Do I tell my mum That I find it extremely difficult to be in her presence?

[cupcakesmakeyouhappy]

Posted before about my mum and had an amazing helpful response. Thankyou MN :)
Just read a post with a link regarding getting rid of negative people in your life.
I'm at the stage of letting go of my awful emotionally abusive upbringing and accepting my mother's self absorbed ways.

I have approached my mother, explaining how I feel about her ways. Very selfish, always needing a man and has no maternal bones in her body. I didn't actually say that. I just said she continues to search for happiness in men who she doesn't really know. Throws her time into them without giving us (me and my children and I have siblings) a second thought. I said we are family, life is short. I don't want her to be lonely and of course she deserves to be happy but I don't want to be a convenience in her life (which I am). Her behaviour makes me still feel completely unloved and unimportant...
Anyway...this was 6 weeks ago and now she's even worse. It's like everything I said means nothing. It's like she's feeling sorry for herself. Now when I have to see her, her comments and behaviour just infuriate me to the point I can't look at her. I seriously can't look at her. I can't avoid her...

What do I Do? Tell her? Is that mean?

I haven't put details of her past behaviour but mine and my brother and sister were neglected emotionally. My step father came first. He was a horrible man! This went on for more than 20 years. My sister keeps herself to herself. My brother has tried to take his own life and continues to struggle mentally with his demons. I look to the future, although deeply scarred. Life is too short and wish she would see that.

You do not have to accept your mother's selfish and self absorbed ways at all nor do you need to forgive those either. You have all been greatly harmed by your mother's overall lack of care for you all as children.

What are your boundaries like with regards to your mother?. Are these still too low or not consistently applied?. I would seriously consider dealing with your own FOG (fear obligation and guilt) that such people engender feelings of within their now adult children. You care about her; children now adults do care about their parents no matter how abusive they are. However, she does not care at all about you and you will never get her to acknowledge your point of view let alone for her to apologise and or accept any responsibility for her actions. You can avoid her going forward; she after all was not a good parent to you and she is a poor example of a grandparent to your children also.

You have approached your mother and I see without any surprise that she gave you the usual type of responses associated with such selfish people. The only person she's ever cared about was her own self and getting her needs met. She has not fundamentally changed since her own childhood (which was likely to have been abusive in nature as well) and remains emotionally abusive and uncaring towards you and your siblings.

What if anything do you know of her own parents and family background, I ask only as this often gives clues. Did her own dad for instance walk out on her as a child?.

I would back off completely from any further interactions with your mother (who is really not worthy of the term). You do not have to make a big deal of it; just lessen contact gradually and at a pace you feel comfortable with. Do consider also posting on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages and find a good therapist to work with.

Agree with setting up boundaries. Don't tell her though as you'll be inviting comment/discussion when presumably it isn't up for negotiation now. Captain Awkward has some great advice on boundary setting.

No FOG anymore, thanks to the advice I had here last time. It's turned into pure dislike and to be honest who wants to feel that emotion on a daily basis?! Not that I see my mother daily but I see her. Now, it's so obvious as I can't put on an awkward smile. I literally feel angry and can't look at her. It's Christmas coming up and it's going to cause upset.
Yes, I have slowly been cutting contact but now when I do here from her I feel such dislike! I feel like I want to tell her so then I don't have to fake wanting to be around her.

You wrote Anyway...this was 6 weeks ago and now she's even worse so I'm not sure what telling her will achieve? If you feel you need to fake looking like you want to be around her, maybe stop faking and just be your true self around her.

You say you are slowly cutting contact. Anyway you can speed it up?

I'd just sit her down and say you need a break from her. Go no contact, it'll be easier than this.

My mother doesn't give a crap about me either, however she's all over me when she wants something. I try not to see her very much now, it's wonderful.

She won't hear, I hope you get that?

She is a very disordered woman. I have come to a point of having a relationship with my very disordered parents but it took decades time. I had a lot of low contact over the years and I'm in their life to a greater extent now bcs they are old and very frail. I actually look after them! There is no way I would have envisaged I could have that kind of relationship with them.

They haven't changed - I have. I never did the full NC bcs, as disordered as they are, they are not full blown toxic. NC is a very brutal step to take and imo not appropriate in most cases..

That said, you can't stand the sight of her at present. So fake something over Christmas. Imo telling my parents what I thought of them was pissing in the wind: I ended up with piss all over myself aka forever accused of being mentally ill/insane, to the point it has gone down in family folklore that springy is mad. They genuinely can't see where they're awful..

As you know there is a contingent on here that bays for blood and insists on NC. Imo one size doesn't fit all, most situations are nuanced.

It's up to you what you decide of course but my advice would be: get your lying hat on and lie your head off

Don't have anymore conversations with her: as springy said - you will be painted all colours of the rainbow. I know from bitter experience.

Just cut yourself off.

Thankyou all :)

My mum won't try and rectify any relationship left with us, she would rather wallow in self pitty. After that conversation 6 weeks ago she has passed comments like I'm not invited 'No one invites me' 'everybody is happy except me'. She makes no effort to see, or do anything with us or her grandchildren. If we ask her to look after (which I no longer do) the children it's so much effort. She sits on her phone, won't lift a finger and if it means prepping food or driving anywhere, how dare we expect this of her!
Sorry, I feel anger just typing!

When people have been used to someone being very dominant and chasing after their approval (as a child naturally does chase their parents love and approval), it’s really hard to shift away from that framework for living.

It’s a big shift to realise that you do not and in fact you cannot ever get your mother to agree that your reality is true. That would require such a big shift in her that it’s just never going to happen.

I know you say that you don’t have any fear, obligation or guilt forcing you to behave in certain ways, but you’re probably not completely free of an influence that has lasted a lifetime. And this is one of those lasting legacies - the need to have your reality stamped with the seal of her approval, which will never happen. The person committing the abuse will never follow you down that path of enlightenment about what they did to you, the bad, wrong, awful stuff. She won’t ever see it the way you do, because of the lies she tells herself to be this selfish unpleasant person who rates men above her children. There will be excuses and delusions that are hard as steel and utterly immovable that allow her to see herself as the victim, always fighting against terrible odds, always doing the best she can blah blah blah!

Sadly, although you are at the angry, and you’ve moved on lots from the ‘stuck under their spell’ phase, it doesn’t mean you’ve managed to shift all of the harm that happened.

And it sounds like there was alot of harm done. It’s a long journey but so worth it

Btw, I agree that going no contact isn’t the only answer to getting free of toxic family.

However it can help a lot at the beginning, as it’s an extremely hard thing to do to be trying to untangle your brain and heart and get some perspective, if you are still living through that abuse, or those harmful roles or whatever.

I personally would cut down contact until it was almost null, or actually none for extended periods of time. And I’d do that not by announcing it or confronting them, as it won’t actually change them, so unless you feel that you’d get something out of a confrontation, and can cope with the fall out, then I really wouldn’t bother!

Then I’d see how you feel having got some distance, and you can decide what would help you going forwards... so would even less contact help your emotional health? Or would you like to go through the motions just for little bits of contact?

You have to think exactly want you want and what’s good for you. Which is harder than it seems

agreed with wellthisisshit. Sometimes NC for a time can give you space. After that, maybe see how you feel. A friend with an unpleasant mother got back in contact with her and put it like this: "she's an old woman I choose to care for". He did too, and well. He never raised the reason for NC because he knew she was incapable of understanding or changing.

If you can't bear to get back in contact - well, children love their parents, it's programmed in from babyhood. If that love comes to an end, the children scatter and keep away, it's mostly because the children have been driven far beyond their limits.