve over as I had made my peace with our relationship years before but I didn't know that until her funeral.

Regrets steal time from the present and future and why let that negativity have so much headspace? Your father is who he is and did what he did and there's nothing that you could have done about it. It sounds like you need to grieve for the what ifs about your upbringing.

Ignore your step mother issues, unlike you she had a choice about being your father's wife.

Thank you, Isetan. You're right about feeling regret. It's negative and non productive at all.

I told my step mother many times that I would support her if she ever decided to separate but she always said she couldn't as my father was very vulnerable by himself in a foreign country. I think he always had underlying mental health issues never treated, so he was emotionally vulnerable too. However, that didn't stop him being a right pain the bum his whole life.

Ahh, dysfunctionality is like alcoholism. It's hard to accept and realise there's nothing you can do about it other than keep away.

Sorry about missing words in my texts above. I'm feeling so stressed right now...

I recognise so much of what you say and you have all of my sympathy. My mother died two years ago after a very difficult and distant relationship with her - I didn't live with her after the age of 7 and she was an on/off alcoholic and very depressed.

I thought I'd come to terms with the fact I wasn't going to be loved by her before she died, but I did find it really hard. I didn't feel anything for ages, and then a whole lot of repressed stuff from my childhood came up.

It might be entirely different for you, but what I would definitely suggest is finding some counselling, even if it is just 6-8 sessions through CRUSE, to process what you feel. I did this and it was enormously helpful just to tell the story.

What's particularly odd is that there's no books or websites that I've managed to find about anything like this, yet it must be quite common.

I dear OP I am in a very similar situation, although my Dad is geographically closer than yours. My parents divorced when I was young, my Dad went on to marry someone who clearly didn't want me around. Fast forward 30 years, he's got dementia and suddenly I'm extremely useful to have around, to the point where my privacy is intruded on constantly. I can really relate to what you say about not knowing how to feel. I just feel cold, angry and annoyed. I suppose society tells us that it's only OK to feel sad in these situations. How about you? I'm guessing you do feel a certain way, but that you don't feel you should?

Thank you so much for your messages. It's good to hear other people's experiences too. It helps to put things into perspective.

I guess grieving an absent parent is a very complex, long process because we're grieving the death but we're also grieving the abandonment and the absence. I'll definitely consider CRUSE. I've heard about them and know someone who is doing voluntary work for them.

I feel very sad too at his prospect of him dying, but it's the anger and the annoyance that comes with it that I find very upsetting and stressful.