Help around the house

[bunny85]

Hi, I wonder if I could get some opinions on whether our home set up is fair or not. I'm SATM and we have 1 DS who is nearly 2. My husband runs his own business which is going well but is incredibly stressful. He leaves at 7.30-8am and comes home around 7pm (sometimes stays late) and also works every Saturday until about 2-3, sometimes later if needed. He doesn't do much around the house, he does gardening, all DIY, puts the bins out and baths our son almost every night when he's home(sometimes he stays behind with work or if he's out). So I do cleaning, cooking, washing and obviously all the childcare. He also goes out once or twice a week to have a drink in a pub. He says I should go out too and he's happy to look after our son, but I haven't been going out much (the reason is my friends all live faraway but maybe I should go out on my own more often, that's true). When he is at home he plays with ds and can occasionally help with something minor but I don't really ask, he comes home very tired and we have dinner and then he usually watches TV or reads news or whatever. On Sundays I don't really cook as we usually go out. He earns quite good money and I have his credit card and he has never asked me what I spend and I can buy whatever I like or need and he never questions. It's just the house chores that I wonder about, should he help more? I see so many posts on here that men and women should contribute equally, please could someone give their opinion. Many thanks.

You have to look at if it works for you op.
If your not happy then you need to tackle it. If it suits you. Your DH and your life then why do other peoples opinions matter?

Thank you, this is because I want to understand if it would be unreasonable to ask him to help more

Given this particular set of circumstances, I'd say it's fine but that's just imho. If I worked for 12 hrs a day outside the home and was expected to pick up a hoover at night when my oh had been at home all day with 1 child, I wouldn't be too chuffed. Are you happy with it or do you feel resentful though?

DH used to work similar hours to your DH. He did slightly less around the house than your DH. We also have 3 dc and I worked 16 hours a week.

I think your DH does plenty considering the hours he works.

Personally, I think it's unreasonable to work 6 days a week and still take an evening out of every week for drinks at the pub with friends rather than being home and part of family life. My dh runs his own business as well, which involved working evenings and some weekends. I also work full-time. But either of us might be an evening out or a night away like 3-4 times a year. Because we make sure we're home for family things and we work in the evenings after our dd has gone to bed or occasional early mornings on the weekend (and then are back in time to still have a whole day together as a family). But this means my dh is here for breakfast and sometimes the school run and back home to do the washing up and help me cook dinner at 5.

I think the question is, does it work for you? I think when both of you are home, then it should be shared 50-50 (obviously there's loads of time during the day when you are home getting things done though, but I mean in the evenings and weekends, no one should be reading or watching tv while the other does everything around the house). And I think getting things done at home, whether household chores or parenting, comes before going to the pub, so I would expect him to plan his work so he can be home and part of family life more and give up weekly nights out. But that's just me and how we do things in our house. We do both get time to ourselves, but it's not a standing appointment every week while the other runs around and does everything. So that would bother me. But it's up to you if it bothers you. If you have the money, I would get a cleaner or something and free yourself up to have more quality time together if you feel you need more help and changing his schedule is tricky.

It sounds like an fairly even split as it is right now.
He sounds like a good man TBH.
And definitely get out at least 1 evening a week.
Find a class, yoga or a dance class or an educational class and do that.
You'll meet people and just have a bit down time for you.
Take him up on that offer.
You can get lonely as a SAHM if you don't get out and about on your own a bit.

He gets time away every day pretty much and even when he's home it sounds like he's never fully responsible for the little one on his own. My DH is not dissimilar but I've been working on this. You're carrying all the stress and mental load of running the home and almost all the physical work. He works a lot of hours but so do you! Outside of working hours the work should be split in my opinion - let's not pretend looking after a two year old is less exhausting than running a business!

I think he does plenty. My DH does the same kind of hours and doesn’t do anything really. Doesn’t do bath time even if he is home and should do bins but doesn’t. He’s knackered and has a lot of pressure on him so I don’t get too upset about it. If I feel overwhelmed I have to tell him.
If you’re happy then it’s good. If you’re not then it’s a problem!

You both work, you in the home and him to bring the money in. Personally I cannot see why you are complaining as he offers you the opportunity to go out and have some you time. On top of the hours he works you still want him to contribute more to the house work when he comes home tired. If you want him to help even more have you considered getting yourself an evening job since you seem to think he should have the energy to do more.

If he's earning quite well, insist on getting a cleaner in to take some load off you.

Why don't you tell us more about why you're unhappy with the split?

Because for all looking after a 2yo is a full time job, actually housework, shopping, cooking and some life admin is not hard to fit in with one child (they like joining in!) for 2 adults and 1 child isn't that much to do.

I think it's fair that you do the housework.
So I wonder if this post is coming more because you don't actually want to be full time housekeeper.
Or perhaps whilst it's fair to clear up the "normal" mess, he's actually wantonly creating a shitstorm and making you feel like staff.

That's why I think it might help to explain more why you think it's a problem.

Oh he's tired? Because running around after a toddler all day every day is all Netflix and cake, right? Do me a favour.

My DH does more than this despite working bloody hard, and I've still had a big chat with him recently as there are certain essential things he's just completely avoided for a year so all the responsibility is on me for those things which isn't on really.

We were in almost exactly the same situation.
You say that the business is doing well, so use the money to buy time and not things.
Once our business started to go well we decided to buy time for ourselves. We have been fortunate to be able to pay people to look after the garden, clean the windows, iron clothes and babysit one night a week.
It has helped us and could be worth looking into.

Thank you to everyone who replied. To answer few questions, no he doesn't make any mess, he usually puts his dirty clothes in the laundry basket and dirty dishes in the sink and even wipes the shower screen after taking shower (not without few requests from me in the beginning but now don't need to remind him).

As for whether I like the way things are or not, I don't mind having a bit of a career break as my job is very demanding and emotionally I am happy to have a bit of rest from it. I am not sure whether it's the physical and mental difficulty of doing everything on my own that's upsetting me or just the mere fact that it could be unfair.

As for him going out so often, that's clearly too much, but it is one of those things he isn't going to change and that was made clear so I just have to accept it as he does have quite a few redeeming qualities that make it worth it. Plus I love him. Last night I told him that if I was to go back to work we'd have to hire a cleaner on a regular basis and he didn't mind. And taking some of your advices, I might even do it before I go back to work if I find myself really struggling. But it was really helpful to see other people's perspectives on thisthank you ladies.

If he was working 'normal' office hours fulltime he'd be expected, rightly, to carry more of the household burden. He can't but it sounds like the payoff is healthy finances. It seems logical that since a greater domestic burden falls on you as a result, some of that money should be used to ease the burden - such as getting a cleaner.

I think the split is equal. The only thing you need to do is see your friends more

I have a really similar set up to you re my OH's working hours, running own business etc and I am a SAHM. He doesn't do any cleaning and I make the evening meal most nights but he often cooks at the weekend, will put a load of washing on unprompted, loves bathing our DD and is just generally very appreciative of the role I play in keeping our home tidy and looking after the 3 DC's. In turn I am appreciative of the work he does and the fact that I can be a SAHM and don't have to go out to work.
It sounds like you are happy with the balance you've got, if it works for you then stick at it