He "lashed out" at me last night for the first time

[drfostersbra]

DH and I have been together for 5 years, he is a sensitive, kind and lovely person. I am a femenist and think of myself as strong and independent.

We have a good relationship.

We have a ten month old baby and we both work part time and look after our DD when the other works.

He had a DD from a prev rl who is 10 and stays with us 40% of the time and lives very close by.

Last night, I told him that he should do something to manage his DD's phone and iPad addiction as she is exhausted and LITERALLY on them all day and night.

He really hates it if I so much as suggest a tiny thing about his parenting and says fuck you etc and tries anything to bat me off.

I care a lot about DSD and only raise things if I think she seems unhappy because otherwise it's not worth DH being defensive and angry with me.

His criticism is that I'm judgemental and don't raise things nicely which is true, I was so annoyed last night that I told him it was bad parenting to allow his DD 24/7 internet access. So I can understand why he was annoyed.

He was sorting out some wires down stairs and when I was having a go at him about the fact his DD had been on her iPhone for the entire evening without talking to either of us, he hit me with the bunch of wires as I walked past. It hurt a bit, left no Mark.

But now I'm utterly confused about how to process it. I've always told myself I'd leave at the first sign of violence. I was being angry and horrible to him but there's never a reason to (as he puts it) "lash out" at me.

I dont know where to go from here. Part of me wants to just carry on as though nothing happened. He apolagised, we're both sleep deprived/ I'm confused.

Thanks for reading.

You are a poor feminist if you thought for one moment that you would be assisted in minimising violence against women on a female dominated parenting website

I am sorry your bloke is nothing like the good man you have him pegged as...and that is a fact

He doesn't respect you and you don't respect yourself. Most people would leave him so I expect that's mostly what you'll hear.

Is it just a one off though Op? Or an escalation of him getting angry?

He really hates it if I so much as suggest a tiny thing about his parenting and says fuck you etc and tries anything to bat me off.

I care a lot about DSD and only raise things if I think she seems unhappy because otherwise it's not worth DH being defensive and angry with me.

Do you think he's used anger and being agressive in how he talks to you to shut down the conversations in the past?
I know exhaustion is dreadful with a little one - but has he only spoken like this since your baby arrived (not saying thats ok) or was it already an issue? You should be allowed opinions on anything without being shut down by intimidation/angry behaviour.

How did he feel afterwards? I know he apologised. But was he horrified? He should be properly horrified and ashamed to cross that line.
Did he offer up ideas for working on his anger? (not saying thats the answer but at least might indicate he gets it).
Did he link his reaction to how you spoke? Because we can all improve our communication but not to stop another losing their temper. Are you happy to live with that threat if you get the tone wrong?

Those are my rambling thoughts but might get you thinking to start working out how you feel OP.

You must be feeling pretty shit about this. Think about why it's shit and confusing

He hit you and you’re making excuses for his behavior! Have you asked him for an explanation as to why he feels he has the right to hit you?

The first sign of violence was him saying fuck you

Sleep deprivation is a bitch. I had 2.5 years of chronic sleep deprivation with our 1st dc. I was a shell of a person. Irrational. Angry. And so was my DH. Whilst we were never physical with one another, we'd have arguments that would result in is effing and jeffing at one another. Not our finest moments. I understand how anger can be close to the surface when you're running on empty.

I am not in any way, I repeat NOT condoning violence. But sleep deprivation can impair your overall functioning.

Would he consider some form counselling do you think?

So right, Ferando. She should just keep her bloody mouth shut since he's capable of overpowering her if she pisses him off. Wonderful advice.

OP, please go back and read your post again. This may be the first incident of violence but it's an escalation of his aggression towards you.

Believe me, I know exhausted. I have twins who don't sleep, one with a serious health problem, and constant pain and fatigue. I don't think there are many people who are as familiar with the feeling of exhaustion as I am. My DH is exhausted too since when I crash he has to pick up the pieces. And yet we've never physically assaulted each other. I've shouted, I've cried, I've fallen asleep standing up once... but never "lashed out".

Leave behind years of happy marriage for one mistake.

He doesn't think it's a mistake. Which means he thinks it will happen again if you piss him off. "First time" is right.

This isn't the first time he's lashed out, it's just the first time he's been physical. He gets aggressive when you try and help him with DSD. He says "fuck you" fairly regularly.

He is not a nice man, nor is he a good parent. He's emotionally/verbally abusive and has just escalated to physical violence. You and your DD deserve much better than a man who behaves in this way.

