My ex left me six months ago and I haven't really gotten any better emotionally. We have a two year old and I love them so much and am a good mum but the pain I'm in is so immense I cannot cope with how I feel about myself.
When he left he said I have no self control or discipline (he left me for someone else but he made out to family and firends it was all my fault and that I was mad and abusive) Lots of mutual friends have dropped me and none of his family speak to me. My friends are wonderful but nobody has the time to speak to me as much as I need it, and after six months I think its all worn them thin tbh.
He is enjoying his new life and I am not at all. I was so in love and would have given up everything for my family. I think what he says about me must be true because he is happy and I'm really not. More importantly, he's not at all sorry for what he's done. I do things with my little one all the time and put on a brave face but today its really got to me and I've been in tears all morning on my day off.
My ex got in contact with my previous ex too - they dont know each other and it can only have been to talk about me. The previous relationship was a really horrible one and knowing they are both gossiping about me togther has left me really shaken and unable to sleep or eat. I spoke to women's aid and they said its a form of harrassment but I dont think it is because my ex never comes near me and has cut me out of his life completely.
He sends me emails regularly which make me feel scared of what he is going to ask for/about next. I have started getting stomach cramps every time I open my email account. I am so tired, crying at the drop of a hat and have zero confidence. I mean, honestly, I hate myself and dont think anyone would ever want to be with me because I have no ability to stay in a relationship, i've messed them all up. I'm 33. I had to give up my career and studies and take a call centre job to support us. Everyone there is about 20 and they go out constantly and no one really talks to me there. I dont think it helps that I'm not a very happy person there despite how much I'm trying.
My counsellor said I need to move on and that my ex deserves to be happy. Honestly this has really hurt me. I dont feel he deserves any happiness for what hes done to us. Its just compounded what I worry - that he is in the right to leave and that the fact that I dont think he deserves happiness means there is something wrong with me.
I think I'm just a bad person, thats why he left, and thats why he is happy now and I'm not. I am thinking it might be best for my daughter if I just give up and ask him to have her full time. I can't see what kind of future she will have with me - I have no confidence and will never be with anyone else because I wont trust them. I carry a lot of hate towards people, mostly men, but also young girls at work who gleefully talk about their boyfriends who have kids and how the kids mums are 'useless and don't want them'. Much like how he's turned his friends against me, its amazing what people can believe until they've been put through it themselves.
At least if my little one is with my ex she will grow up with confidence because he never thinks he's in the wrong and is very well liked and popular, so she will learn these traits too. He also lives in a much nicer part of the country and is more well off than me. She will have more opportunities.
I'm so confused. I feel like a worthless human being who will only make her life worse. If this was two months in as before I would just ride out the feelings, but I'm so scared things arent getting any better and that there is no sign of justice in all this. I wonder if perhaps he was right about me after all.
I don't know what I am asking tbh. I think I have noone to speak to and am hoping someone will be able to say something to me that will cut through this fog.