Thinking of leaving

[Whycouldnthebedecent]

DP and I have been together for 2 years and have a DS together.

We have always had a lovely relationship, engaged to be married and he’s honestly a wonderful dad to our little boy.

Problem is, he lost his shit during an argument last week and there was a small episode of DV. Just one hit. He was immediately sorry and remorseful, takes full responsibility for his actions (although in the same breath tells me all these things I need to change about my attitude and way of thinking and approach to problems).

A week on, and I’m still struggling to know what to do in terms of where does this relationship go from here and wondering if it can be salvaged.
I told him today that I really don’t feel like we can get married and I want to cancel the wedding (to happen in 6 months) and he said we should put it back. I said I don’t want a ‘deadline’ of when this relationship should be back ‘on track’ by and at the moment this relationship goes on my terms and at my pace. He said this shows that I’m not really trying and that it’s obvious I don’t see this relationship going anywhere. I am, however, living in the same house, sleeping in the same bed, cooking and eating meals together, talking like normal with each other. So surely he must see that I am actually trying?

Sadly, I haven’t slept when he’s been here (he works shifts and slept okay when he’s been away) as I don’t feel comfortable really.

Do you reckon I’ve called it a day on the relationship but struggling to admit it to myself? Or am I genuinely okay to cancel the wedding and be entitled to some time to figure out if this relationship is going to work? Or AIBU I’m wanting to cancel the wedding and is he right that I’m not really trying?

Never saw any of this coming and I feel so let down and disappointed in him. He doesn’t think that one mistake is worth throwing or relationship away over as it was one time and it isn’t who he is a person, but I don’t know what to believe or do.

Any help or words of wisdom Will be greatly appreciated x

I'm so sorry op but he doesn't sound at all apologetic and blames you. Of course you're wary. He hit you and isn't heartbroken by it. You'd never be able to argue with him for fear of been assaulted.

Joint counselling with someone who has hit you and then tried to get you to share the blame is a terrible idea.

Being not been!

He has said he will speak to Respect (I think that’s what they’re called) but deep down I just don’t think I want to be with him anymore after this. He’s really shattered my trust. He was supposed to love me and he’s done this.

I’ve been feeling sick to my stomach for the past week now- mostly with anger/disappointment.

I’ve no doubt that he’s sorry for what he’s done but it shouldn’t have happened in the first place. Plenty of people argue without resorting to violence x

As LineysRum said - joint counselling is NOT a good idea in an abusive situation. Well done for being strong and knowing what you have to do for you and your DC - leave. Once you are out of the situation physically, you will be able to think more clearly about the way forward.

So lucky to have helpful family around you!

Is it worth giving him one more chance if he goes on a DV course
Hell NO!!!!
He's shown his true colours.
Any man who can hit the person he is supposed to love is an abuser and bully.
He's done it once.
Then told the OP that..... I need to change about my attitude and way of thinking and approach to problems
The only amount of abuse that is acceptable in any relationship is NONE!
He's done this now so that next time OP will wonder if it's her fault again.
What can SHE do to make sure it doesn't happen again.
It's how they work.

It will get worse.
DV courses don't work the majority of the time.
And even if he were to do one it takes minimum a year and he should not be with OP whilst going through it anyway.

I'm glad you've spoken to your parents about this and that they are supportive.
That's a huge step.
You know what you need to do and you are getting on with it.
Well done. Stay strong.

Thank you very much. My family are absolutely wonderful.

Viewed the house today and it’s not perfect, but it’s a lovely little house and is more than adequate for DS and I. I have a job interview on Monday for a 12 month fixed term role with a large building society who said if I’m successful they’ll probably keep in the role in 12 months time or they find somewhere else within the business for me once my contract is up if the position is no longer needed In the department (I currently work on a zero hours contract). So hoping I get it- will be the start of a a proper career with a good firm, it’s 9-5 hours which will be perfect for DS nursery times. I’ve researched the benefits I can be entitled to and used the calculator and I feel much more positive about it.

Cancelled the wedding today. Need to pay £2000 and will have lost about £4000 In total but must be better than marrying the wrong man and/or having to pay for a divorce!

Just need to sort this job business out before I can go any further xx

FYI, in rooms full of serial abusers who were asked by researchers when they start physical abuse, most gave a timeline of 18 months to 2 years. Do it any sooner, and the victim leaves or goes to the police right away. Wait that long and act remorseful after, and she'll let you stay and stay while you break her spirit. The longer you're with him, the harder it'll be to leave. He'll start manipulating you using your child, as it spirals out of control. Leave. Do it for the sake of my best friend, who stayed after "one hit." And two. And ended up murdered in front of her five year old son, bleeding to death on the sidewalk. Sure, that's the worst case scenario. But it always starts with one hit. He never hit her until they'd been together 2 years and had a child, as well.

You sound great OP. Good luck. You are doing the right thing. It will all work out for you I’m sure. Yay!

Be careful OP - this is the most dangerous time; The victim starts to think for herself, the abuser recognises that he is losing control. He professes remorse, but still blames you. He says you are not trying hard enough (to rebuild the trust he broke!). He will blame you for him being a 'part-time father' and 'not giving him another chance'. And he will blame you for 'Breaking up the family'.

All this will leave him with a 'victim' complex in which you are the abuser.

Be very careful.

2 years living together (4 years total) my fiance hit me. He would never do it again. He did. Then the one night stands started. All my fault of course. My sister got me away as I was very worn down. Happily married 17 years to a man who would never hit me. My ex? Still working in social care last I heard.

Sorry too soon...
Meant to add you are doing the right thing. Life will be so much better in the long run but he will fight to keep you and make you accept him for who he is.

Ptumbi he’s already said all those things :(

Sorry to hear that woooooo. It’s awful and I certainly don’t want all this to happen to me and my DS.

Do I even have time to get my ducks in a row???

Ducks in a row for me would be getting money out of a joint account asap, getting passport, birth certificates to my family to look after, and other certificates and documents I need. Changing passwords online he might know.

Well bloody done lady for being so proactive. It's natural to have doubts and be in shock but you're doing the right thing and that will become clearer the longer you're apart.

Lean on your family and please don't listen to him when he says he's changed and tries to guilt trip you into coming back. You did the only thing you could for your future happiness and that of your child. You're worth more in a relationship than a man who hit you and tried to blame it on you.

Thankfully we don’t have a joint account so my money is safe and he can’t access it. I’ve got all my papers and passport including my DS Birth certificate and when I go to my parents house on Saturday I’ll be taking all that with me and leaving it all there.

I’m completely heartbroken, I still can’t bekieve it’s haopening. I suppose it’s good that I’ve been brought up to think straight down the line and ‘be smart’ in relationships (although I clearly wasn’t smart enough for this one was I!?) however, I’m just trying to get everything sorted as best I can because I need some security for my child. I wonder if on Saturday we might just go to my parents and then tell him that’s it. I don’t know because I don’t want to hurt him like he’s hurt me. Everyone always tells me ‘you’re too nice!!’ But things like that just don’t sit right with me. Bloody stupid I am I know

Ptumbi he’s already said all those things yes I know. And that is why he will think of himself as the 'victim' and you as the abuser - because you are 'not trying, 'taking my child away', 'breaking up my family' and 'making him look bad'.

That's why I am saying BE CAREFUL. Don't let him find out what you are planning; don't be the 'nice guy' and simply have to tell him face to face, explaining why and when and how...

Womens Aid will have good advice on how to leave safely.