Can't go on ... scared to leave...

[ladygarden]

DP and I have been together nearly 5 years and have a one year old dd. Our relationship has always been a bit rocky but when I became pregnant we were forced to make a decision and we decided to stay together and make a go of it. We got engaged (mainly to keep family quiet), bought a house and moved out of London and I gave up work to look after dd.

Now, one year on I'm not sure what we do next. DP sees himself as a bit of a property magnate and bought our house (along with proceeds from selling my flat) and put only his name on the deeds. This was in order that in the future he could buy another and put me down as the owner in some sort of tax dodge.

This leaves me as a single, unemployed mother without even a house in my name and now our relationship is going seriously pear-shaped. He resents the fact that he is the sole wage earner (though I am trying to get a job) and labels everything as 'his' rather than 'ours'. He lists what I brought to the relationship 'a bed, a table and a TV' and generally is not seeing our relationship as a joint venture at all. He earns a great deal but doesn't trust me with 'his' money. He gives me a small weekly allowance and everything else is on his credit card account which he checks all the time to make sure I'm not spending too much. He is sooo petty about everything he is driving me mad, has serious sense of humour failure and behaves like he's still a single man in a lot of what he does.

Family are still questioning when we are getting married, something he thinks we are still going ahead with though God knows why he thinks this as he doesn't behave like he loves me and we hardly ever have sex. In fact I am thinking about getting out but am scared to death of life on my own with a small child. I am beginning to realise that I don't even like him much these days let alone love him, so really there doesn't seem any choice...

Oh dear ladygarden, it doesn't sound good. If you don't like him, you don't love him, you feel that he is controlling you through your finances (and doesn't trust you) and that he doesn't respect you.... then why are you together? This isn't a flippant question, I just think it would be helpful if you listed what is good about him. Is he a good father to your dd? Is he interested in her, hands on? Is he kind? If not, then it doesn't really sound as though there is much to stay for. If you leave and set up on your own, he will have to pay maintenance for your dd. You said you were thinking of getting a job anyway - well, why don't you? And begin life afresh where you are in control? Easier said than done I know but there are plenty of people on here who have done it and can give you advice....

ladygarden, i feel for you. it is a hard decision to make in a situation like this. ive been through it myself. have you told him how you feel about his attitude towards everything? he may not realise how much it upsets you. if he wasnt like that, do you think you would still want to be with him?

rationally he may be jealous of time you devout to baby and feel left out and try to contribute by taking care of finances etc. or maybe this is too kind - you need to talk to him tell him how you feel and ask how he feels as well

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And you didn't just bring a bed, table and TV, you invested the proceeds of your flat sale which you will be intitled to, together with your share of any rise in value of the property.

sounds grim ladygarden - i would definitely aim to get a job (since you were going to anyway) so that you can see if that improves his attitude towards you, and perhaps your own confidence too? maybe then you will have a feeling about what the next stage should be. best of luck.

Don't know what tax dodge he thinks he's doing. If he doesn't give U back the proceeds from your flat, he has to pay tax on the part of that deposit -- it's treated as a gift, legally. I think the tax rate will behefty, too. Capital transfers r taxable except between spouses, U arent married, tax is owed unless he pays U back, and soon.

Thanks to everyone for your support, you've all given me a lot to think about. I'd never really realised that he is in fact controlling me and doesn't trust me. I think he is basically quite insecure...

He is a good dad to our daughter, he loves her very much and is fairly hands on. This is the reason I keep going, I'd hate to take her away from him (...even if he had access etc.)

However this doesn't excuse the way he treats me. I just don't know how to make him realise I'm serious. I told him all my woes last night and hoped for a sympathetic response and all I got was 'Thanks' followed by a strop. So he'd turned it around to 'poor him' again.

On a practical note, how do I go about getting a free half hour with a solicitor and how does maintenance work? Is it based on earnings? Does he have to provide us with a house? I am trying to get a job but in the field I work in part time work is nigh on impossible to find and I don't want to leave dd in care full time.

have yo considered mediation or have you decided enough is enough and you want out as I think the answer to that will influence your next move

I'd consider it definitely, but not sure how he'd feel about it. I suggested it once and he said it was ridiculous as we weren't even married yet. I'd like to hold it together for the sake of dd, but wonder how much he can change.

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Find a solicitor who still does legal aid (or whatever it's called these days). As you have no independent income, you will be entitled to legal help and possibly further assistance should you need to involve the courts in any way.

