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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Finally admitted to myself I don´t love my husband - only married 11 months

23 replies

limabean · 15/04/2007 22:57

We only got married last May after 10 years together. Big mistake. He is a wonderful person but I feel we are more like brother and sister.
Since having my DS 4 months ago I feel I have no love left to give him and realise we should never have got married in the first place.
I really don´t know what to do as the last thing I want is for my DS to be without his dad, I would hate that more than anything. I feel so awful as I know that if I told him how I really felt it would kill him but I don´t know how much longer I can go on pretending everything is OK s it´s anything but...
I would find it very difficult to talk to anyone about this so am relying on you wonderful Mumsnetters for some advice...

OP posts:

colditz · 15/04/2007 23:03

My advice would be to go to Relate. Go an your own if you don't think he would take kindly to it, but do go. Just to make sure of your feelings.

Because wouldn't it be awful if, 6 months after splitting up, you realised you did love him?

ninja · 15/04/2007 23:03

Can't help but know the feeling.

Do you think you're going to spend the whole time looking for someone to fall in love with? Do you think you could spend the rest of yor life with a friend - lots of people do?

What about relate?

The other thing is that are you sure it's ot just having a small kid - I think these feelings might be more common than you think, especially when you've been with your h for so long and it's such a change.

colditz · 15/04/2007 23:05

Oh, and failing a MAJOR relationship breakdown, don't make any decisions until your baby is 1.

Because babies can leach the love out of you a bit, they do (bless them) take so much from you. I certainly used to feel at the end of the day that if anyone else touched me I would scream.

clutteredup · 15/04/2007 23:10

I had PND after DC1 and was convinced I didn't love DH - fortunately 6 years and 2 more DCs later we're still together - he must love me and I know I do love him now. How do you feel about everything else or are you using him as a focus, check your feelings towards everything else too, if suspicious talk to your Dr or HV about possible PND. Just a thought I had it for over a year undiagnosed and it was awful so if it's a possibility please do think about getting help.

expatinscotland · 15/04/2007 23:12

PLEASE get some professional help!

Start w/your GP. You may be depressed.

Please try to get some counselling, too.

10 years together is a long time.

mummytosteven · 15/04/2007 23:13

agree with Expat. Having a new baby can play havoc with the best of sex lives/sex drives.

Original poster

limabean · 15/04/2007 23:20

I have seen a counsellor in the past for depression and other difficulties and I found it did help me so I´m not against seeking that kind of help again.

However we are living abroad at the moment and that kind of help isn´t as readily available.

Some days I just feel like scooping my beautiful baby up in my arms and leaving but I don´t want to break up our family, I´d never forgive myself

OP posts:

PinkTulips · 15/04/2007 23:29

as colditz said... try an make sure it's not just the fact that you have a new baby...... i know i certainly have felt like i don't love dp plenty of times over the last 2 years... it's the exhaustion that does it.

maximummummy · 15/04/2007 23:33

don't rush into anything . . you have a young baby and that makes life a struggle with the easiest of babies . . . i think you should talk to gp or hv about possibility of PND . . .also try and get some you time . . GOOD LUCK

tribpot · 15/04/2007 23:41

I think what you're feeling is normal. Horrendous, but normal.

I'm sure there will be services you can access locally. I know what it's like to be trying to do this - or anything - in a foreign country, but please don't rule it out. We can find you something, I'm sure of it.

Everything you're saying is exactly how I felt, and I was in the UK. Don't assume it's because you're abroad, or can't be fixed because you are.

dumbymummy · 15/04/2007 23:42

Lima, you've said several times in your posts that breaking up the family and leaving your ds without a full-time father is the last thing you want. Then please take my advice, and don't. When my ds was born, I went through something very similar. My dp's head looked so enormous against my little baby's head that I went through a phase of finding him physically repulsive. Still do, sometimes, especially when he farts, but that's for another time.

Raising a baby is bloody hard work. Where-ever possible, you've got to try and make it work with two. And strange though this may seem in the modern era, it isn't necessary to be madly in love with your partner to get through your life happily. Nor is it probably very healthy!!

VeniVidiVickiQV · 15/04/2007 23:44

Ditto what expat said. sounds like depression to me.

Sakura · 16/04/2007 00:50

I know how youre feeling limabean. I think that what dumbymummy says is really good advice. That mad, passionate, Hollywood love is actually based on neediness and co-dependance, and doesnt even work practially in our daily lives, especially with children.I understand the feeling of wanting "more" between you and DH, but its also easy to overlook their good points. Is he a good dad? DOes he provide financially? Does he treat you with respect? These qualities are easily underestimated.

On the other hand though, some women say they feel free after leaving their other half, and they do say a happy mum=happy baby.

How about setting yousrself a date on a calendar, say one year from now, and if youre still felling the same at that point, then you can think about leaving, if you really think you cant stay with him.

kate7 · 16/04/2007 01:04

I have to agree with everyone here, I have two dd's with my husband, and we have had our rocky times...our first was not planned, we had not been together long, he lost his job just before dd1's arrival, to cut a long story short things were not good for some time, but what we did share was a friendship that got us over the worst times....eight years on we are very happy and have recently had dd no 2. As said in a previous post there are worse things than sharing your life with a true friend, and when circumstances change as your ds gets older you will hopefully find more time and energy for yourself and your dh.

custy · 16/04/2007 01:05

whats the actual problem?

saying you dont love someone is a n all emcompassing euphamism for problems which are more detailed.

my guesses are

you had a baby - feel youhave grown up a bit - and he still laughs at wet fart noises.

you had a baby and your baby is the most wonderful thing in the world you just have no room in your heart to love anything else

am i close?

