Hi... I've never posted anything like this online before. I don't even know where to start. I'm sure there's so much of the same on here. Anyway I'm at the lowest point I've ever been in my life. I'm 32 and feel like a total failure. I have no boyfriend or partner, in fact it's been 10 years since I had a relationship. I have no idea what it's like to be cared for, cherished, looked after, held etc. I fell in love with someone who didn't look twice at me, he's the father of my child and I can't imagine my life without him. But I've been awful to him, I cry and react in stupid ways whenever I'm around him and he hates me because of it and I don't blame him at all. I've realised recently that I'm on my own because of my behaviour but I don't know why I do it. I feel so hurt inside that I lash out constantly. All I've ever known is rejection. I was sexually assaulted when I was 15 and I think about it every day. I've lost friends recently and i have been diagnosed with a chronic illness that is ruining my life. I have no money and I'm having to go to food banks I frequently go without food so that my daughter can eat. I feel like the worst and lowest person in the world. And yet I have a beautiful child who i love with all my heart so why do I go to bed every night not wanting to wake up? I fantasize about slitting my wrists because I just want the pain to end. I used to cut myself years ago and I've been thinking about it again all the time. Why am I so selfish when I have a beautiful little girl who needs me? The guilt is destroying me. I genuinely think that every one would be happier without me around. Everyone at work thinks I'm an idiot because of the way I've reacted to stuff in the past. And yet underneath it all I have so much love to give I'd do anything for the people who care about me, but I don't know who does :-(