If your DP doesn't want children, how do you accept this and not destroy the relationship with resentment?

[Atanimpasse]

Posting here in the hope someone can offer some words of wisdom.

In a nutshell - I'm 35. I have a sixteen year old daughter (who I had when I was just nineteen - her father has never been involved). A few years ago I met my incredible DP (who's just turned 45) - he has two teenage children who live with their mother. DP is wonderful - I could never have imagined meeting and being with someone I love so much and who loves me.

Here's the issue - I find myself thinking more and more about children. Having never been in a position to plan a child, give birth with a partner, raise a child together - it's something which is taking up more and more of my thoughts. I'll be 36 in a few months and I feel like time is running out. It's not that I want any baby, I want DP's baby. I've seen what an amazing father he is to his two children and I want to have a baby with him, or at least to talk about it.

However, DP cannot think about having another child at the moment. His divorce is not finalised and is causing endless stress and one of his children is seriously ill with the possibility that the illness will be terminal. At the moment it depends of treatment and waiting and seeing what happens.

So the timing is terrible. He is stressed out. He is emotionally drained, as am I. All he can say is that he doesn't know how he might feel in the future, but at present he can't consider anything to do with having more children. He doesn't want to say that he'll discuss in the future (in six or nine months for example), as he says that just adds further pressure on him which he doesn't need.

I'm conscious that I'm getting older and my fertility is potentially declining on a daily basis. I can't discuss anything without it upsetting both of us, but I can't just put up and shut up indefinitely without any form of resolution. I said yesterday that it just feels like he wants to stall until I'm infertile anyway, then the decision is made.

I don't want to break up the relationship - I want to be with him, not anyone else. But I don't know how I can avoid resentment creeping in, since ultimately he has the final say in this. There is no compromise. As irrational as it is, I just feel second best to his ex - he had children with her, why won't he have them with me? Is it that I'm not good enough? And I know that's not the reason - he's older, he has children, he has so much stress - but to me it feels like a rejection of me.

He has every right to feel like he does and me putting additional pressure on him isn't helpful. But it's just completely wearing me out emotionally. Colleagues are getting pregnant, friends are asking if we'll have a baby, I see pregnant women everywhere, I dream about being pregnant. It's just consuming me more and more. I don't want to jeopardise the relationship but can't get past these feelings. If I was ten years, or even five years younger, then I could wait and see what happens. But I don't have that luxury.

If anyone has any wisdom, please please share it as at the moment I just feel stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Are you sure that having "his" baby is not you showing his wife that he is yours now and oh look I'm good enough to have his kid?

You seem to hold a lot of resentment for her and I wonder why, I assume he must also have contact with her with regards his ill child. You are in danger of pushing an agenda on to a man who is under unimaginable stress, whilst hearing you whine about how insecure you feel.

This is all on you op, he hasn't done anything to warrant any of this, please see someone to talk this through, you don't need to have his baby to keep him, unless you were the other woman.

Some of the replies on here are horrible!

OP, IMO it's completely understandable that you're having feelings of rejection & of being second best whilst at the same time acknowledging that these feelings are unfair.

I think that despite all the horrible things your partner is going through, ultimately you have to look after yourself and make a decision on what you're going to do based on what you can be happy with.

As others have suggested, have a 'deadline' in your head and try your best to leave it in the background in the meantime and concentrate on you and your DP. Alternatively, if even this is too difficult for you and you need to know before this, I'd say you have your answer.

I'd also say that you can only go off what you know at the moment rather than second guessing what might happen in the future- so I would see if you can come to terms with not having another child- what that would feel like, what your life would be like, what it would be like telling others that you're not having any more children, etc. If you live the next 6 months or longer depending on the chance that he'll change his mind , you could be in for real heartbreak.

Also also (sorry)- the biggest factor when determining fertility is age, and egg freezing success rates are not high

You have a child, two step children and a man that you love dearly. You have more than millions of people have. You should start focussing on the positive things and stop focussing on what you want more. There are so many people who are single (not by choice) or who will never have children. You are already blessed, try to see it that way.

Do you want to borrow my 13 month old twins for a week? That should do the trick.

Sorry. Just kidding.

I think you need to decide what matters more to you and make the decision accordingly. Loving someone isn't enough.

If you are resenting him for not wanting a child when his reasons are so genuine then I don’t know how you can stop resenting him.

You need to accept that his reasons are incredibly valid. If you are resenting him when he has a child who is seriously ill then I’m afraid that you are going to end up ruining your relationship.

@HotNatured

I'm curious, did your DH know this before you got married?

@TammyswansonTwo

That made me laugh.

He only gets the final say on him having another child, not you.

And how you can resent someone whose child might be dying is beyond me.

Pressurising someone who doesn't want another child, to have another child, is one of the best ways of destroying a relationship. I was on the other side of this and bitterly resented the pressure DH put on me. I lost all respect for him and ended up really disiking him.

I think you either have to accept his decision, or leave. If you don't he may well leave you.

Could you maybe get some fertility tests to make sure you are still fertile, don't mention it to your partner but at least that way you will feel your actually doing something without putting pressure on your partner?
This was me a few months again so I totally get where you are coming from, I also felt that my partner was delaying the decision so I was then infertile, which obviously wasn't the case but that is how I felt.
I was willing to leave that relationship though, and there wasn't a divorce, sick child etc. he just didn't want to make the decision.
Maybe once you have the tests you can then decide what to do then.