SittingBull · 16/04/2007 05:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

flightattendant · 16/04/2007 07:22

Poor, poor you. It must be so hard to feel that way especially if you can't tell him or anyone close.
I don't know what it might be, either as everyone says, perhaps the baby is leaving you exhausted, in which case even thinking about someone else's needs would seem too much.
Or perhaps you have just 'clicked' after such a major change, that he wasn't right for you for some time - I can't say. Sometimes something big in our lives makes us reassess everything we're used to. But I wouldn't jump to any conclusions yet as I'm guessing you haven't been feeling this way for more than a few weeks?
Other idea - possibly you have unresolved anger against DH? I know it's nothing like your situation but I almost lost my 10 year best friend a few years back. The problem was to do with me having a baby and not being able to be her bridesmaid or even make it to her wedding.
She was furious and I was furious back. She was the one writing to me trying to express and resolve the issue - alternately kind and angry. While I felt numb to her, wanted to just ditch the whole thing - I felt like I'd nothing left for her any more. (I'd just had a baby as well).
I was ready to walk, but she kept on at me, gave me time, and one fine day I decided to roll with it - since then we have built, and built, and though it felt strange and different for a very long time, four years on I would not be without her - I love her again like I did before, maybe more.
So if any of this sounds familiar I would wait it out a little, look at maybe issues that have been haunting you - often a desire to leave masks an unwillingness to create conflict, express dissatisfaction (in case it's pointless saying anything) or change things, or you are just too tired to put in the effort. (understandable with a tiny one!)
Not blaming you at all but just an idea, if it helps? Hope you get some clarification on this soon,
love and hugs xx

mylittlestar · 16/04/2007 07:32

really agree with colditz and expat here

you have a very young baby who has changed everything. give yourself some time and get some help/see a counsellor.

have you tried to do anything to stop living like brother and sister? have you talked to dh and actually given yourself the chance to put things right?

dh and I got married after being together 11 years and the first couple of years of married life have had more ups and downs that the whole of the other 11 years put together!

so all you can do is give your relationship a chance before you make any decisions. and talk to dh. he may be feeling the same pressures and feel that your relationship needs a boost too. you can work through it together xx

Anna8888 · 16/04/2007 07:36

You are in a very stressful situation - new marriage (because even if you've been together for 10 years, marriage is a new phase in your relationship), first baby and you are abroad, a long way from family and friends and probably in a different culture. You have an awful lot to contend with.

Which country are you in? What kind of support can you find locally? Because you really need some, above and beyond your husband. Don't abandon him yet.

Original poster

limabean · 16/04/2007 15:49

Thanks everyone for all your kind words, they are helping me put things into perspective. Giving myself a time period before I do anything drastic is really good advice.

When I said I don´t love my husband what I mean is I find myself devoid of all feelings towards him. I don´t look forward to him coming home from work and when he goes away for work I don´t even miss him.

When we do have time together I find that I don´t even want to talk to him and because he´s not a particularly chatty guy we often just sit in silence ending with me going to bed and leaving him to his own devices. We live together but I don´t feel we are `together´ in the true sense of the word...

I know he feels ignored since the baby was born as he´s told me but I can´t bring myself to do anything about it.

It´s almost as if I resent him for something but what I don´t know. He´s a very caring man who respects me and supports me financially and although it may sound contracDItory I can´t really fault him.I know its me with the problem...I should be happy to have married such a good man

OP posts:

munz · 16/04/2007 16:08

ould you possibly be depressed? what's your support network like out there? I know you've said you don't really talk but would it help if you guys were completely alone without the LO to have a night out/'date night in?'

I totally agree with the others thou, a NB is v v hard work - it's only relaly this last month DH and I are back on an even keel again all around really (13 months down the line)

what sorts of things do you have going on at the minute?

flightattendant · 16/04/2007 16:17

Hello, glad you're still about as I realised it was going back a bit when I found your thread yesterday.
It does sound as if the problem is something like a hidden resentment, but it's hard to figure out what unless you really delve into your mind and try and get an answer. Could it be you want him to pay you more attention - you say he isn't very chatty - does the way he behaves, remind you of anyone in your past, perhaps a father or mother, with whom you were angry?
I usually find it helps to write things down, sort of brainstorming - just blether on, on paper, about why they drive you mad - if you can find anything to start from, that is?
It sounds as if somewhere, your feelings are being 'blocked' perhaps by your own filter, like you don't want to express something. Often when we cut off our angry or fed up feelings, it means the good ones like love get cut off as well.
It's Ok to feel angry at him, whther you express it or not, or have a valid reason to, is another story. Maybe even the fact he's expecting you to not 'ignore' him, now that you have a baby, seems unfair in itself? After all, things do change when a child is born. He is going to have to accept a bit less attention, as he is no longer your sole concern!! maybe this is where you're both stuck.
I don't know, don't want to come across as someone who knows anything/everything - but I hope you manage to figure out what's going on between you. It's a good sign that you don't actually hate him!! (that really would be a good reason to go)

tribpot · 17/04/2007 21:16

I think what you're describing sounds quite normal. Having a baby means every relationship in your life changes. Which is why I've never understood people who've had a baby to 'save the marriage' - surely this is the worst thing you could to save a marriage, but I am prepared to be corrected! There has to be an adjustment as you find your feet in these new roles for which you are entirely unprepared, and you as the mum particularly adjust to a set of emotions you truly could not have imagined.

Don't pretend everything's okay. But you may need to accept that some of it is 'just' what happens when you have a baby and not a sign that your marriage isn't working.

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