How to deal with difficult inlaws and them visiting

[FireFly55]

I’ve been lurking on here for ages and I’m finally positing to see if you wise ladies can please help me.

I had a good relationship with my inlaws until DC1 arrived and they changed massively. It became apparent that they wanted us to do everything their way. I found my pregnancy and DC1s younger days very overwhelming. I was only 23 and found that people tried to take advantage of my non confrontational nature.

There is so much to this story but I’ll try to keep it to what’s going on at the moment.

FIL & MIL are both retired now. The one saving grace has always been that we’ve stayed in a different country from them but now they are planning visits every couple of months and I just can’t cope. Put it this way, they haven’t liked me for the last few years because I grew a backbone and stood up to their demands. I know they don’t like me and they know the feeling is mutual. When they visit us, they literally shower the kids in attention. It doesn’t matter if the kids are being well behaved or misbehaving, they’ll be laughing & joking the whole time. If I dare try to give the kids in trouble for anything, they’ll be tutting, shaking their heads & rolling their eyes. It’s basically like they see me as the devil & their darling grandchildren can do no wrong. Now, i love my kids and think they’re great fun 95% of the time but all kids need the odd chat about behaviour now & again. Also, MIL sort of micromanages my parenting. I’ll be giving DD lunch and she’ll say “will she not get a little yoghurt with that?” Or “won’t she need that sandwich cut up smaller?” Or she’ll ask me things like “will I get a snack for DD” and I’ll say, no thanks, she’ll be having dinner in 10 minutes. Then she’ll say “what about some grapes?” I’ll say “again, she’ll be fine she’s about to have dinner thanks, then again she’ll say “I could just give her a few grapes though?” And keep going on about it until DD picks up on it and starts crying for grapes. We went out for a meal recently and I have DD a bowl full of food, she wasn’t eating much as she was teething. Mil said “can the wee one not have some Yorkshire pudding?” I said, no thanks. She’s got a plate of food there so if she’s not eating that I’d rather not give her anything else”. Then she turns to DH and says “son, can I give DD some Yorkshire pudding?” I’m just sick of being undermined. We call them out on it but it doesn’t stop them doing it time & time again.

There have been a long long line of problems with my inlaws, they have tried to force me to put my finger into a glass of wine and then into DD’s mouth when she was a little grumpy one day. They have taken her out of my arms when she was a newborn. They are people who believe they do no wrong and I just can’t stomach the thought of spending time with them anymore. So much has happened and I just don’t like or respect them as people anymore and I just can’t bear spending time with them. They haven’t done enough to warrant going NC and I do want my children to have a relationship with them as despite the fact they don’t respect me, they think the kids and DH are literally the salt of the earth. You could say they’re actually a little obsessed with them. I’m from a large family myself so I find the whole thing way too intense. What do I do. How do I find a way to cope with this. It genuinely makes me ill with stress before, during and after their visits. Please help!

My inlaws live close to my parents so last time we were back there we stayed only with my parents whereas before we would have stayed with both. We only went for day trips to see the inlaws (purely because I find it impossible to parent effectively when I’m with them so staying would have been too difficult). They quizzed DH over this, saying they were hurt and wanted to know why. We have already gone down the route of explaining things to them and it fell on deaf ears and just made my relationship with them very uncomfortable so DH just assured them it wasn’t because of them, it just worked better for us on that occasion (due to the fact I was ill at the time). That was certainly a factor but that wasn’t the whole reason. Are we doing the right thing to fob them off rather than get into a big confrontation? Because last time we tried that it only made matters worse.

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Ah this sounds familiar. I have a relative who does the 'keep on asking about grapes (or whatever) until you say yes, because she is spectacularly unable to hear you if the answer to her question is not what she expects/wants.

Yes to them only staying when your dp is at home, so weekends or longer if he can take the time off. If you want them to have a relationship with her, then let your dp do the parenting those days and enjoy having some long baths/go to the cinema/have a day out and leave them to it. If you have to spend sometime with them all, then try to let your routine go a bit: nod, smile and remember that it is only for 2 or 3 days. If the kids get wound up, , then you can say that you expect the change in routine upsets them - you are happy to stay around and establish their routine so that you can all enjoy your time together more.

We also have a relative who has done the fobbing off thing. It's OK. We know she doesn't want to come to big family gatherings. She just finds a different excuse each time and we are all very English about it and accept it at face value, whilst understanding that it means we can all do our own thing.

Thanks freshstart it’s a horrible feeling knowing there is no way to resolve this situation. By nature, I’m someone who always wants to fix things and to keep the peace but I just can’t do it with them.

They haven’t done enough to warrant going NC and I do want my children to have a relationship with them as despite the fact they don’t respect me, they think the kids and DH are literally the salt of the earth
You are going to have to be honest about what you see as your failings (not wanting ILs ther) but what are understandable feelings about the ILs.
You need to say that you find their overbearing behaviour unreasonable, you are not willing to have them in your house for more than 3 hours at a time in the afternoon and only sat and sun when DH is there. Because they are ungrateful for what you do and disregard your child rearing views and as it is your and DH Home you make the rules.
I really feel having someone in your house who openly ignore your views causing you distress is not good no matter how much they adore your DCs, you are their mother and run the Home, they should be kissing your feet because you provide this loving happy home for their DGCs and DH. Not spitefully foisting their ‘iknowbetter’ views and absolutely never be horrible to you. It’s more important you are not demeaned in front of DCs than the two faced DGPs spend time with them. I think you have to say this to them and stop pussyfooting round. If they don’t change they can’t come.