Also mediation (or Relate) is not restricted to married couples. It can be useful in all types of relationships, although both parties do need to be willing participants.

its still called legal aid, check whether solicitors in your area do it before you arrange an appointment. With relate, you can go on your own, you dont need to have him go with you if he refuses/doesnt like the idea

Am having difficulties with dh at the moment too. Have been to Relate for an assessment and am now on the waiting list. You don't need to be married to go and you could go on your own if dp isn't interested although he may find it useful. Good luck to you, I understand exactly how you feel x

try this link to find a legal aid family solicitor near you:-

www.clsdirect.org.uk/directory/index.asp?lang=en

you may also wish to discuss how your status would change if you did married re:dp's rights/responsiblities towards you and your daughter

Thanks again everyone, I am making an appointment with a solicitor this morning to try and find out where I stand. DP used to be a solicitor so feel like he may be running rings around me with is worrying...

Zebra - thanks for pointing out that he is taxable on the money I 'gave' him for our deposit. At the time he said we would lose the house if they had to do credit checks on me as well as him as it would take too long, so it was better just to put his name on the deeds. Struggling with a newborn at the time I just agreed and didn't really take in what he said. Still, when I told him about it being taxable his only response was who was going to find out... so - how would the tax man find out?? Being put on the deeds now would mean paying stamp duty of several thousands of pounds so I am thinking of having a 'deed of trust' drawn up by the solicitor but it doesn't stop the taxable issue.

This is all very complicated but generally having had it all out with him last night i am still very confused about how I feel and what to do... it's horrible.

Oh God,
Just had a big barny on the phone. He says he won't pay for a declaration of trust regarding the house (£200), so I said I'd pay, then he said he wouldn't sign it. When I ask why not, he says I should trust him. I say he should trust me, then he says if he signs the declaration thingy then the weddings off and he wants my engagement ring back - how PATHETIC!!! Our relationship is a dictatorship, how can I make him see this just makes me want to run away?! Everything is based on rotten foundations and is totally unbalanced. Until a year ago I was used to being a financially independent woman, now I am literally a 'kept woman' and I hate it.

ladygarden, can i just ask do you still want to be with him?

Rather then jumping down the route of separation perhaps it would be better to focus on how you can get your life back on track. I dont know much about your situation so i may be completely wrong. What about you getting a job so you have financial independence and dont have this feeling then of being unemployed and a kept women.
Perhaps this would be a small step towards getting your relationship back on track.
It must be hard if your dp isnt willing to talk about things but perhaps he is going through a hard time as well and doesnt know what to do.

When there are children involved it isnt straightforward and does take a lot of work with downs as well as ups.

How often do you get to spend time together alone? What about going out?

Tammybear - to be honest no I don't. Not like this. But I am for the sake of dd. I was brought up in a happy, stable 2 parent home and can't imagine what it would be like not to do the same.

Hercules - I think you are right about getting myself a job. I have thought this for a while but can't seem to get started. My self confidence has gone and I can't seem to move forwards. And I am so preoccupied with all these worries I can't really apply myself to it...

Ouch! What a bind. As a token male on this forum I always do my best to see things from a male pov, but even reading between the lines your dp seems to be acting irrationally and not giving you even the minimum love and trust that a relationship demands.

A word of warning: in my (admittedly limited) experience, in relationships where the man has obtained almost total dominance, attempts by the woman to wrest back some independence or even cut the ties in the relationship have sometimes led to violence.

That said, please try not to despair. I have seen good, loving relationships blossom from the most unlikely of sources; and Relate councillors have rescued marriages that seemed inextricably doomed. If you can persuade him to see a councillor then you will already have achieved a vital step back to gaining some sort of a stake in the family. A good session with a professional can knock down doors in a man's heart that even he thought were locked forever.

Then again, if it weren't for your dd I wonder if you would be equivocating about this? I suspect you would have bolted back to your independent life long ago. He needs to understand that he has something to give beyond your "housekeeping allowance" and you have something to give beyond the housework. If he won't hear it from you, find someone he will hear it from.

Good luck and much love.

I mentioned it because perhaps he is finding it hard to deal with you feeling this way. Personally I think it is very important to feel independant and financially independant even if there are no problems. Perhaps if you can work on your own self esteem then you will be able to deal with the relationship better whether you decide to leave or stay.

Oh Ladygarden i know how you feel, i am in the same position
My dp is also fantastic with the children and i would hate to split the family up and in all honesty move out of my nice house. We argue quite often and he always ends up shouting that it's his house and he has paid for everything. Afterwards when he wants to make up he says that he doesn't mean that but dep down he does. I asked for my name to be put on the mortgage but he didn't want to pay. Sorry to go on about myself but want you to know your not on your own.
What is the declaration of trust you mentioned?

Well some good news after the weekend. We have talked about a few things and he is willing to sign a declaration of trust if it will make me 'feel better'. Still not sure what the long term holds, I don't doubt I'll be back here before long...
Doziduck, was good to feel that I'm not alone so thanks! A declaration of trust is a document drawn up by a solicitor which states what would happen if you split up/one of you dies in terms of the house and finances. I have spoken to a couple of solicitors on the phone and whilst none of them seem to be willing to give free advice this is what they have advised. It costs £100-200 + VAT.