(Long) Friend just married my DD’s father

[2pintsoftea]

I need to let it out before I explode,

My friend married my ex...

Not just any ex, my daughters narcissistic father. This is a man who was my whole world (young and dumb romance), We got engaged quickly and then I got pregnant just after and he tried to persuade me to abort, in the end, I birthed our beautiful daughter. I had come off of the pill without telling him but I had PCOS so never thought I would get pregnant.

We tried to make it work, or I did. He started trying to get me to lose weight (I did gain a bit during pregnancy), and started nit-picking everything. He called it all off a few months after our daughter was born and started dating again. I was completely devastated. That was 6 years ago now.

He has had a few long term relationships since- a 3 year one and another 2 year one... whilst I stayed mostly single. I guess I still had feelings for him even though on his weekly visit to see our daughter, all he would do is poke at me. He is the father of my child and I think I will always have some feelings towards him...

He got married today, to a friend that basically introduced him to when I was pregnant. I always felt insecure around her as she had a hell of a lot more in common with him that I did. She disliked children and was into all the same sort of things him. They would speak really passionately when ever we bumped into her.

I warned her off plenty of times, both during our relationship and the years after it and she always assured me that she had no feelings for him.

They only ever met up around a mutual friend of ours who would have my daughter round hers for his visits as he didn’t want to come to mine (both of these friends lived together).

Last year, my friend got into a minor motoring accident and he apparently rushed to the house to make sure she was okay and decided to kiss her before he left. Friend admitted to me that the kiss had made her question her feelings for him, I gave her my blessing as I didn’t want to be seen as the crazy ex.

Within 3 months he had moved in with her with and cut all contact with our daughter. He still has not seen her 2 years later.

Well, he married last week, no one knew about it, just just eloped. I saw the photos on facebook, a beautiful destination wedding with just the two of them. It really has cut me deeply, I never thought it would be this way. I think I thought that he would end up bullying and leaving this girl like he has done all of his other girlfriends, I never thought he would marry her.

I can’t stop crying and I don’t know why! I know I am being really stupid but I feel like I have a black hole in my stomach right now.

Does it ever get better? :(

Jealousy and hurt are such strong emotions. Just ride it out, it will get better, you will care less but it will take a while.

Are you seeing anyone?

You don't need to keep nurturing 'feelings' for him 6 years after breaking up. It's very strange that you do despite receiving no positive attention from him. I suggest you go and get yourself a course of CBT or something to break that mental pattern and maybe consider starting dating?
You need to move on. Having procreated with someone doesn't mean you are obliged to love them forever.

It sounds awful and I actually do understand your level of upset. Even though you broke up years ago, he is a sore spot for you.

Try reading “How to Break Your Addiction to a Person” (great book), and perhaps also read up on “limerence” a bit.

Oh, btw, it will definitely get better!

This would be hurtful, blessing or not. We all know the “real” him is there. She knows how badly he’s treated DD. If she’s going to marry a bloke like that, she’s going to know the real him at some point.

Don’t torture yourself with social media, it’s bullshit veneer of perfectness will poke at you and hurt you. If you don’t see it, it can’t hurt you. You can block folk and have specific people not come up on your timeline.

Time to move on from your friend and this idiot.

I’m so sorry you’re hurting a lot. Loving someone, who’s not available or who has treated you badly is incredibly painful. It brings up so many feelings. And can become an addiction.

I agree with everyone else to distance yourself from this pair. You said yourself they are very similar. Any decent woman and especially a friend wouldn’t let their oh abandon his child. They sound evenly matched and quite probably this will be a lasting relationship.

Idk why you attracted two narcissists into your life. But I do think you need some tools for dealing with your emotions and some kind of therapy.

Assuming that she isn't also abusive and has formed some kind of "alliance" of abusers with him...

"I think I thought that he would end up bullying and leaving this girl like he has done all of his other girlfriends"

If she has so much more in common with him, their default level of conflict will be lower, so mistreatment will take longer to show. It's how someone treats you, or how you see them, when you disagree that gives you the real measure of them.

So if they haven't disagreed on much so far, he may not have felt that there was cause to treat her like that. It doesn't mean she's safe, should there be a disagreement in future. It just means his abusive tendencies haven't been tested the way they would be with most people, not that they wouldn't show if they were.

She knows what kind of person he is though, given that she's comfortable marrying someone who's cut his own child out of his life. So she's not worth your attention either, really.

All I can suggest is the cliched "do more things that are about you" advice. Follow up an interest you've always had. See some films you've meant to see but never got round to. Do something self-indulgent that you've never tried before. It does help put a little more space between your life with him and your life now.