I'm in a similar situation. This is how I've dealt with it:

Got DH on board with limiting visits. Ive done this as pp have said by saying - oh we can't do that half term, we're away/have friends visiting and suggesting a date another month away.

Making sure DH is here when they're here. Taking time off work if necessary.

Arranging nights out with friends/lunches etc so I can get out of the house while they're here

Arranging for my parents to come over for an afternoon while they're here. They hate each other. Very good sport - watching competitive grandparenting!

And finally, in recent years now my oldest is coming up to school age, I've let them take them out for the day. It's actually fine. I set ground rules - no snacks before lunch etc which I'm sure probably get broken, but I'm not there to see it so it doesn't bother me as much. Plus they get to deal with his nuts behaviour in the afternoon when they've fed him sugar all morning! And me and DH get a whole day together on our own.

It definitely has got easier as the kids have got a bit older so hang in there. I know your pain only too well. It's the fact that they have to be here to ruin all the fun times that upsets me. Birthdays, Christmas etc. But it's definitely not as bad as it used to be.

Get your Dh to say Fri-Sun only, they will argue because they like the feeling of superiority and this robs of them of that.

Your Dh's response should not be an apology of you being overwhelmed, it just gives them more ammunition against you, the line is "that doesn't work for us" and repeat, repeat, repeat until they agree Fri-Sun.

I had this with FIL, undermining, trying to feed my child just before lunch etc. Luckily Dh saw it all and we said no more. We wouldn't stand for it, I was pregnant with Ds2 at the time.

There was a "meeting" held between Dh and MIL (the peacemaker) and she put her side across and Dh put ours across. They believed it was all me but Dh showed her that he felt exactly the same and wasn't some puppet.

We mended bridges and FIL never undermined me again. There was a lot of eggshell walking done by them but I can genuinely say that I enjoy spending time with my FIL. Our relationship has changed and he has a lovely relationship with his grandsons. Ds2 is now 11.

But our united front and our refusal to not put up with this sort of shit made them realise what they had to lose. My MIL genuinely believed because she didn't don a white glove and check for dust when she showed up meant that she was a great MIL. Errr no.

Well I quite like being a confrontational bastard sometimes but sometimes it's the only way.

My advice is that as sitting down and explaining to them hasn't worked, start calling them out as and when each occasion happens. It's ridiculous that it's come to this point, but it would basically mean treating them like toddlers who are just grasping rules.

1. When they roll their eyes when your talking to your children about behaviour: 'x and y, we've spoken to you about this before, don't act like that when I'm trying yo guide my children '

1. When trying to feed grapes

I have said no. Can you either accept my decision or leave the room.

1. Yorkshire pudding - if you feed dd a Yorkshire pudding your next visit will be cancelled.

It will become so excruciating and embarrassing for them they'll have to stop.

The only way you can deal with this is to set boundaries and enforce them. You will never change your in-laws, you can only change how you behave around them. So as others have said, you point out their unacceptable behaviour and have consequences if they continue.

The best consequence in my view is to point out to them what they've done wrong, and if they do it again, pack up and leave. Immediately. No fuss, no commentary, no discussion. Just leave. If they're at your house you can still leave if they won't.

If you don't want them at your house all day tell them before they arrive the hours they can be at yours, and then don't answer the door to them if they turn up earlier. Turf them out when their two hours or so is up. Be firm.

And if all that doesn't work, then don't agree to see them at all. Simple.

I’m not sure it must come from DH. You speak your mind and lay down rules. Negotiating via DH could soften the blow.
Any inference from DH that it’s you who are hard work and not them then put him straight on that.
You will all be happier once the boundaries are made clear, you can do this best.

Arranging for my parents to come over for an afternoon while they're here. They hate each other. Very good sport - watching competitive grandparenting!

This really resonated with me. They wanted to come down at DC1s actual birthday weekend. We said they were welcome to come then and that my parents and my brother & his family would be round too. They swiftly changed their plans. They were also the first guests to leave both of my children’s christenings. I think they don’t enjoy being there when my family are there because they know they won’t get to do their usual overbearing behaviour.

The funny thing is, they’ve tried to get in there first this time by telling us they’ll be down for DC2’s Birthday. What they don’t realise is, that won’t put my family off coming down. I’m quite looking forward to informing them that we’ll have lots of other relatives here that weekend

I hear you!
I had my children at a similar age and wondered whether it was because they thought I was too young so would attempt to keep in charge. Everything I did wasn't good enough. 5 + years I have put up with crap and the ever building anxiety. I no longer want to see my M, who is in denial about it all when called up on it (narcissist too).
I'd recommend you set clear boundaries and enforce them now.
If you hear tinkly titters after your have given them a boundary, that is them brushing your respect aside. You must enforce it, even if you have to be blunt. This may take you out of your comfort zone.
Hell knows I feel rude sometimes the way I grey rock with my mum, because I was brought up as a people pleaser.
Good luck!

We said they were welcome to come then and that my parents and my brother & his family would be round too. They swiftly changed their plans.

That sounds familiar. My in laws do that too. They also have form for getting up in the early hours and just leaving when we gently lay down boundaries (but saycthey can’t get up early if we would like them to help out.) They flounce and withdraw emotional effection from dh if we don’t do exactly as they want. It’s like dealing with stroppy teens,

The ONLY way to deal with ours is constant, constant boundary reinforcement. And it drives me nuts because my family, who arent saints, respect boundaries so much.

I think you need to keep calling it out every single time. Constantly.