Hi,
I’m 25 and been living with my boyfriend of 2 years for the last 6 months. We got together when I was fairly low in confidence and he helped build me up, were friends first and then he persuaded me we would make a great couple. I have struggles reading social cues, so although I had doubts, I trusted his judgement.
It was great at first, he listened to me lots, helped me with my problems, supported me, got his first passport so he could join me on trips (travelling is a passion of mine). He also came and supported me in my first appointment to get assessed for ASD.
Fast forward 18 months and a lot has changed. I was diagnosed with ASD, understood myself for the first time ever and also started a job that was very accepting of this fact and the result has been a massive growth in confidence. I am now starting to doubt some of the compromises in our relationship, which unfortunately were highlighted more by moving in together.
Housework. He has never helped much with this. Before we moved in together I expressed concern about the state of his flat and he assured me that if he lived with someone else, he would not accept that level of filth. Wrong; his attitude to housework is very much, if you want it done, you do it. Meaning if I want the bathroom or kitchen cleaned more than twice a year. He works 20 hours per week less than me so the agreement always was he would do a bit more than me. Now we’re at such a critical point he has stepped up but it feels like he’s just doing it to keep me.
Sex. It’s never been great and it was the attraction I doubted at the start of the relationship. I do find him physically attractive and it’s good when it happens but there is no chemistry between us to create an initial desire. He never would instigate and it happens about once a month. I have a higher sex drive than this but the dynamic between us is just more friendly and doesn’t make me want to do it.
Interests. We are lacking shared interests; there are about 2 TV shows we can agree to watch, struggle to agree on a movie to watch. I would rather read, he’s a gamer and happy to not get out of bed all weekend and just game. I would like to get out and about at the weekend for runs/bike rides/walks in the countryside and he has always said it’s not his thing (although now we are at a make or break point he’s saying he would like to do those things). I like having good conversations about things we’re interested in and once we’ve shared our respective days and I start talking about something elsec, he asks “doesn’t your brain hurt with all that thinking?”. As a result I’ve started to feel a lack of emotional connection.
I’m starting to feel he’s lacking in drive and motivation whilst I want to get up and get on with life. I feel like I’m dragging him along and he’s going with it, whereas really I want him to be on the same level as me.
On the plus side, we share a moral compass, have the same values, same future goals. In the past we laughed a lot and were silly together and had a lot of fun. I worry that if I end it, I’m throwing away something good and that we could have a great future but at the moment just can’t connect with my feelings or understand them, which, with my ASD is understandable.
One further thing that bothers me is the ASD. After his initial support he’s been very dismissive of it. Finally getting an explanation for the way I am has been transformative to me and I am finally able to ‘help myself’ and manage the condition. My confidence has come on massively but he’s just not been part of it. He looks bored if I try and talk about it, refuses to move the playstation out of the bedroom, even when I explain the sensory impact. He often implies that he’s bored of it or thinks I use it as an excuse. As a result I have started to confide in my boss instead and unfortunately we are getting closer and I am starting to develop feelings for him.
I’m trying desperately to keep a lid on those and focus on my relationship but it feels an enormous amount of issues to resolve! I don’t want to think the grass is greener and feel hugely sad when I think of ending it as we do have great fun together but where do I even start to fix those things?
He is aware of how I feel but just wants to wait for me to make a decision and go with it.
Sorry for huge post, what would you do?