Affair

[user1465910683]

I'm in mid 40s married for 25 years with 2 teenage DC. When I was 18 I had a 2 year relationship with my first love. We broke up and didn't have any contact for a few years.

He went on to marry and I met my DH. About a year after meeting dh I bumped into ex on a night out and we kissed. A few days later he came to my house and said he still loved me. It went no further.

A few years later I'd married dh and we had children, my ex also had children. Over the years we'd come into contact socially and always felt that something was bubbling. After a few years we began an affair that lasted 3 months. I finished it due to the guilt I felt, he did not want it to end.

About 4 years ago he got in touch with me on social media, I was polite but told him I didn't think it was appropriate.

Earlier this year he contacted me again, I replied politely as a friend and we exchanged a few friendly messages, until he told me how he felt and I said we couldn't continue being in touch.

A few months ago I bumped into him on a night out and we chatted for hours (we have mutual friends so it wouldn't have looked odd). The following day he messaged me to say he still cares about me.

Initially I said I didn't want to stay in touch as it wasn't appropriate (but the truth is I think about him all the time). He begged me to stay in touch via text and said he wouldn't push it further

Fast forward a month and we've been meeting twice a week, talking and kissing, nothing else. He texts me everyday and calls me 3-4 times per week.

He has told me on lots of occasions that he is falling in love with me and that has now progressed to "he loves me'. Last weekend he was abroad with friends and he rang me twice.

I feel the same as him but I haven't told him. This has been going on and off for 30 years now.

My DH is a lovely man and does not deserve this, neither does ex's wife.

Please talk some sense into me and make me realise that this has to stop.

You love the excitement. You broke up because it wasn't the right relationship for you both. You see the best bits of him when you meet up. He's probably not at all the person you have framed in your mind over the years.

Your poor family who have been neglected whilst you swoon and think about him when he texts and calls and you meet up. What an example you are setting NOT

And yes, it is an on off 30 year affair. Your entire relationship with your 'd' h, is mired in deceit. Do the right thing and tell him OP. For his sake and yours - you need to face this properly because saying no and burying it clearly isn't working. If you lose your dh then that's a risk you took I suppose.

Why did you marry a man who has never said he loves you?

Have you spoken to your husband about your needs in that regard.... if not you should do.

Try reading 'the five love languages' by Gary Chapman

Leave your DH as you’ve been doing this to him for years. I seriously doubt the grass is greener though.

user1465910683 I'm sorry but your DH's difficulties in showing affection isn't an a valid excuse for you to cheat for 30 years. It's you who will decide to have an affair or not, I'm sorry. If you are not happy about that then talk to him, work about it, having an affair won't help anything in this regard. Second, if my DH told me he's been having official on off affair with someone else for over 25 years, I will still tell him to go to hell, it means you have that's many chances to do the right thing over 25 years, and still do otherwise, I don't really care how many hours he actually spending time with other person.

Zoe I'm not trying to make excuses, there are none, my behaviour is appalling I know that.

The posters who say I won't do it after all these years you are wrong. That's why I've finally admitted it all, albeit to strangers on here.

Sandy, I married him because I loved him and I know he loves me. His actions and the things he does for me show me that. He can't say it, he can't even out kisses at the end of a text or on a birthday card, he can't write in a card 'love from'...it's just from.

All these things are not excuses, there are none, I know.

Thank you all for taking the time to reply, to be blunt and to the point. I need it.

Going no contact is your only way I'm afraid.

Even though your DH shows you love.... have you told him you'd like to hear it from him or have him put it in cards?

I'll admit it's better to be shown love... than have someone say they love you and treat you badly.

In situations like this ... I get people to think of the worse case scenario. Think of the respect you'll lose from your DH, DC, friends and family. The embarrassment and shame I'd awful.

The consequences just aren't worth it. Not by a long shot.

No contact is the only way forward, but it's go to be permanent this time. You can't be friends as there are clearly feelings on both sides.

If you really do want to end it act now. Life isn't always black and white.

If you love him why do this to him?

You havent stopped thinking about this man for over 25 years. You put him first.

I think you need to really think about wether you love dh. Or just love that he is reliable.

Would your DH go to couples counselling? Personally I couldn't be with someone who never told me they loved me.

What do you want? Your marriage or your ex? If it's your marriage you need to go NC with your ex and give your marriage a chance

I have similar (ish) situation to you except my marriage isn't good and I have declined the affair with my ex as it's not something I could do. You aren't being fair on your husband and kids.

I suggest you read The 5 Languages of Love by Gary Chapman. It is about our preferences for communication in relationships. Your 'first love' has a communication style which matches your own preference, but it takes more than that to make a relationship work (as you know from your lovely marriage to your dh).

