DH told me I'm not attactive to him anymore

[Sadeyedladyofthelowlands]

We were on holiday last week, at a party in my friend's flatmate's bed it was about 4am. I was tired and a bit drunk and DH tried it on, I said no, too weird in some stranger's bed, too tired etc, and we started to have a bit of a row about my ongoing lack of sex drive. It evolved into a discussion about all the things that bug us about each other and that's when he said it. He said sometimes he has trouble staying excited during sex because I've recently (since being pregnant 2 years ago) put on a stone. Then he said yes, I know I'm shallow.
Apart from hugely disappointed, I don't know how to feel about this, I have started to try and lose some weight but in the long term I'm so concered that I will have irreversible feelings of resentment to DH. We've been together 10 years and I never knew that my physical appearance meant so much to him. Now I can't relax naked in front of him at all.
He keeps comparing me to the girl I was when I was 19 years old, a size 12 and we used to spend days in bed making love. Now theres another 10 years on me I have a toddler and I'm a size 14/16 and theres not as much sex as there used to be.
I'm sick of him comparing me to myself 10 years ago, that's unreasonable, right? We all get older after all.

we all wish we could be that 19yr old again i was a size 14 curvey girl now i am overweight 35yr old

i am sure he is not the same as he was 10yrs ago???

i assume he's as buff and handsome as he was 10 years ago then?

a drunken honesty game is never a good idea. things never come out right.

have you talked about it sober? does he remember what he said?

Who did you marry, Peter Pan? Tell him he's ageing too. What an insensitive man

, what a horrible thing to say to you. Does he look exactly the same as he did 10 years ago? Even if he does, he hasn't given birth has he.

What a horrid thing for him to say - I don't know what advice to give you apart from maybe show him this thread?

This really sounds like the problems myself and my DP had.
Have you thought he may have made those comments defensively after you rejected his advances?
I had a huge lack of sex drive after giving birth and DP got to the point where he wouldn't even bother and said similar things to me. He's now admited my continual rejection made him want to react back and blame me in some way so he didn't feel bad himself.

find a picture of him at his best 10 years ago, and show it him. Insensitive man.

He is being totally unreasonable.
You poor thing.Are you the only one to have gained a bit of weight or has he also? If both then he is even more unreasonable.
I was a size 12 when I met my Dp am now 30/32 through health probs that mean it's hard to lose weight.My Dp admits that he also has gained quite a bit since we got together and we both admit it makes a difference.We decided that to compliment each other and tell each other how good we look etc. helps more than cruel comments.
Has he apologised for his comment?If not I'd seriously talk to him and let him know that being shallow and cruel will not help get your sex drive back any faster.
I hope you can feel better

I think what bothers me the most is he seems completely disinterested in ME, my personality and who I am. I might be a SAHM and not have the most interesting things to say but I'm so sad that he's more concerned about my body being jaded than my mind.

That is awful, I bet he has changed too? How would he feel if you commented on something that has changed on him? My DH has put on weight, got more hair everywhere else and is going slightly grey but I would not think to comment about that, it is something to do with ageing and our bodies. Yes we could all diet and look like a wasted away shriveled prune but they also would not like that!
In the long run his comments are not actually going to help you to get nyour sex drive back (in fact it it will do completely the opposite) you need to tell him how hurt he has made you feel and that his remarks have pushed you away further and that he also has changed in 10 years too!

having a family means you wont have the time to spend all day in bed making love and he should realise this. He has been very nasty and hurtful and I think you should tell him how it has made you feel.

I agree that you need to talk to him about this in a rational, sober way. It is possible that, now it's not 4am and he's not just had his advances quashed, he might regret being so unpleasant and you may be able to talk it thru in a way that brings you closer. This may sound a bit optimistic but surely it's worth a try?

Acctually he seemed quite relieved to have said it to me, like he's wanted to for a long time. He was trying to get me to tell him that his weight-gain has turned me off sex and that's where our problem lies but I don't feel that way, he was never a stud, thats not why I fell in love with him.

We apologised to each other the night of the row but not for any comments made, just a general apology when we were finished arguing!

