I'm 41, I have two DC and a DH but I'm so unhappy, I can't seem to pull myself together. I'm so lonely. I have no job, no money, nothing. Communicating with my DH is hard. On the surface I have it all - I live in nice house, two children at private schools, successful husband who earns a good salary but I just don't have the confidence to get a job to give me the indolence I crave, I sit at home crying in my pyjamas everyday and I look at job sites daily but rarely apply as I don't feel good enough.
When I was at school, I was always on the fringes and wasn't always invited to parties, I had friendships but they weren't close. I always wanted to please my parents. I was exceptionally pretty and bright as a little girl but struggled from year 6 onwards. I was in the top set at a good school but always at the bottom and lived in fear of the humiliation of being demoted.
At 16 a school photographer came to take photos for my school's centenary. He was a parent. He took some great photos of me in a play and my parents decide to get some professional portraits done. I became friends with his daughter who was a little younger than me and began to model for him, gradually with fewer and fewer clothes. I was very distracted during my GCSE's and A'levels. I also got my first boyfriend at 17 and slept with him.
Shortly after my A'levels (which I did rather badly in) I went round to the photographer's houses he'd offered to teach me photography. I admired him he took good photos and had done some interesting photojournalism work in the 70s and 80s on torture. Anyway he physically assaulted me while telling me about how his wife (my friend's mother) had committed suicide when my friend was two. I'd always wanted to know what happened to her mother. The memory is still raw and vivid, I was working in the darkroom, it was hot, he suggested I take off my clothes, I was a bit uneasy but did, while doing so he came upstairs, and told me to sit down on the loo seat while he shaved off all my pubic hair with a cut throat razor. He had awful coffee breath, I then went to the bedroom with him and he fingered me, all the while talking about his ex-wife. It was confusing, I didn't want him to touch me but just couldn't say no, also my body just responded even though I didn't want it to. Just before I came, I closed my legs got up and got dressed.
Ironically my parents were away at the time and I was staying with a friend, I never liked her mother and never said anything. Next day my teenage boyfriend came around and wanted to have sex, he thought the shaved pubic hair was cool. I didn't say no even though I didn't want to, but said at the last minute, I couldn't go through with it and why. He rolled over and threw me on the floor, calling me a whore. I remember grovelling there naked saying I was sorry.
Two days later my parents returned and two weeks after that I started at University, in another country far from home. I never said anything to my parents then. At university I slept around a lot, even though I was still with my boyfriend from school, who joined me at the same university after a year. My self-esteem was low I contemplated suicide, became super thin and didn't work very hard but just enough to keep going.
Roll on 23 years and I'm still a mess, I'm never quite living in the moment. I had lots of sexual partners, over 80 I can remember, some I can't. There was another sexual assault from a colleague but I don't really remember what happened, it was in an empty house and the only reason I know he had sex with me is I smelled it the next day.
In terms of work, I had a job that was ok but I was not really that engaged with, and a series of rather unpleasant boyfriends.
I met DH 10 years ago and fell for him because he is very steady, honourable and at the time I was flat broke after being made redundant a few times. He offered such stability and love, but we've grown apart and he has little interest in sex, which I crave but equally don't want. We haven't slept together in over three years. I hate my body now which is no longer a tiny size 8.
My DC are wonderful but I feel like I'm not a great Mum as I'm often distant and distracted. DH works very hard and doesn't help with childcare. He earns a lot but his family are frugal and although he gives me an allowance it's not much, recently I've got some debt just to the kids basic things (winter clothes etc), I'm not profligate. I need to get a job and some self respect back but I feel like I'm stuck in concrete. I want to be a good role model for my kids but I just can't. I'm on anti-depressants and have a had CBT, although I've never been able to talk about what I wrote about above. I haven't even told my DH, and don't feel I can. If it wasn't for the two small people I need to collect from school son, I honestly think I'd top myself.
Sorry this is so long and rambling but I'm at a really low ebb.