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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Have a four month old baby, don't love partner

23 replies

shreddies · 16/04/2007 09:56

I'm so unhappy, I have a four month old baby and dp and I have practically stopped talking to each other. There have always been flaws in our relationship - just after dd was born things were great, but I am beginning to feel more and more that we are not compatible and frankly, feel lonely most of the time.

We have a wedding booked for August and at the moment I cannot see how we can stand up in front of all the people we love and promise to be together for the rest of our lives. DP maintains that everything is fine, and that you can choose to be happy. I feel so trapped.

My instinct is that we should let each other go but we have dd to think about, she adores dp and he adores her. Is there any way we can make it work?

OP posts:

maveta · 16/04/2007 09:58

Yes, if he admit all is NOT fine and that you both have to work on the issues in order to try and get over them. If he refuses to see that there is even a problem you´re just going to become more and more unhappy..

Scootergirl · 16/04/2007 10:06

Is there any chance you could be suffering from some post-natal depression? It's so horrid when you feel like that and it might be that there's a physical cause that can be helped as well as the emotional aspect.

Original poster

shreddies · 16/04/2007 10:16

I don't think so scootergirl, I feel fine, and we've been here before. TBH if it wasn't for the planned wedding we could keep pootling along, but it is bringing everything to a head

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Scootergirl · 16/04/2007 10:24

Would you be able to postpone the wedding without too much bother? Or has it all gone too far along?
If it's any help, I thought I was fine when I has my DS but looking back and talking to people about how I was in the early months, I was fairly depressed but never did anything about it.
It was just when you said you were so unhappy and felt so trapped, I thought I might point to something else.
I can remember telling my health visitor at the time that I clearly wasn't depressed because if everyone else (DH and DD included!) would just bugger off and leave me and DS to get on with it, we'd be fine

MissGolightly · 16/04/2007 10:28

Is there any chance that you could postpone the wedding? I just wonder if the hormones and the wedding planning and the new baby and everything coming together is partly what is making you feel trapped - circumstances more than the relationship itself...? Perhaps if you postpone the wedding for a year it would help you to work out what you really want, rather than feeling you are under a deadline.

MissGolightly · 16/04/2007 10:31

sorry, x-posted with Scootergirl!

Please, please don't underestimate the amount of hormones swilling about in your body. Even if it's not bad enough to call it true PND, they can make you feel mildly weird and unable to cope, and depress your libido.

iwouldgoouttonight · 16/04/2007 10:33

Is this your first child Shreddies? Getting used to having a baby to look after can put a strain on you relationship so if things had been a bit unstable before then it might have brought things to a head. I found for the first few months of having DS my relationship with my DP was very hard - the baby always comes first so there's often little time to spend with each other doing things you enjoy together, along with the tiredness, etc. all can be quite stressful so you sometimes really have to work at the relationship. I felt quite down when I was on my own with DS and thought I was unhappy with DP but it is sorting itself out now (DS is 8 months now).

I'd say to give it a bit of time before you make any big decisions - difficult I know if you have the wedding planned - is everything booked and paid for? Have you told DP how unhappy you are? Surely he can't think everything is fine if you're thinking of calling things off? I'd try and talk things through and try to give things a go, then if things still aren't right maybe postpone the wedding for a while?

iwouldgoouttonight · 16/04/2007 10:34

Sorry I cross posted too!

mylittlestar · 16/04/2007 11:08

have you seen this thread hopefully there's some comments there that could help you?

I posted earlier and I would probably post exactly the same advice to you. A very young baby does change everything and is such a stressful time.

I'd probably postpone the wedding if I were you. I agree that you can not, and should not, take that committment unless you are 100% sure it's what you want. Don't worry about what anyone else may say or think. It's your life. You must do what's best for you, your dp and your dd.

In the meantime, can you get some relationship counselling and spend lots and lots of quality time with your dp talking through every single thing and trying to work through it together? Could it be pre-wedding jitters??

This time next year you may be 100% happy, all your issues sorted, and looking forward to a fabulous wedding with your dp. Just give yourself the time and space to get there and get some 3rd party help if you can. Only you can decide what is best for you. So don't be pressured into making major decisions at such a fragile and difficult time.

mylittlestar · 16/04/2007 11:12

btw when I say do what's best for you, your dp and your dd, that doesn't necessarily mean you MUST stay togther and make your relationship work.
Getting married may not be for the best in the end - it will not be best for dp or dd if you go through with the wedding and then end up bitter, resentful, and filing for divorce.

Just give yourself the time to work things out and see if you and dp can address your issues and be happy again.
(His dismissive attitude is particularly unhelpful here. If he won't go to counselling I'd suggest you go alone to at least work out what it is you want.)