The first sign of violence was him saying fuck you

Exactly this. You have work to do, he needs to know how to treat you with respect, you need to realise you deserve it.

He hit you. He swears at you. You avoid raising things with him because he becomes defensive and angry.
And you describe him as lovely?
He sounds like an abusive cunt to me.

Nothing lovely about him

If you stay with him then it will just escalate and he will be violent towards you again

You're probably all right I should just leave him, take his DD away from him. Become homeless because I have no money. Leave behind years of happy marriage for one mistake. I'm sure I'll feel much better.

I was hoping for someone to come along who would consider the intricacies of the situation and maybe offer some sane advice.

What do you want to read?

Has he apologised for the fuck yous and for hitting you with the wires?

You're in a vulnerable position and he knows it. That's why he's treating you like this. Because you know you don't want to leave.

Now, if you had a good job, or money of your own, what would you want to do?
There are ways to leave him, but you must be in a position to want to leave.

I would say start working and start saving money. You will need it one day when he escalates the violence.

He sounds like an absolute arsehole and you sound like you are in denial. Ps it’s ‘feminist’.

Since you aren't going to leave, OP, and you asked for constructive advice, here goes:

This may be a one-off, out-of-character abberation that will never happen again. But just in case it isn't you need to make sure you are in a position to leave if it happens again (it will) and your relationship continues to deteriorate.

1. Save some money. Keep it safe and don't tell your partner
2. Collect all important documents together and keep them safe somewhere you can get to them in a hurry.
3. If you possibly can, return to work, even on a part-time basis
4. Get a support network around you. This could mean family, friends, people you meet at parent-child groups. But identify people you trust and make an effort to see them and make them part of your life.
5. Find reliable childcare - someone who your children know and are happy to be looked after by.

Don't stick your head in the sand and just hope that everything will work out. The likelihood is that you are in an escalating situation. When/if it happens again, you don;t want to be 'trapped' and saying (as you already have) "But I can't leave! It's impossible!"

I know that you REALLY REALLY REALLY don't want to do any of these things - you don't want to admit the situation is as bad as it is, and also, on some weird level, there is a kind of magical thinking that goes like "but if I have the option to leave, that will somehow make it happen. Whereas if it's totally impossible for me to leave, then somehow that will force everything to be alright because I don't have a choice".

You always have a choice. Be smart and protect yourself and your DC.

Just read your other thread, he sounds a right tool, can't see what's so kind and sensitive about him. Is he still doing the washing up?

You don't seem to have a voice in this relationship - you correctly pointed out that 24/7 screen time is wrong - he doesn't want to hear it -maybe feels critisied - gets defensive and lashes out verbally and its escalated to physically - what could have happened if he was using a hammer at that time (to hit a nail in the wall)? - would he be able to stop himself.
He wants to do it his way - you have no say and woe betide you question him. It will get worse I sorry to say.

Thank you for al of your advice everyone. It's so useful to read other people's perspectives.
I talked to him last night he said he was feeling really disturbed about what he's done and was in shock that he'd reacted like that. He came up with the idea of going to therapy which is something.

I told him that my boundaries are:
Don't sweat at me
Don't hit me (obviously)
And
Don't swear in front of my boss (whole other thread)
He apolagised and we talked lots then the night from hell came with our poorly DD. Neither of us slept well he ended up getting up lots in the night to let me sleep.

I'm on high alert now and I told him this.

Not much more to report.

Thank you all.

Swear**

Pregnancy, and the period after childbirth are frequently the point at which abuse starts/ramps up, whether physical or not.

Your OP is correct. This was the first time, it wont be the last.

You should stop minimising, contact WA for advise, and consider what they suggest doing. It might be that if he recognises you are serious about not tolerating it, he might look for some anger management that will seriously address his problem. He can talk/agree stuff till the cows come home. It is only words.

He is abusive, all of what you have posted points to that. This may well be the first instance of physical abuse, that is all. That means he is not a good parent. He may love his DC, they may love him. Different thing.

advice.

That dishes thread was a pretty long one. Not such a happy marriage, really. If it's to have any chance of surviving, you need therapy that focuses on how you communicate with each other because it's very quickly going to get to the point of being beyond repair, otherwise, if it's not already, as this guy appears to be a prize dickhead.

You know, abusers use therapy as a getaway card and to actually get tools to better abuse.

Develop your escape plan and stick to your boundaries.

If necessary contact Women's Aid for advice so that you are prepared if (or more likely, when) you need to leave.