Honesty always the best policy?

[OrmIrian]

Arrrrggghhhhhhhh!!!

I?m in trouble with DH because in the heat of the moment I made some comment about his family always sitting around doing nothing. Because they do. Once or twice a year MIL gets us all together?.. to sit around in her front room and do nothing. We just sit there. And doooo nothing? apart from talk and eat. I end up doing the washing up all the time because it?s so boring and I have this terrible urge to scream ?get off your ars*s and do SOMETHING?. Kids aren?t allowed to run around, make a noise or watch TV (?the grown-ups are talking?). Wouldn?t mind the talking if it was interesting but no-one apart from DH?s eldest neice ever reads anything interesting, politics is a no-no as they are all totally apolitical apart from the unpalatable views on immigrants held by MIL, all are born-again Christian (she gives my happily atheist kids Christian books and DVDs all the time - which is another discussion ). So we do small talk - for hours on end. Last time I took 5 kids with me to the park on my own because I felt so sorry for them all (and myself). And DH sits there with a face like a smacked bottom because he hates the whole thing much more than I do anyway. I make more of an effort to see MIL than he does because I feel that the kids should have a relationship with her, and I?m quite fond of her I suppose.

Argument started when DH made some vaguely whingey comments about my parents which was probably quite correct, but very unfair as they go out of their way to help us out. Mil probably would but she doesn?t drive.

Anyway I apologised to ease the atmosphere a little (he?s still a bit sniffy with me this morning) But I didn?t want to because it was true and I have really really wanted to say it for ages. Should you always rein in the truth with your loved ones? Or is honesty the best policy when it comes to minor gripes?

God... I dunno what to say. I suppose I would try to get out of going.

Honesty often not best policy. I get irationally annoyed when dh criticises my mother (even when warranted), can't explain why and it is better for both of us if he leaves well alone - I know how he feels and him spelling it out just results in a row.

Umm. I don't think it's always best to be honest - in this case, your honesty just hurt peoples feelings. It wasn't constructive or called for. MIL and her family probably see these get togeathers as a chance for all the extended family to relax, chat, eat some nice food and re-establish the links. She/they prob feel that the chatting is enough, they are comfortably on the sofa, what more do you want? (her thinking). My MIL does very similar things, the cousins come round, the children do get bored and make a show and yell a bit, but it's taken in good humour, evryone drinks gallons of tea, and you have to prise them all off the sofas at like midnight. Everyone loves it. I do find it all a bit much sometimes, but it's what they do. I dont have family near me, so I think that any chance to know them is better than none, even if MIL does drive me up the wall sometimes. I've never ever come across a family who 'talk' about politics or current affairs etc, you talk about your fam, what you're up to, the neighbours, holidays and shite like that. On the other hand, is there any way you can bring quiet toys like pencils etc for your DC, or maybe organise the next get togeather as a lunch out somewhere, or even picnic in your garden, so the children can relax, and the family can sit and chat? It's certainly an unfair set up for the children, so maybe organising something more child-centred would be better and more fun for you? If it's only 1-2 times a year, I think you may just have to stick it out. My parents DO loads, but they arent perfect either, and I'm sure my DH could say stuff that'd upset me, about them.. Sorry, but it seems to be one of those things where either you try to organise it yourself, or just put up with it. Or else leave early? No need to stay till the bitter end, it might be better than hiding in the kitchen, which will certainly have got you noticed..as not wanting to talk to people.. not a good thing really, even if it seems the only way to keep your sanity. So sorry, but good luck resolving it all the best you can.

gooseyloosey - I got irratonally annoyed when DH critisised my parents which is what caused me to make the comment. So i guess you are quite right.

luxmum - beleive me I put up with it and have never raised an objection before. We've been together for 20 years give or take and I have never once mentioned that it drives me up the wall. My children aren't good at sitting and playing quietly especially now that they are older and they have their cousins with them! They manage it for a while and then start to get fed up.

I wasn't acutally asking for advice with regard to this situation - it's under control more or less and I do just shut up and put up - but more a general question as to whether you are ever justified in being honest when it might be hurtful.

Yes, once or twice a year isn't much is it. Plus, character building for your sprogs - I spent many a long dark teatime of the soul at some distant relative's house: sitting quietly with a glass of orange squash and a fig roll and listening distantly to the nonsense-talk of the grownups around me.

Sometimes I take criticism of my family quite well, whereas other times I get defensive, and I think most people are the same. It depends on whether someone is agreeing or disagreeing with me, I guess! Re: my husband's family, I probably wouldn't tell him about every single thought I've ever had about them, but I have been critical sometimes. I think the reason I get away with this is he knows I love them loads - they've always made me feel welcome and included, and as a consequence we're all quite close. So if I sound off from time to time he doesn't see it as an attack.

i have got the pil from hell to much of a long story to go into but believe me they are terrible.

one day when dd1 was just a few weeks old we went to visit and i sat in there stinking living room hating every second,
dh kept on going into the kitchen and leaving me on my own so when ever his parents left the room i was pulling faces and sticking my fingers up. there precious dog tried mounting my leg so i kicked it of me and told it to f**k off, then dh came through on his own and asked me to go to the shops with him and leave dd with his parents, he was told to get lost no way would i leave my dd with them blah blah blah.

just as we were finally leaving his dad pointed to the video camera in the corner and told me that they had been recording me the wholetime, god knows why, it still seems totally bizarre to me but i would of loved to have been in the room when they played the video back

Ha! Lovemybed..... that would have been a family video to cherish forever . MIL has aquired a leg-humper recently - she looks after her grandsons dog during the day. When DH objects to be humped by said canine his mother tells the dog "It's OK Jack....he's another one that doesn't like dogs". No, he does like dogs he just doesn't appreciate being forced into an intimate relationship with one....