But make sure you both really talk about all of this. It's the only way to get through xx

Original poster

shreddies · 16/04/2007 11:40

Hallo, yes first child. DP is a wonderful dad, absolutely adores her, says he wants to be a SAHD - don't know how we would work out custody issues. Anyway, we don't go out just the two of us, but dd is an easy baby, so we do have a lot of time together, but we are both knackered. We've been arguing about wedding plans and hardly talk about them any more. Some deposits have been paid, but would not be the end of the world to lose that money. I just don't know how to get him to talk about it, I think he has the same feelings, but won't admit it. I did say a few months ago that I wasn't sure about getting married but it made everything worse

OP posts:

iwouldgoouttonight · 16/04/2007 11:58

It does sounds as though you should maybe postpone the wedding for a while then - then that stress would be out of the way until you're both sure you're ready. But definitely try to talk things through before you think the relationship is over. Does he know you're thinking of splitting up? Maybe he just thinks you're just going through a bad patch but if he realises how bad you think it is maybe it will make him think and want to talk about it and make it work?

mylittlestar · 16/04/2007 12:08

could you write down how you're feeling? more from the perspective of these are the things that are making me unhappy, and these are the ideas I have for us to address these issues (time out of the house with no dd so you can talk, postpone wedding, time alone together, counselling, talking etc etc)...
then give it to him to read through?

tell him you've done it because you're seriously concerned about the future of your relationship and need him to listen to your concerns.

I think you need some way of making him realise just how serious you are and either he stops burying his head in the sand and starts to talk or he risks losing you completely...

lovemybed · 16/04/2007 12:40

shreddies you have said that you are unhappy, you feel trapped, you have put a sad icon after mentioning your wedding, there have always been flaws in your relationships, you feel lonely most of the time and the biggest point you have made is in your title when you say you dont even love your partner.

i think after reading all these bits it sounds like you have come to the end of the relationship but are only staying for the sake of your daughter. your partner might be happy to just plod along the way things are but it sounds like it is making you miserable.

i would def get the wedding called of/posponed as soon as possible, that will give you one less thing to worry about, it sounds like it would be a relief to you to call the wedding of and thats why you are not to bothered about losing the money.

i dont know you apart from what is written in this so its not my place to say if this sounds like postnatel depression or not but hopefully if some of the pressure was taken of you it might let you and your partner try and work through things a bit better.

limabean · 16/04/2007 15:59

Hi Shreddies - you may have seen my thread about not loving my husband after only 11 months of marriage...the worst case scenario of getting divorced is something I can barely contemplate but I know my current situation is serious and something has to change...

My advice to you would be to definitely postpone the wedding. From my point of view I feel it has been the wrong thing for me and I feel terrible about making wedding vows such a short time ago only to be feeling like this 11 months down the line...

I feel I could have written your post myself as our situations sound so similar. Your bit about letting each other go, those words have gone round and round in my head so much lately but like you we now have a child to consider and this makes the situation so much more complicated.

I don´t really know how to advise you but just wanted to send you huge hugs as I can really empathise with how lousy you must be feeling xx

Original poster

shreddies · 16/04/2007 18:14

Hi Limabean, yes I have read your thread, and really feel for you. Can I ask, did you have doubts before you got married?

OP posts:

Wilkie · 16/04/2007 18:17

Hi Shreddies - I'm not in the same situation but your post really struck a chord.

I was with ex-DP for 5 and a half years and just knew I didn't love him for about 4 years. I felt trapped, alone and terrified of admitting the unthinkable - that I just didn't love him.

Fortunately, there were no children involved but please don't spend your life being unhappy. It just isn't worth it.

I left him eventually, we had a house together and that took a bit of untangling financially but it was the best thing I ever did. I am a different person now - so much happier.

Hope you decide whatever is best for you. {{{{Hugs}}}}

Wilkie · 16/04/2007 18:17

Hi Shreddies - I'm not in the same situation but your post really struck a chord.

I was with ex-DP for 5 and a half years and just knew I didn't love him for about 4 years. I felt trapped, alone and terrified of admitting the unthinkable - that I just didn't love him.

Fortunately, there were no children involved but please don't spend your life being unhappy. It just isn't worth it.

I left him eventually, we had a house together and that took a bit of untangling financially but it was the best thing I ever did. I am a different person now - so much happier.

Hope you decide whatever is best for you. {{{{Hugs}}}}

limabean · 16/04/2007 20:18

Yes Shreddies I did

Original poster

shreddies · 17/04/2007 08:45

Oh Limabean. I so understand where you are coming from.

I know I have to call the wedding off. Trying to pluck up the courage to have the conversation with him, didn't get a chance last night.

OP posts:

Original poster

shreddies · 17/04/2007 21:43

Just had the conversation. He was completely unsurprised, and even said do you want to cancel the wedding, to which I said I think that's something we need to think about. Really meaning yes, so I bottled it a bit. He will come to Relate so that's good. Don't know how we can save things in the long term. Both acknowledged that we're not in love, and I am really clear that the best way to kill our relationship is to get married, it would be a total trap. Perhaps we can work on things and choose to stay together without feeling tied to one another

OP posts:

MissGolightly · 17/04/2007 21:58

Oh Shreddies - sad for you but I think you have done the right thing. The important thing is that now you can concentrate on what is right for you and your baby, and not worry about the wedding hanging over you.

Good luck, I hope it works out one way or the other.

Original poster

shreddies · 17/04/2007 22:05

oh god I hope so, I was feeling all strong about it and am now wobbly again. But I do honestly think the best way to save our relationship is not to get married, or we would be building on top of a lie

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