Expecting too much from my Partner?

[dawn1010]

Hi there!

It would be great if I could have feedback on a situation I've found out about.

As I felt like my husband has been disconnecting with me emotionally, I got his mobile history (I'm not proud of that – and hadn't done this ever before)

What I found is that my partner (of 23 years) kept contact with his secretary while she was on a year maternity leave.

Mainly calling when he got back or was soon leaving on work trips (so averaging 2 or 3 calls per month to several times a day in the days before her restarting).

We can have patchy mobile reception here, so he either diverts his mobile when at home (when expecting a business call) or he turns it off. He answered her mobile calls as early as 6.46 am (he would of been outside as our house is so small I would of heard the ring)

When I casually asked him if he kept contact with her during her year off he replied 1 or 2 times to congratulate her on the baby.

He changed this to -that he occasionally phoned her to explain to him, when his new secretary couldn't work something out (he stopped half way through this as he could see I wasn't believing him as he's big on direct 1:1 contact at work to limit confusion). He can't remember but it was ‘work stuff'.

I wouldn't of minded the calls if he had been upfront about them and when I try to explain how I would of preferred to hear about the calls especially than ones before 7am but he says he doesn't need to say anything to me about it. I've even tried by saying how would you feel if a guy at work who was away for a year, rang me up at 6.46 in the morning wouldn't he of like to know, especially if I lied to you about how many times we rang?

It's making me feel like something is going on between them and so I've asked him if he's having an affair with her – he got very angry that I could think such a thing but then became ballistic that I could think him so ‘unintelligent' so dumb that he wouldn't be able to get away with it if he was. He said he'd have secrete email accounts and phone. When I said that made me feel worse he said he meant by that, that it shows he's not having an affair because I wouldn't find out. (I think he's very intelligent and so does his mum and dad so it wasn't a trigger/sore point)

I just feel that partners (we have 2 kids) should be open about things like this especially when calling so early (and him expecting her call) I'm I beginning over controlling or expecting to much? Or do I just over share and that's why I would of told him if the situation was reversed?

thanks

I think your husband's explanation is a bit confusing, in one sense I can totally believe if he wanted to keep a spare phone and secret email, he would. That's what I would do if I waned to have an affair!

But I do think it is odd her calling him at that early hour.

There might be a plausible reason for him to have so much contact with her but I think his attitude sucks.

"...he got very angry that I could think such a thing..." So he cares more about how you think of him that hat he is actually doing. I would also be worried by the getting angry, does he do that a lot?

"...but then became ballistic that I could think him so ‘unintelligent' so dumb that he wouldn't be able to get away with it if he was." He really does have a high opinion of himself doesn't he?

"He said he'd have secrete email accounts and phone. When I said that made me feel worse he said he meant by that, that it shows he's not having an affair because I wouldn't find out." Very arrogant.

"(I think he's very intelligent and so does his mum and dad so it wasn't a trigger/sore point)" sounds like he also thinks he's pretty smart.

I've no advice, I've never cheated nor being (knowingly) with a cheater!

It's all pretty odd, could be innocent, but I would say he should be reassuring you of his fidelity not pointing out how he would do it if he needed to. Is he concerned about your feelings?

Or him calling her at that early hour.

Sounds like he’s pissed off that he’s been caught.

Hi Italiangreyhound
Yes my partner has also has called her up even slightly earlier than she rung

"Is he concerned about your feelings?"
Short answer yes and no and sometimes xD
Often I feel he thinks in how would 'he feel in that situation' and I have to really flight for my feelings to be validated or taken into consideration. But I'm not sure if that's a 'man' thing

I'd be suspicious. Sorry OP. Not sure what to suggest really. Does he have a Facebook account / email you could look at? I don't like sneaking or suggesting it but not sure how else you could get evidence.

💐

His reaction is fairly odd. Of course that in no way means he’s having an affair...

Staying in contact with a close colleague while on mat leave doesn’t seem weird but calls before 7am is strange. Did she call that early prior to her leave?

I think you need to have more of a chat about this with him, at best, he’s been less than honest with you. It could be for a variety of other reasons but dishonesty in marriage is never good.

Good luck

Surely an affair would've yielded more than 2-3 calls per month.

I think it's plausible that he was phoning regarding work related issues, or even just to catch up if they have built up a friendship.

The only thing I find odd are the early morning calls that you think he must have taken outside.

His defensive attitude when asked about it is also worrying unless you have form for accusing him.

She's on maternity leave so why would he be calling her before 7am! That's weird, I'd be WTF if my employer had called me that early when I was off with the baby. It's all very weird and his reaction is extreme. Getting angry rather than reassuring you. You are not expecting too much. I'd want better answers. Are they still working together? Sounds like he's interested in her. Sorry OP