Can you for just a moment imagine how his wife is also feeling? I had a very sick child. Exh was with ow. If she had got pregnant during the time I needed him to concentrate on our sick daughter I could never have forgiven either of them. He sounds a decent man. One who is probably terrified right now that his child might die. The last thing on his mind should be reproducing to keep his gf happy

I think some counselling might help, somewhere you can talk it through in a non judgemental environment. You sound really nice, you know that your partner is not being unreasonable but you are struggling with how YOU feel. Seek some support from a qualified therapist

I'd also really stop fretting quite so much re. your fertility at 36 too. I'm also 36 with 2 young Dc's, a 3rd is still a possibility for us and I'll only really think about this towards the end of my 37th year. I'm not really worried at all that fertility will be an issue, I conceived both my 2 young DC with no bother so maybe I'm naive but so many of my friends/NCT all convinced with not much issue well into late 30s, its often my younger friends who struggle.

Make sure you keep as healthy as possible. Back off with any talk now/while his young child is so ill.
But I'd have it in mind to talk about again maybe half way into your 37th year?

@lilybetsy agree

@namechange2222 You make a very good point.

The advice I was given when desperate to start fertility treatment but unable to for several reasons was to find a big project to bury myself in. Study, a new skill, etc. Something I could pick up whenever I ended up focused on babies. I decided to learn dressmaking (which also helped when babies came up because I could focus on what I could make for them). I also added in some health improvements & really focused on finances.

I second what Jenala said.

I completly understand where your coming from. I too am feeling the broody vibe. I no it's completly the wrong time for us but when your biological clock is ticking you can't just switch off.

Good luck op

I think you have to be very logical about it:
Do you want to be with him if you don't ever have children together?
If yes, then that's fine, do a project to take your mind off it, hope he changes his mind before it's too late (you have a few years left, it might happen) but ultimately if you want to be with him anyway regardless then it won't matter.
If no, then you shouldn't stay with him.
Personally I think if you are feeling resentment then I don't think you do want to be with him regardless. But only you can work out if that's true in your case. Talking things over with a counsellor may help clarify your feelings.

I can imagine how frustrating it must be to really want a child with him but it being totally the wrong time to discuss it. It means you have no answer, even if the answer isn't what you want to hear. Also, some of your underlying reasons for wanting his baby may be worth exploring with a counsellor to try and make sense of them. There's a lot going on there that seems less about being broody and more to do with competition with his ex. You might find that looking into those helps you settle until the timing is better.

Would it help to make a mental time scale, such as no discussions until after his divorce (when will that be?) and until more is known about the health of his child? Of course, if his child dies then you have to factor in the grieving process to this time scale. Only you know whether this will work for you though, but it might help focus things in your mind a little and allow you to switch off perhaps.

Of course, he may also be one of these men who would stall on the issue even if he didn't have 2 massively stressful events in his life. Who knows.

Poor bloke .

If I were your DP, my patience with your self-centred, inconsiderate and insensitive behaviour would be wearing very thin.

If you want your relationship to continue, you need to back right off and support your DP through his daughter's illness.

If you don't want your relationship to continue, carry on doing what you're doing.

I think his ill child is actually a red herring. He's 45, he has 2 children. He's done with having children. Waiting 6 months, 2 years etc as PPs suggest isn't going to make any difference. Holding out the hope that he will change his mind in the future would be futile and just lead to further unhappiness for you IMO.

You are 10 years younger. Your baby days are not necessarily over. But they will be if you stay with him.

So, you face a very stark choice. Him or more children. It sounds like you are choosing him. I think that is the wrong choice, but of course, it's up to you.

Wouldn't it be lovely if there was some magic fix to make you not regret this and resent him to some extent? But I doubt it. Counselling may help. Counting your blessings is good advice but not always easy. I'm a great believer in the necessity of a rewarding career for a woman's happiness and sense of fulfilment.

Hedda So, you face a very stark choice. Him or more children. It sounds like you are choosing him. I think that is the wrong choice, but of course, it's up to you.

Bollocks. The OP has made it clear she doesn't want ANY baby, she only wants her partner's baby.

I suspect it highly unlikely he is going to want any more children at all but obviously he isn't going to remotely think about that for some considerable time. As he is totally and utterly right to do.

The OP should probably have some counselling. But if she genuinely doesn't want any baby, only his, her choice is as follows:

a) Stay with a decent loving man and her 16-year old daughter
b) Leave and be on her own with her 16-year old daughter

A sounds the right move to me, but she needs to learn how to accept this is how it is going to be, hence counselling

How is it you have been together for years but his divorce isnt even final yet.

Is there more going on here to fuel your feelings?

I was thinking the same NamasteNiki. Bit odd to have been together for years yet his divorce isn't finalised. If they split amicably you'd expect it to have been done quickly but why hasn't it.

Either way you're a bit selfish to be basically demanding a child from a man who is about to possibly lose one of his. How would you feel if your child was dying and your partner demanded he get you pregnant so you can have a family of your own?

Is this about a child or is it about how much time I'm guessing he is spending with his previous family? Do you subconsciously want something to tie him to you so he doesn't go back to his ex, ie the baby? Is that the real reason why you feel second best, because he is spending time in hospital with his ex and daughter?

If you want another baby just because you feel you're running out of time, then your only solution is to leave him and find someone else. Having one with him is very wrong and not in any way helpful to his current situation.

If you want to stay with him, then you're going to have to give up the idea and stop thinking about it. Spend time with your current child and support him while he deals with his child's illness. There's nothing more you can do.