Why do I keep doing this?

[gonepottie]

DH is emotionally and financially abusive. I have posted before. He's currently making an effort to change. I have realised I am completely done. I don't want to be with him. I have (in my head) rearranged the house to how I want it once he leaves. I have made other preparations for this. I do not want to be with him. I am struggling with how to tell him this while he is obviously trying really hard to be a better husband and father.
So last night he starts with the whole 'I love you and the kids so much, I'm so cared of screwing this up. I don't want to lose you. You're my everything. Do you feel the same? Do you love me? Do you fancy me? Do you want to be together forever?' rubbish. And I find myself saying yes. Of course I love you. Yes I want this. When I don't. Why do I keep doing this? Why am I so scared of just saying no I bloody hate you. I want you to leave. I'd be more than happy if you never touched me again ever!!
Don't know why I'm posting really. Just wondering if this is a normal part of preparing to leave or if maybe there's some dodgy wiring somewhere in my brain.

Because you have been conditioned into saying what he wants to hear. And not being able to say how you actually feel.

Also he knows you will say what he wants to hear. He knows you wint say how you feel. He is further manipulating you. He is trying to bind you too him so you feel tou have to stick to ehat you said.

I too left once he started changing. It was too little too late. Its hard. But worth it.

Even keeping my silence during a converstation like you described felt like a step forward.

Because thats what people do unless they're completely dead inside, they try and soften the blow - and usually unwittingly make it worse. You're both going through the breakdown of an unworkable relationship. Its never clean and tidy. Dont over analyse and don't be pulled into bashing him on here. Its ending, now get practical and make it happen.

Oh he's not trying to change, he's just realising its time to play nice for a while.

Look at those questions he's asking you... asking question after question like that all in a row is controlling. He's backing you into a corner because he knows you can only answer one thing. Then if you try and leave you're suddenly the one who told him it was all ok, you're the one changing your position all the time so he doesn't know what to think, etc etc.

LTB

Thank you. I find second guessing every single thing he says to see if it's controlling or if I'm seeing things that aren't there. I am enrolled in freedom programme starting January so that will help. I just desperately want to be free before then