Add into the mix the heady link to your youth, and you've got a volatile cocktail. I think you're doing well to recognise it and the risks, and to state your intention to end it. So do it now. Today. No long explanation or goodbyes or sorry. Block his number, change your phone / email etc. Of course that will be a hassle but it's worth it. Invest in your marriage, delight in all the richness and comfort, focus on yourself and your dh. Try the '56 questions to make you fall in love' to generate new forms of communication.

I think people only get married for show these days. I agree with the other posters. No one respects marriage anymore.

I think it would be naive to think that you are the only ex that this guy 'keeps in touch with'.

Maybe if you keep this in mind when you he texts or rings you for a cosy meet up it will help you to stay away.

If you love your DH. You will tell him and let him decide where you go from there. You have owned this, and have made excuses for your actions. He has a right to the truth. An analogy, you have a good reliable car, say a family car, but you want the sports car, you are excited by it but you cannot own it. So you take it out without the owners consent from time to time. If you get caught you will lose your licence, your reputation and life will never be the same again. The family car does almost everything the sports car does, safely and can carry your family to where you want to go. Would you steal the sports car, in real life? Taking the risk of shame and punishment? Probably not. Yet you are doing this with your life and affecting all around you? Be happy with what you have. That is life. Tell him. You are being selfish, blaming him for your lack of boundaries and self control.

I’m not sure asking op to imagine the shame/embarrassment/loss of respect works.
In my experience, cheaters rarely suffer these consequences.
Their parents and siblings don’t leave them, but their partners suffer that loss.
Their children (especially if they’re young and don’t know why their parents split) still love them but they feel the lose of time with both parents.
Their friends accept them and their behaviour and, when they chose the cheater, the cheated on feels that loss too.
The friends they lose were probably their partners friends and they don’t feel the loss of their friendship.
They may lose time with their dc and they may suffer that but very quickly that becomes the fault of their ex partners bitterness rather than a product of their affair.
Sadly, for the person cheated on, they are also subjected to the pain of losing time with their dc. Friends. Family. Through no fault or choice of their own.

If these consequences had teeth, people wouldn’t cheat no matter how good the high.

Op, if you had any respect for your dh, you would leave (would never have married him) and let him find true happiness elsewhere.
Instead, when he finds out, he will grieve, not only for the loss of his future, but much more painfully, for the life he thought he’d had.
You have let him build his life on a total lie.
And the realisation of that for him will be devastating.

I know you say you are ashamed but I don’t believe you are. You are a coward. You are selfish. You are a disgrace.
Man the fuck up!

Why do women use the excuse of not being told their loved, being complimented as an excuse to cheat on their husband and shag another womans husband.

It's laughable.

What you're doing is absolutely dreadful.

Either shit or get off the pot.

I don't think you're happy with your DH. Happy and contented people don't have affairs. Of course you shouldn't have had the affair, of course your husband deserves better than that. But put all the guilt aside for a bit, and think, if your marriage goes on exactly like this for the rest of your life, will you be okay with that?

This Love Languages book sounds like a load of man appeasing bollocks. Let me guess, putting the bins out is 'showing love' so women shouldn't expect cuddles and affection. This is like a horoscope, telling women what they want to hear.

OP, you have a decision to make. What do you actually want?

Onitlikeacarbonnet says it well. You and the OM are behaving in the most selfish and self absorbed way and are going to cause unbelievable hurt to those around you because you are putting your needs and feelings first above your family and partner. I hope you do the decent thing and tell your partner the truth.

I think your marriage is probably over and you and OM could feasibly make a go of it and be very happy together. Good luck.

I couldn't stay in a marriage where I wasn't receiving any affection. YANBU to not be satisfied with that, but you should have ended it a long time ago.

I don't think you're happy with your DH. Happy and contented people don't have affairs

This ^^

You really don't love your DH in the way that you should, or you wouldn't be doing this.

I couldn't consider having a sexual relationship with a man who isn't DH. No other man could measure up.

Perhaps you shouldn't be married?

And yes, ime, men who cheat on their wives tend to have a few women on the go. I bet if you got a look on his phone, you won't be the only OW in there.

user1465910683 - for what’s its worth - I am sorry people here have said a lot of nasty things about you.
The black/white view of the world only exists here in IE.

We all grow up, reading fairy tales, and books about finding the One. And about love.
And then life happens. And sometimes it goes off track.

Maybe he is the love of your life. Maybe he isn’t. Maybe it’s your H.

But the 30years of wondering must have something to it. I won’t be the one judging you for wanting to find out - and in a way that won’t lead any irreversible decisions that might hurt people unnecessarily.

(And suggesting he is after a quick sex on the side - given this back story is quite silly. There is a far easier/quicker way to get there)