Does your DH/DP (male)..

[ThatWasNotLove]

..listen to you? In particular how you feel? Like if you’re having a really bad time i.e. were in trauma therapy for a number of serious things, would he hold you and listen to you?

I ask because I’m in the drawn out process of separating from my otherwise very lovely DH who has Aspergers (diagnosed in the past few years). Not once in our relationship (10 yrs) has he done that. I’m not allowed to discuss emotions at all - not even allowed to get tooo excited or happy about things unless he is. It’s very painful (hence the separation) but “the norm”. My therapist has asked a few times if I can imagine a partner being there for me emotionally. I didn’t grow up with a father so I’ve never seen or experienced this. I absolutely can’t imagine it in RL, only some saccharine movie.

Do emotionally open and available men really exist? Do male partners exist who would hold you when you’re crying and listen to you talk about what’s hurting? AND be honest, caring, not manipulative or cheat on you? It sounds like I have a terrible view of men and while I don’t have great relationship experiences, I don’t hate them at all!

I’m divorced twice, neither husband was able to support emotionally when needed. First husband I think was emotionally abusive (turned things around to help when our eldest son was diagnosed with and died from cancer). Second husband was emotionally cold. I mistook his coldness for quiet strength but it became apparent he had no emotion when my son became ill.

I am now with the most wonderful man (not perfect but neither am I) who is extremely thoughtful, listens to me. He finds my history difficult but will do his utmost to listen when I need to talk about my son, or if I hit difficult dates. He can’t possibly understand child bereavement but understands he can’t
fix it but can be there, hold me, listen to me. I love The way he treats his mother and indicates to me that, should we stay the course, he will likewise treat me in the same loving, caring respectful way. He has a wonderfully warm loving relationship with his own sons and is trying to build a relationship with my youngest (away at uni most of the time). He makes me feel loved, cherished and an equal to him and his needs.

At the age of 50 I have found a good one - I am sure there are plenty out there but I haven’t always been good at spotting the bad ones/ good ones.

So that was a long way of saying yes I do think there are emotionally open and available men.

Minmooch that’s lovely. After the start of your post I was worried about how it was going to end! Nice to hear you found someone emotionally supportive.

Okay OP. I realise my post may be off your target, for which I apologise.

Yes, I have a DH who is there for me. Sometimes it's in his own particular way, but I know I can rely on him at base level, even if the 'on view' bit is a tad muddled.

The poster who said imagine one of your friends who is emotionally there for and supportive of you, add in the partner intimacy and that's pretty much what it's like (caveat: usual variances / people are different / etc. etc. etc.).

That

I hope I didn't sound annoyed. I'm not. I do read these threads and sometimes I do feel annoyed, but not this time.

I suppose I just wanted to see if you'd covered all bases before the very final move of divorce - if you still love each other.

But it's absolutely fine to end a relationship for any reason. My only reason for saying people can't help it is that, if someone is willing to do so, then developing strategies can help.

But I am also aware that other people read these threads and then think "see, autism does make someone a twat" and then respond accordingly on other threads.

IME, I think some men do listen and respond appropriately, but my boyfriend is the only man I've encountered who loves me, cares about me, is loyal, is faithful, is honest, direct, straightforward, doesn't play games and so, for me, any emotional/communication 'errors' are more than made up for elsewhere.

I don't think you can have all of it with anyone. I think there are always compromises to be made and I'd rather compromise on emotional support than on fidelity, for example.

Thanks Mrs and Autumn. I know what you mean - if I hadn’t put the Aspergers bit in the original post there would likely have been comments about how he’s a year and has he been diagnosed - linking the two. Which upsets me.

He’s so loyal that I knew fidelity would never be an issue. I thought I might have to compromise a bit around what I’d dreamt of in terms of emotional support. As it was based on Hollywood I thought it was a fair compromise!

Like I said, he’s a great man. I’d love to find a woman for him who can love him the way I do but not miss what he doesn’t have to give.

I’m not sure how you can definitely say it’s not “just” Aspergers when no two people with the condition are exactly the same - even if they tick all the same boxes, they do that to differing degrees.

And I did want someone who could fully connect - I just didn’t understand that he couldn’t to any significant level. I thought I was doing something wrong by asking for any connection, because he told me I was.

Of course, for him I was doing something wrong, I was asking him to do something that didn’t exist, so was a) irrational and b) ridiculous.

Sorry for what you're going through. Your husband is unlikely to ever fully understand emotions though unfortunately. His brain just isn't designed that way, and you can't change the way a brain works (without breaking other parts). He should try at the very least, dunno if he does, but he'll never fully get it.

When I first met DP he was not good at giving emotional support, he still is pretty emotionally unaware and gets it wrong at times, but he has improved massively. It’s taken a few arguments, but we’ve learned from each other. I’ve had to learn not to expect him to read my mind, and to be clear about what I need. So for example on Friday I got home and burst into tears because it had been a shitty day, I was feeling ill, and I just suddenly and overwhelmingly missed my mum who passed away. DP was able to give me a cuddle and just say ‘I know, I’m here’ whereas in the past he’d have been more ‘don’t dwell on it you need to think about something else’. We both still get it wrong sometimes but We’re both willing to work on it.