Our relationship is all but over but I don't know what to do next.

[oopsydoo]

Me and my partner have been together 9 years. The past year has been diabolical. We have 3 dc and since the youngest was born we have done nothing but argue. We can’t agree on anything and are clearly making each other miserable. We have tried to make it work for the sake of the children but nothing we try makes things any better. The problem is he won’t move out and I have spoken to the local council and they have said that they cannot rehouse me as I am not homeless. I don’t want to make me and the dc homeless as I would be terrified that we won’t get anywhere to live. What can I do?

Life is really hard when you have tiny children, I loathed dh when they were small. Why won’t he move out? Could you talk to him about it?
Is he doing it to be difficult?

He says why should he move out? Which is so frustrating as it’s a 3 bedroom house.

How do you respond when he asks you why should he move out?.

What is the situation re the property; is there for instance a tenancy agreement in both names?

Any long relationship will have good years and bad years (my grandparents used to say good decades and bad decades!)
There is not much detail in your post. Are you certain that this isn't one of those 'for worse' times?

The tenancy is in both our names. He’s never told me to leave. I think he is happy for me to stay as I do everything around the house. Since our youngest was born I’ve done all the night feeds and cared for all 3 children with very little help from him. He was great when our first 2 were babies but not now. He’s become verbally abusive and has changed so much. I’m putting it down to stress but it’s not good for our dc to grow up seeing us act like this.

Is there any way to move the children into one room, just while you figure things out, and sleep in your own room? Or the youngest could stay with you?

It sounds like he isn’t taking any responsibility for your family, or the state of your relationship. Does that sound accurate? Why do you think that might be?

At the moment our two dd are In one room and I co sleep with ds. It has been this way since ds was born. He insisted he should have his own room as he didn’t want to be disturbed in the night as he has to go to work. I thought that was quite reasonable but now I’m back at work part time and I still don’t get any help if the dc wake up through the night. He has become very selfish and thinks everyone should cater for his needs.

Is counselling a possibility? How does he react when you ask him for help? Do you have any outside support from family or friends?
It is bloody hard.

He’s not willing to have counselling. He will help if I ask but very begrudgingly and it usually results in an argument so I tend to try and do everything myself. We have not help from anyone. We have not done anything as a couple for over 6 years!

Stop doing things for him. No washing /ironing /cooking etc. Has he got a dm? Are your finances organised?

Absolutely stop doing anything for him.
Disengage as much as possible.
Don't interact with him at all, unless you have really have to.
How long left on the tenancy?
Can you get in touch with the land lord and tell him you want to terminate and then find a different property?

Did he want number 3? Could resentment come from the fact that he thought 2 was enough, despite going along with it?

Doesn't make his behaviour right, but could explain it.

I would feel rather petty not doing his dinner and washing etc as it would mean we waste a lot of food if we cook separately and the washing machine would be used more. That might sound silly but we need every penny at the minute. I don’t think he resents ds but he’s definitely not as involved.

Do you still love him?

I still care about him and would worry about him if I left as he has health problems that I think would deteriorate if he lived alone.

If your relationship is definitely over, i would turn up at the council's office with a few over night bags and say your partners kicked you out, your homeless.
If there's really nothing they can do (doubt it as they have a responsibility to house young children) then go back home and your DP is none the wiser.

Then i would do operation sabotage, be a total bitch. If you keep doing his dinner and washing he'll stay where he is. If your not there to cook his dinner, he probably won't cook just for himself, he'll do toast etc or eat out.

Could you move out & he have care of the children?

Start living separate lives as much as you can

Stop doing everything for him, start paying half the bills. Treat him like a flatmate.

So effectively you have another child. But it doesn't look like this one is going to grow up.

And certainly nothing will change until you start to do something different, which may mean not doing something you have been in the habit of doing.