Is there any coming back from this?

[ChameNangerRanger]

Married to DH 12.5 years, together 15. I'm 36 he's 45. 3dc 9, 6, 2.

I'm not sure how we got here but,

• we don't talk about anything
• I don't want to have sex with him ever (don't want to have it with anyone else though), I have been going through the motions
• I've come to realise he's very very self absorbed
• I don't feel a desire to spend time with him
• he can be a bit of a 'sulker' about things, I used to 'mind' and agonise about how to make things up but now I find I just don't care and eg. Am pleased if he goes off to sleep downstairs
• I enjoy it when he's away with Work
• i don't think I'd mind if he had an affair and wouldn't blame him (prepared to accept I may feel differently in the event)
• I haven't always felt like this obviously but can't pinpoint when or why I changed. I do know I always have made the effort in our relationship in terms of making up after an argument/general making conversation etc and just got tired of it I guess.

Is there any coming back from this?
I have tried to acknowledge and broach our differences in libido & suggest we go to talk to someone but he dismissed the idea. Thinks everything is fine and I should go myself if I want to.

I don't want to break up our family and disrupt my children's childhood. There's a chance I'm having a sort of mid life crisis and don't know how lucky I am/am taking things for granted. And how could I break up their family just because I've 'changed my mind' about their dad?

Thank you, that does help.

I've been thinking a lot and reading up on stuff. As I mentioned an added factor is my/our Christian faith. I'm somewhere in on the conservative-liberal continuum in terms of my faith and don't have it tested that often these days in terms of whether I do things 'God's way' or 'the world's way'. I certainly don't think people should stay married whatever but I think I've decided to try to put divorce out of my mind as an option for now. That I won't seek it but obviously it might be imposed on me.

I would like us to seek help and spend more time together.

It's not great right now but I did make a promise before God whom I do believe in so it feels right in my situation to try to make it better and stick with it even if I think we might be happier amicably co-parenting.

When he's back from this trip I will attempt to have a big chat.

If he won't come to counseling with me I will go alone.

I will just book a babysitter and a restaurant and tell him we're going out.

A weekend away feels nigh on impossible with the age & sleep habits of our youngest but maybe next year when she's 3.

You will need to choose your own way to go, but my general advice would be to try and steer away from the 'big chat' and requests that he goes to counselling for the time being.

He has already said he does not want to do counselling (although he may well change his mind later).

I would suggest booking the babysitter and restaurant and telling him advance on the basis that you want to have some time where there is just the two of you away from the house so you can try to reconnect and get back to where you both need to be/'the good old days.'

To me, the 'date' should be about that, not what each of you is doing wrong.

I am not religious anymore, but I do recall part of our wedding ceremony (had to google it to make sure I got it right)

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."

Yes, you made a promise to God, but so did he. The obligation is not all yours.

"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love"

There is nothing in that which says it is solely up to the wife to make things right or compromise.

As a christian husband he has his own obligations to compromise and help your happiness - the same ones he has as a human being.

Weekends away are not what is needed - my wife would not go when the kids were young - time together and a mutual understanding of what the other needs is better than the most expensive weekends away. I would happily go for a walk and a coffee if it got us some quality time alone together.