I think you need to view this in terms of the deeper psychology. Testosterone produces sexual urges, and so men have to learn to control these.
In a long term relatiosnship there are always these urges, and it's to the mans credit if he can control and deal with them himself, but most can't.
Assuming he has never cheated on you, you have to realise he has the biological urge for sex so if you continually reject him he's bound to snap back. (I admit his comments were very out of order though)
Having two children under two years myself I know that time away from them is precious tije for us as a couple and times when we can actually have sex without any interruptio, s maybe he assumed that for you this would be a time to 'do it' and once you rejected it he was hurt and responded in kind?

Yes, babyonboard, that had a lot to do with it, his first comment was about my lack of sense of adventure these days.

That's really sad. Tbh I don't really notice what my dh looks like on a day to day basis. It really doesn't matter. I love him for the person he is. That said he has lost a lot of weight over the last 3 years and when I look at him in that way I do think he looks really good. But I'd love him whichever way he looked.
It would hurt me if he didn't find me attractive though. I think your "d"h needs to recognise that things have changed in those 10 years you've been together and you no longer have the time or the income to do as you please. So how about drawing up a plan of action including:

• going along to weightwatchers, if necessary;
• signing up to a gym;
• regular haircuts;
• new clothes;
• an agreed rota of lie-ins (alternate days at the w/ends?);
• regular nights out separately and together;
• money and time to spend on yourself.

Then agree with "d"h what is and isn't doable. Having said what he has I feel he is morally obliged to support you in at least some of this. I wouldn't try and forget what he said otherwise you will end up feeling resentful. At the end of the day if you manage to do even a few of the things listed here you'll feel better about yourself and will be better able to react to any further comments by "d"h (though he's probably regretting having said anything so crass) and move on. That all said I wonder if you do feel there is some truth in his comment and you have "let things slide" to some degree. Sounds awful I know. And that's part of why this has affected you so deeply. Could this be the impetus you need to face the issue head-on?

Oh this is so like me and DP. He'd 'makes moves' just after the babies went to sleep and I just couldn't and so told him 'it's not the right time'. After so many such instances he just gave up trying,or made nasty comments. My mind was too much on the children/the house/my body not being good enough etc.
It didn't help that I spent most of my days in jeans and t's and no make up, and barely got to time to shower, so I felt distinctly unsexy! (hope you know what I mean)
It's so hard when sex is so rare, or hard to do as you've got young children in the house, are always knackered etc that there's pressure to do it at the 'right' time (i.e when staying at friends houses).

I'd advise just taking 10/15 minutes every day to put on a bit of make up and some nice clothes and listen to some of your favourite music. 'me' time is so hard when you've got young children so I think this is what leads to such issues.

yomellamoHelly you are very insightful, thankyou. Yes I've let things slide, I used to be very into weight-control and had very obsessive tendancies about it before dd was born but I guess I just changed my priorites.
I also get very lonely, we moved from England to Ireland 6 years ago (DH is Irish)and I left all my best friends behind. Chocolate became my new best friend! Same old story!

your dh sounds like a twunt

twunt? thats a new one on me...

what the hell, is custy the new cod?
Why take the time to post snidy and unhelpful comments?

I wonder if he was angry and just trying to hurt you? My DP said something similar to me once in an argument and I remember feeling so stung by it that I couldn't imagine ever having sex with him again but we discussed it later and he told me that he was furious and picked the one thing I was sensitive about to hurt me. I rarely think about it now.

oooh blast from the past

i got told i didnt do it for my h anymore about 5 yrs ago

reason being i was a size 12, had had 4 kids, 3 of them under 5, and the youngest was 11m old

he refused to acknowledge what he said was really hurtful and we split in nov 05

that was the thing that made me realise we were not going to last

funny thing is i lost the weight but he would still moan, and he put on loads in the years i knew him

TBH it sounds like he was being spiteful because he had been rejected and he was drunk. Some men do seem to expect their wives to stay in some kind of time warp where they dont change shape, get older or look any different to when they met. Apart from anything the days when we got ready at leisure with a few drinks, banging music & hours to spare has long gone 9 times out of 10 im simulaneously trying to feed kids, sort out hubbies clothes (he doesnt think about them until 30 mins before we go out) and ignore the children winging about me leaving them "again" not surprising my glamour rating has slipped!

I quite often look at pictures of my DH when we met and think "ohh he was nice" now he is balder & fatter but life together is about more than that isnt it?

Dont know what you mean babyonboard - Custy ALWAYS makes comments like that - personally it made me laugh.