Negotiating with a narcissist over Christmas

[BrightNewLife]

Anyone with experience of Narcs: I would welcome advice negotiating with my very narcissistic ex husband (NPD) about Christmas arrangements.

I left him 18 months ago, and during that time he abandoned our children, and our business, fled all financial responsibility, had a 'breakdown' and now lives with his mother. (I posted on here a few times).

Now I live securely with a new partner, his children and my children. We all get on great and I am slowly rebuilding a strong home for my kids.

I want to enjoy a happy Christmas in my new setup. I have had an enormously difficult year as he left teetering in bankruptcy.

My ex does not see the children regularly - maybe once a term - he says its because of the distance of a 5 hour drive.

He is not working, not receiving maintenance and doesn't make any financial contributions.

He is not involved in my children's lives - he calls irregularly every couple of weeks for 5 minutes. But now my ex wants the children the whole Christmas period, from the 23-27th.

He didn't spend it with them last year as he was living in squalor and the house was unfit for them to visit.

He is claiming I 'had them last year' and that this year he's booked a meal with his mother.

I have said that I will drive part of the way on Boxing Day and then the children can spend the week after with them both.

I think this is reasonable - and that the 26th is still special enough to have 'second' Christmas and spend time with their grandma.

I feel that I really want to stand my ground, as he really wants them on the 25th. I think he does not deserve any special dispensations, or has any right to make any such claims.

I think these requests are once again all about what he wants, when it suits him - as usual. He's trying to make me feel bad and inconvenient saying his mother is looking forward to it and the meal is already booked.

Help please... AIBU?

I agree with Jeaux - there is no negotiating with them, and Yes or No, and Take It Or Leave It (when you have a plan in mind) are the only ways to go when you get broadsided like this.

Why are you taking the DC to him?

Let him come and pick them up - what a joker he is.

Just despair with these dickhead dads.

How have you managed to meet someone new and move in with him and his and your children within 18m of leaving an abusive ex?

Having survived 23 years with a narcissist ( and an alcoholic one at that ) and subsequently survived divorcing him and a crap few years.....
The only answer is NO ANSWER.
Don't respond. Ignore. He doesn't want the children, he wants to rule/rile you. Leopards can change their spots. But not narcissists.
Stay quiet until he speaks or emails you with the respect you deserve as his children's mother.
Your children are not to be played by him in his control games X

Ignore the narc ex guilt trips you and your dc deserve a calm peaceful settled l c'mas. Alternate xmases work for co-parents who are present in kids lives ie eow/holidays etc.
If he's currently not even having any sort of reliable contact with his dc then he can't swoop in and take over just for the sake of his Disney dad festive addition narc ego.

You can of course state clearly and to the point your own wishes and that he sets up more reliable contact schedule before you can agree to any sort of shared Xmas. But with my own dealings with a narc ex they demand, twist, guilt trip and then drop dc for a better offer!

Why are you trying to ‘be reasonable’ with someone who has NPD?

You need to prioritise you DC IMO.

I agree that alternate Christmasses are normal if you share parenting the rest of the time.

In this situation, given he has NPD, you should assume that all of his requests are about seeking supply in some way and you should only agree to things that are in the DC interests.

In your situation I would probably say if he wants to start doing alternate Christmas in the future then of course this will be lovely for the children but that he needs to actually be a regular contributor to they everyday lives first so if he steps up all this year he can have Christmas 2018.